Joke thread

[Bob_R]

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Swen. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
painful.

Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.He then hid the now
almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again
last night weren't you Ole?" Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......it's
all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."

[Bob_R]

BAPTIST COWGIRL

A cowgirl, who moved to Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a
sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is
in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in
Arkansas, we promised that we would drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I am drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, she orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day she comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains.
"It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to
quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my sisters, though."

[Bob_R]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing
with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop
and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell
off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who
are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the
tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his tra in. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All
passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a
pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her
little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there
is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For
those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the
bitch in the kitchen."

[Bob_R]

A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the
salary but not what he would be doing. Come to find out that the zoo's
gorilla had unexpectedly passed away. The zoo had just spent millions on promotions which focused on the gorilla and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted.

Everyday he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage and be
the gorilla. After a while he started enjoying himself. He would scare
little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas and stuff. You know,
gorilla things. As time wore on he became the main attraction at the
zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him.
One particularly busy Saturday he was swinging around and accidentally
swings over his fence and lands in the lions cage. The lion slowly opens
his eyes and sees the gorilla. The lion begins to stalk. The lion, now
drooling and wide awake, slowly approaches the gorilla who is backed up against the fence. The lion is ready to jump, then the gorilla started
yelling, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! help, help !!"

Then the lion said, " Shut-up stupid, or we'll both get fired! "

[Bob_R]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abou ta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."

[Bob_R]

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday.

[Bob_R]

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through
Immigration. The Immigration officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the tests, but there is still one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the United States of America."

Mujibar said, "I am ready." The officer said, "Make a sentence
using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister officer, I am
ready."

The officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green and I pink
it up and say, "Yellow, this is Mujibar."

Mujibr now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a
Verizon help desk. I talked to him yesterday.

[Bob_R]

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so
to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees. Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack.

When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"
Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only
man in the world with one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he
returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something. "Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too."

Thinking fast, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very
best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those."
Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did
their thing again that night. Pedro went off to work, again, the next morning; and, when he returned
home, Maria was very upset, . stamping her foot on the porch.
Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"
"Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Heard this morning during the show just before Dave's:

Why don't witches wear panties?

To get a better grip on the broom!

[Bob_R]

A mother and her young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Edmonton to Calgary.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't lead to items she was not prepared to discuss with her still-too-young son) told him to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Westjet always pulls out on time.

Your mother can explain THAT to you.

[Bob_R]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish . each person is only allowed
one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a
million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
ducks and they keep coming.

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[Bob_R]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from
sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult.

However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use
of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon,my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either".

[Bob_R]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

[Bob_R]

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his
wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he
thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while
he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for
something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well,
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that
will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay
an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn
deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed
to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously
rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the
keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a
crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man
said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to
the box and lay there quiet once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that
to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and
remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo
Penis, my crotch!"

The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely
incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-
shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She
tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had
forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital
to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and
started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way,
another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A
police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her
license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching,
she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got
this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant
voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."

[Jurak]

Another "bevy of beauties" there EVH.......




"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"


"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"


Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"


"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"


"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was also scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it cause he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***







***Longer Pause**





Then Daddy says,







"Swimming pool????"... Is this 486-5731 ??

[Ozzy Fudd]

SNIFFER DOG

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on
the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and
put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to
the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks
why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man
explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a
"sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the best
there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put
him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent
says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits
very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and
says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm
making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when
we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places
TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,
sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to
the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded
to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and
can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

[diamondsgirl]

Canoe Race

A Japanese company and an American company decided to
have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams
practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team became very discouraged
and depressed. The American company decided the reason
for their crushing defeat had to be found. A
Management Team made up of senior executives was
formed to investigate and recommend appropriate
action. They discovered that the Japanese had 8 people
rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team
had 8 people steering and one person rowing.

The American Management Team hired a consulting firm
to assist in analyzing this data, happily paying their
considerable fee. After six months of hard work, the
consulting firm concluded that too many people were
steering the Americans' boat, while not enough people
were rowing. So the American Team acted:

To prevent losing to the Japanese again the following
year, the team's management structure was totally
reorganized, to include 4 steering supervisors, 3 area
steering superintendents and 1 assistant
superintendent steering manager. They also implemented
a new performance system that would give the 1 person
rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It
was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with
meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. In an
all-out attempt to further provide empowerment and
enrichment's to the rower, new paddles and medical
benefit incentives were promised in exchange for a
victory in the next competition.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American Management Team laid off the
rower for poor performance, halted development of a
new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital
investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the senior
executives as bonuses for a job well done.

[Jurak]

funny old Johnny Carson........

http://media.putfile.com/copperclappers89

[Matt White]

A guy out on the golf course gets hit in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week.
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ..an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies,....................... "Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"

[Keeyth]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in
the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?".



The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

[Jurak]

This guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new 500 SL MBZ."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink that entire liter of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the liter with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then . . . silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

[Jurak]

This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. This guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the Customer care department.

Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired, however he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee (now I know why they record these conversations):

************************************************** ***********

Employee "Rich Hall, Computer Assistance; may I help you?"

Customer "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Employee "What sort of trouble?"

Customer "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Employee "Went away?"

Customer "They disappeared."

Employee "Hmmm... So what does your screen look like now?"

Customer "Nothing."

Employee "Nothing?"

Customer "It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Employee "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Customer "How do I tell?"

Employee "Can you see the 'C': prompt on the screen?"

Customer "What is a sea prompt?"

Employee "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Customer "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Employee "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Customer "What's a monitor?"

Employee "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

Customer "I don't know."

Employee "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

Customer "Yes, I think so."

Employee "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."

Customer "Yes, it is."

Employee "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it or just one?"

Customer "No."

Employee "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Customer "Okay, here it is."

Employee "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Customer "I can't reach."

Employee "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Customer "No."

Employee "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Customer "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's
because it's dark."

Employee "Dark?"

Customer "Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Employee "Well, turn on the office light, then."

Customer "I can't."

Employee "No? Why not?"

Customer "Because there's a power failure."

Employee "A power.......a power failure? ... Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and the packing stuff your computer came in?"

Customer "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Employee "Good.. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Customer "Really? Is it that bad?"

Employee "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Customer "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Employee "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[Jurak]

For the little cynic in all of us.
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>You have two choices in life:
>>> >>You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you
>>> >>were
>>> >>dead.
>>> >>
>>> >>At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
>>> >>your
>>> >>wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
>>> >>"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
>>> >>
>>> >>A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
>>> >>"Husband Wanted".
>>> >>Next day she received a hundred letters.
>>> >>They all said the same thing:
>>> >>"You can have mine."
>>> >>
>>> >>When a woman steals your husband, there is no
>>>better revenge than
>>> >>to let
>>> >>her keep him.
>>> >>
>>> >>A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
>>> >>
>>> >> A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
>>> >>get
>>> >>married?"
>>> >>Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
>>> >>
>>> >>A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a
>>> >>man
>>> >>doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
>>> >>Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
>>> >>
>>> >>Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness
>>> >>was
>>> >>until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
>>> >>
>>> >>Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
>>> >>
>>> >>If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
>>>every
>>> >>word
>>> >>you say -- talk in your sleep.
>>> >>
>>> >>Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
>>> >>thinking
>>> >>they had no faults at all.
>>> >>
>>> >>First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
>>> >>Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
>>> >>
>>> >>A Woman's Prayer:
>>> >>"Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and
>>> >>to
>>> >>forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I
>>> >>pray for
>>> >>Strength I'll just beat him to death "
>>> >>
>>> >>AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
>>> >>
>>> >>Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
>>> >>children. A
>>> >>blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
>>> >>they find
>>> >>it
>>>overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
>>> >>onto the
>>> >>bus.
>>> >>
>>> >>So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while,
>>> >>the
>>> >>husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man
>>> >>as he
>>> >>taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a
>>> >>piece of
>>> >>rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
>>> >>crazy."
>>> >>
>>> >>The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of
>>> >>YOUR
>>> >>stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

[Bob_R]

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He
kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also
had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to
throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear
guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one
million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this
pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished
his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was
one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered
him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side
unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that
was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well
I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter
or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want
your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who
pushed me in that WATER

[Flash Bastard]

Sesame Street Bus.... heard this one a few years ago. Still my favorite clean joke.....

There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So, he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and so forth. At his first stop, there was this very over-weight little girl. He opened the door and said, " Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The girl said that her name was Pattie.

Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little girl. He said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" She said that her name was Pattie also.

At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The woman piped up and said, "His name is Ross and he is my son." She continued, "He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him." The bus driver replied, "No problem." "He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him really good in the mirror."

At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The little boy replied, "My name is Lester Cleese."

Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy. Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.

The man replied: Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus."

[Douglas T.]

Well, it appears our African American friends have found something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston) reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian- sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African -American culture such as La Kisha, Chamiqua, Woeisha, and Jamal. I can hear it now: A black weatherman in Houston saying... "Wordup, Muthas! Herr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' Galveston like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit.

[jslav06]

Very nice. Post 666 too.

[Douglas T.]

Originally posted by jslav06
Very nice. Post 666 too.

:eek: I didn't notice! Should have used a satan joke! :eek:

[blonddgirl777]

What is a "Racing Blond"???





























A fake blond that didn't touch up her hair... yellow with 2 black stripes!
L.O.L.

[Keeyth]

> > A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my
daughter,
> > I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes,
and a
> > million dollar annual salary."
> >
> > The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
> >
> > The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
> >
> > The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly,
she's
> > as dumb as a wall."
> >
> > The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
> >
> > The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and
build you
> > a mansion on Long Island."
> >
> > The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they
have
> > sex.
> >
> > About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's
about to
> > hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife,
"Bring me
> > a hammer."
> >
> > She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the
> > hammer.
> >
> > The guy says, "Get me some nails."
> >
> > She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some
> > nails.
> >
> > The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb,
and
> > he yells,
> >
> > "F@@@!"
> >
> > She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
> >
> >

[RuzDNailz]

How do you turn a beautiful fox into a cow? Marry it!

[RuzDNailz]

Scene is in a village. A tribesman cannot fart and sees the big chief
about his anti-gas problem.

Tribesman: Big chief! No fart!
Big Chief: Go see witchdoctor!
(goes to the doctor)
WitchDoctor: You must eat 1 bowl of beans. (which he does)
(next day)
Tribesman: Big chief! No fart!
Big Chief: Go see doctor!
(goes back to the doctor)
WitchDoctor: You now eat 2 bowls of beans! (he eats both bowls)
(the next day)
Tribesman: Big chief! No fart!
Big Chief: Go back to doctor!
(goes again for the doctor)
WitchDoctor: You now eat 3 more bowls of beans! (eats them all)
(next day the Tribesman runs to the WitchDoctor)
Tribesman: Doctor! Doctor! Problem!
WitchDoctor: What now?
Tribesman: Big fart! No Chief!

[RuzDNailz]

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
"ummm! gumph! ug!"

[Ozzy Fudd]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[RuzDNailz]

A young man comes home from work and finds his new bride sliding down the banister butt naked. He asks her in shock 'hey honey! what are you doing?' She gets off the banister and simply replies 'Oh, I"m just warming up your dinner!'

[RuzDNailz]

How do you confuse a Newfie in a circular room? Tell him to go take
a piss in the corner! How does he confuse you? Tells you he did!

[Douglas T.]

Chris Rock's Quote of the Year

"You know the world is going crazy when the best
rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the
NBA is Chinese, the Swiss
hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S.
of arrogance, Germany
doesn't want to go to war, and the three most
powerful men in America
are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.

Need I say more?"

[Keeyth]

That was a quote from 2-3 years ago, not this year. But still a great quote.

[Keeyth]

Horny Husband

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the
bedroom.

He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to
make love to her.

Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to
find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and
complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this
happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and
I wasn't about to start now!"

[Bob_R]

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and
spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"