Joke thread

[PumpedUpMidget]

Don't know how many of you shop at Wal-Mart, but this may be useful.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me,
as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This
happened to me at Wal-Mart in Middle Island and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good looking 18 year old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank
them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride
to Wal-Mart In Centereach. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the
way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over
into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one
steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again
on Saturday, also yesterday and it will probably happen again tonight.

[Jurak]

yep, it's happenin up here in Canada too...

[Bob_R]

Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for THEMSELVES.
Helllooooo? It's been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He didn't call back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.

[Bob_R]

Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call
for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me."

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way
with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you
can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't
had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once
a month. I fart 15 times a day."

[Bob_R]

FIRST THINGS FIRST!!!!
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay." He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.....then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

[Guitar Shark]

Married Chinese couple are in bed together.

Husband says "Honey, I wanna 69."

Wife says "Why you want beef with broccoli NOW?"

[Bob_R]

Grandma's - Always faithful.....

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a
Metro station in DC:

"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets
on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

"An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a
young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

"The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a
gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't
you care about the children of Iraq?'

"The old woman looked up at her and said, ' Honey, my father died
in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam.

All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad
mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

God Bless America

[frets5150]

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.

He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.

The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet, " replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment, " said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.

"Uh... yes." replied the cop.

"Here's what you do, " said the dispatcher. "give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"

[Bob_R]

Florida Drinking Rule

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He
says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to
drink out of the same glass twice either.

The Florida guy, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it,
throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Mexican
and the Iraqi, and catches her glass. She says, "In America we have so
many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the
same ones twice.

God Bless America!

[Bob_R]

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now,
tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

[Hardrock69]

I just got this from my Aunt in Cali. Usually she sends emails that say there is an attachment and there is none, or she fwds something (supposedly) and there is nothing there...but today was funny:

When going to get his driver's license renewed at the local motor-vehicle bureau, a man was not surprised to find that the building was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until he finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

"The clerk looked at his picture closely.

"It's okay," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

[Bob_R]

Subject: Italian Bread


Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench seat one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops in at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help. He said, "do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "yes, I want 5 loaves."

She said, "my goodness, 5 loaves. Don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "Holy crow, everybody in the world knows about this Italian
bread thing but me!!"

[Bob_R]

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush face a firing squad in a small Central American country.

Bill Clinton is the first one placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall and escapes in the
confusion.

Al Gore is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is reassembled and Al ponders what his old boss has done. Before the order to shoot is given, Al yells, "Tsunami!" Again the squad falls apart and Al slips over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He is thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall." As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, he grins and yells, "Fire!"

[Bob_R]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they
ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes
arunnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just
yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had,
namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to
come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

[Bob_R]

Hillbilly Vasectomy


After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't wa nt to hav e
any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure
called vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool
in the shed but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count...


"1"


"2"


"3"


"4"


"5"


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Texas,
Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia, Washington DC, and LOUISIANA.

[Keeyth]

A couple was dressed and ready to go out into the city for the evening.
They
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone
line,
covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned
the
local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple
opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out
into
the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
eat
the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside
to get
the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house
will
be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her
husband
will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my
Mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long,"
he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
Had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
off so
I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep
her
from scratching me but it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and
threw
her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car......

[Ozzy Fudd]

-------Another Blond Joke!!


You missing a 710?,

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer.
A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.


They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one.

It had always been there."


The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:


www.mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg

[Northern Girl]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small

tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is

that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"


The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands onthe

sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.

Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"


The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is

neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,

the bestpiece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[Matt White]

NGK NGK NGK

[Bob_R]

How many of us have threatened to retire and become a Walmart greeter?
Wish I could think this fast!



The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart .... Nice
children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,
the
oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

[Bob_R]

The Pastors Ass


The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day

[Matt White]

37 Rude & Crude Pick-up Lines


1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.


2. Nice legs...what time do they open?


3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.


4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?


5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?


6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?


8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.


9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.


10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.


11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.


12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.


13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?


14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.


15. Are those real?


16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.


17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.


18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.


19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.


20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.


21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

2
2. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?


23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.


24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.


25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?


26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.


27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.


28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.


29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.


30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?


31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.


32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?


33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.


34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???


35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.


36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.


37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

[Sarge's Little Helper]

37 Rude & Crude Pick-up Lines


1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.


2. Nice legs...what time do they open?


3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.


4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?


5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?


6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?


8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.


9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.


10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.


11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.


12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.


13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?


14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.


15. Are those real?


16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.


17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.


18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.


19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.


20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.


21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

2
2. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?


23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.


24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.


25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?


26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.


27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.


28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.


29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.


30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?


31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.


32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?


33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.


34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???


35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.


36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.


37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

Oops. I wasn't paying attention. Tell me again what is going on.

[Bob_R]

3 Nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you
all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to
go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just
doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

[Bob_R]

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"



DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

[rustoffa]

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably
shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

[Bob_R]

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen McNuggets. "We don't have half dozen McNuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen McNuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine. The mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer..!"
Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency!!"

[Bob_R]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

____________________________________________

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.
"I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

____________________________________________


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage
and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of
my intelligence come from?
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your
mother, cause I still have mine"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

[ace diamond]

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PINK AND PURPLE?


THE GRIP!

[Bob_R]

Catholic School

Little Grace was not the best student in parochial school.
She usually slept through her classes.

One day the Nun called on her while she was napping and
asked, "Tell me, Grace, who created the universe?"

When Grace didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair
behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Grace, and the Nun said,
"Very good." Soon Grace fell back asleep.

A while later the Nun called on Grace and asked, "Who is
our Lord and Savior?" But Grace didn't even stir from her
slumber. Once again, Little Johnny came to the rescue and
stuck her with his pencil.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Grace.

"Very good" The Nun said.
Grace started to fall back asleep, when the Nun asked Grace
a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
This time Grace was just awake enough to hear the question - and
she knew what was coming, so she jumped up and shouted, "If you
stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted.

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Two guys meet somewhere in town. They've been good pals for a long time, so they will confess very personal stuff to each other.
One of them has got a bad, bad wound on his cheek, and a bad, bad black eye.

Jack: What happened to your face, pal?

George: Oh, well, it's my wife... She was fumbling for food in that fucking deep-freeze. You know how I am, she was wearing a very short skirt, and seeing her bend over, her buns right before my eyes... I couldn't help it! I started fucking her.
And she whacked my face with a deep-frozen leg of lamb, you see...

Jack: Damn! What's wrong for a husband to make love to his wife? Doesn't she dig it that you fuck her?!

George: She does, but...





... not at the supermarket!

[Ozzy Fudd]

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the heck does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up....

[Ozzy Fudd]

Will You Marry Me?



A guy with a 25-inch member went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore!
It's too long." The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if
you see the witchdoctor in the bayou, she can help you."

So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog.
Ask her to marry you. She'll say 'No' and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you marry me?"
"No!" she said.

He lost 5 inches off his member! The guy liked the results, and thought,
20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, 15 inches is great!
But 10 inches would just be perfect.!!!

So he asked, "Will you marry me?"

And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you...NO! NO! NO!"

[blonddgirl777]

The Blonde Texas City Girl...

Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.. right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on..."

[Matt White]

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story ?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ass goodbye!

[Matt White]

What separates "Dumb" from "Dumber"?

THe Ohio River!:p

[Jurak]

Support Group for those who talk too much:
On and On and On Anon

[Jurak]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[Jurak]

3 Engineers are debating about God. The 1st engineer says, "God must have been a mechanical engineer because of how the whole muscle/skeletal system is designed." The 2nd engineer says, "No, God must be an Electrical Engineer because of how the Central Nervous system is designed." The 3rd engineer says, "You're both wrong. God must have been a Civil Engineer...because only a Civil Engineer would run a sewer line through a recreational area."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Two physicists were in a debate. As the debate raged, however, they came to realize that their competing theories were not actually incompatible. Having come to this conclusion, each stepped out from behind his lectern and strode towards the other, across the lecture hall. They reached out their hands to shake, and--ZAP--a small spark of static electricity jumped between their fingers.

"Well," one said to the other, "I'm glad we've finally found a common ground."

[Jurak]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in
the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying,
All of you bastards who want off, get the fuck off
now, cause we're in a hurry!
And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the
fuck on, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO
HOURS.

When you come out, you may play With your train, but
I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom
and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with
you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of
you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand
luggage under Your seat. Remember, there is no smoking
on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
Journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child
added..........
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR delay, please please see the fat bitch in the
kitchen."