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Thread: Joke thread

  1. #41
    Me Wise Magician
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    WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD??

    David Lee Roth- " Cuz the chicken knows I'm better'n he is."
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  2. #42
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    Why does the Queen not have her pussy on a stamp,would you lick it.
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  3. #43
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    A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Catholic priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

    After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

    The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a Methodist minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

    He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

    Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

    The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

    The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
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  4. #44
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    Originally posted by FORD
    Mormons: 5
    One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
    LOL!!! Pretty good joke. However, Mormons aren't Christian by any means.
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  5. #45
    thefive
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    Originally posted by MAX
    LOL!!! Pretty good joke. However, Mormons aren't Christian by any means.
    Ain't that the truth.
    You have knowledge Max.
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  6. #46
    thefive
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    What is the definition of a liberal?






    A person who hasn't been mugged yet.

  7. #47
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    What's the difference between Sammy and a french poodle?
    -Both have the same haircutt but only the poodle can lick his nuts!
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  8. #48
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    diamond david lee roth comes to heaven and an angel shows him his clowd where he would live from now on. it's a very huge and luxury clowd with several rooms, pool, sauna, carport with a ferrari GTO spider... just everything you could whish for... dave thinks "great" enters the bedroom an there is the ugliest woman sitting on his bed you could imagine...dave gets back to the angel kindly saying someting like "well, there must be a little mistake here..."
    "no" replies the angel, "you've had a very sinful life and now you have to pay for your sins"
    dave takes the woman into the ferrari to drive around (just to have her out of the bedroom) and there comes a mercedes with the most beautyful women you could imagíne...and near that hot chicks sits...sammy hagar...smiling at dave...
    dave angrily rushes back to the angel and says "what the fuck...I get this bitch here to pay for my sins and sam hagar gets this hot stuff???"
    "well" the angel replies "SHE has to pay for her sins, too..."
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  9. Thanked DavidLeeNatra for this KICKASS post:

    SunisinuS (02-26-2012)


  10. #49
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    hey...was that the ultimate joke ???

  11. #50
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    An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became
    dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and
    began designing and building improvements. After a
    while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning,
    escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.

    One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer,
    "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

    Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air
    conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and
    there's no telling what this engineer is going to come
    up with next."

    God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a
    mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the
    first place. Send him back up here."

    "No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on
    the staff, and I'm keeping him."

    God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll
    sue!"

    Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just
    where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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  12. #51
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    Elton john goes to a tattooist and says:
    'I'd like a car tattooed on my cock!'

    Tattooist looks confused and replies:
    'Well, what kind of car would you like? a convertible? a hatch back?'

    Elton replies:
    'better make it a 4x4
    cos its got a lot of shit to get through'

  13. #52
    Food for thought
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    How come there aren't any lines painted on the road outside Elton John's house?


    Well, would you want to bend over to paint them?
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  14. #53
    Food for thought
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    A man goes to see his Doctor because he has a problem with his sight.

    The first thing the Doctor says to him is, "You'll have to stop masturbating!"

    "Why?" says the man. "Will it make me go blind?"

    "No." says the Doctor. "But you're upsetting alot of the people in the waiting room."


  15. #54
    Rubnose
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    Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

    Because he felt crummy!!!!

    Bwaaaa-haaaa-haaaaa!!!!!!

    Oh. Never mind.

  16. #55
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    Subject: Three men and their wives

    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their
    new wives straight on their duties.
    The first man had married a woman from Missouri. He bragged that he
    had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house clean all
    that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

    The second man had married a woman from West Virginia . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told his buddies that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day,his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

    The third man had married a woman from New York. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see
    anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye.

  17. #56
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    Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked, "Three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, a hunter shoots one. How many are left?" "None," he says "if ones shot the others would fly away." "Actually", said the teacher "the answer was two, but I like the way you think." The next day Johnny walks over to his teacher in the cafeteria and asks, "Do you see those three women over there on the bench? Which one isn't married, the one eating the cookie, the one eating a sandwich, or the one sucking on a popsicle?" "Hmm, the one sucking on a popsicle?", the teacher asks" "Actually" said Timmy " it was the one without a wedding ring, but I like the way you think".
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  18. #57
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    A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady,was nervous
    so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
    "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
    "No, I don't." "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them in to
    boxes of the right size."
    She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five
    minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst
    out laughing.
    "What's so funny?" he asked.
    "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
    Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

  19. #58
    Food for thought
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    A young manager who has little experience, is told by his superiors that the company needs to make some cut backs, in other words he needs to lay off one member of staff. He has two people in mind, since they are both new members of staff; Jack an office clerk and Sarah who is a part-time secretary. He decides whichever one of them comes in first that morning will be told the bad news. As it happens, on that morning it's Sarah who comes in first and the manager asks her to come into his office.

    "Sarah I have something I have to say to you." He says nervously "And this is quite difficult for me, because I've never done this before. But.....I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

    "Well if you don't mind" She says, "I'd rather you jacked off because I have a headache."

  20. #59
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    What worse than finding a worm in your apple,A vein in your hotdog.

  21. #60
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    "Wisdom has 2 parts: 1) having a lot to say, and 2) not saying it"


    The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House", by
    the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

    Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to
    know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going
    to dress me and comb my hair?"

    "The fucking funeral director," said his wife.

  22. #61
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    This is something to think about when negative people are doing their
    best to rain on your parade.

    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
    Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
    "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
    Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
    called Teste."

    "Don't go any further." I know that place. "Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city!
    The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So,
    whatcha doing when you get there?"
    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
    trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
    lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
    asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the
    woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know
    you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room
    and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

    "Oh, really! What'd he say?"

    He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

  23. #62
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    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

    He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without a second thought.

    Soon he sees another sign, which says:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

    Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.

    Then he drives past a third sign saying:

    SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

    On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign
    next to the door reading:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

    He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

    The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

    He answers, "I saw your signs along the hig! hway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

    "Very well, my son. Please follow me."

    The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
    disoriented.

    The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

    He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

    This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the
    large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

    He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

    He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it
    shut behind him.

    As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
    facing another small sign:

    GO IN PEACE.

    YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

    SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!



    Have a Blessed Day, Stay Strong and Stay Safe.

  24. #63
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    Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
    double-paned, energy efficient kind.

    But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work
    had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

    Boy oh boy, did we go around!

    Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean I am automatically stupid.

    So, I proceeded to tell him just what this fast talking sales guy had told me last year......that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

    There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I
    haven't heard back.

    Guess who won that stupid argument.

  25. #64
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    Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and id 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my ass hurts!"

  26. #65
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    Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really
    needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign
    for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary
    arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.

    A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and
    it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed but Finkelstein
    brushed him off. "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge!

    However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor."

    Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His
    Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses. A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the
    crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said:

    "Jesus,

    Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a
    partnership?"


    "Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."


    "Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I
    am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.


    A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop...


    Can you guess what it read??


    Are you sure you want to know?


    Here it comes...

    Don't say you weren't warned......


    LORD & TAYLOR

  27. #66
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    People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do is stuff.
    As the Amazing Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most
    stage hypnotists who invite two or three people onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
    audience."

    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
    antique pocket watch from his coat. It was a family heirloom and
    greatly treasured.

    He instructed the crowd, "I want you each to keep your eye on this
    antique watch." He swung the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch. ..."

    The crowd became mesmerized as hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
    swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
    and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

    "Shit!" said the hypnotist.

    It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

  28. #67
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    In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an very old Jewish
    man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day,
    everyday, for a long, long time.

    So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and
    there he was!

    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned
    to leave, she approached him for an interview.

    "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming
    to the Western Wall and praying?"

    "For about 60 years."

    "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

    "I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all
    the hatred to stop and I pray for our children to grow up in
    safety and friendship."

    "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

    "Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall.

  29. #68
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    A lawyer, and dentist and a Harley man were sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office.
    The lawyer finally broke the silence and said: "Me and the wife just had an anniversary. I bought her a diamond necklace and a Jaguar. If she doesn't like the necklace, at least she can drive around in the car."

    "Hmm," said the dentist, "my wife and I had our anniversary last month, and I got her a mink coat and a yacht. If she doesn't like the coat, at least she can have parties on the yacht."

    "Yup," says the Biker, "we have our anniversary coming up next month, and I'll be getting her a T-shirt and a dildo. If she doesn't like the shirt, she can go fuck herself."
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  30. #69
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    >
    > The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief
    > Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino.
    > After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and
    > there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to
    > his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind.
    >
    > Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?"
    >
    > Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."
    >
    > The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him
    > mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"
    >
    > Olson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..."

  31. #70
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    Marriage Made In Heaven
    A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into
    a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at
    the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
    St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

    Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter
    and ask him about the marriage.

    He says, "I'm still working on it."

    Two years pass by and no marriage.

    St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

    Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and
    tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

    The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the
    couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and
    that they want to get a divorce.

    "Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

    St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a
    priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

  32. #71
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    A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." The dog replies. "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals." "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that crap."

  33. #72
    Banned
    I'm a bum in the sun.

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    What does a hooker and a gas station have in common?

    You always have to pay before you pump.
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  34. #73
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    A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe
    nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says,
    "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it goin'?"
    Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around,
    faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,
    "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your
    place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't
    matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out
    of college. I just flat-ass love it!"
    Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a
    lawyer, too! What firm are you with"?

  35. #74
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    Greeting Cards

    You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....

    (inside) i'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

    When we first got together, you said you would die for me...

    (inside) now that we've broken up I think its time to make good on your pomise.


    As the days go buy I think about how lucky I am....

    (inside) that you are not here to ruin it for me.

    I must admit, you brought religion into my life....

    I never believed in hell till I met you.

  36. #75
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    I finally made that big purchase i always wanted to do......


    Yup i filled up both gas tanks on my cars .

  37. #76
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    too true to be funny...

  38. #77
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    The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as
    possible for her college class and the instructions were that it had to
    Discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

    She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
    Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.

  39. #78
    JCOOK
    Guest
    HERE IS YOUR DILEMMA-
    YOU HAVE SAMMY HAGAR, A CHILD MOLESTER AND A RAPIST
    YOU HAVE ONE GUN BUT ONLY TWO BULLETTS. WHAT DO YOU DO?

    ANSWER: SHOOT SAMMY IN THE HEAD-TWICE!

  40. #79
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    A guy from Neill Grading, Hickory, NC was feeing older, and his performance with the women had dropped drastically. So he went to the doctor who gave him a check up and told him the usual, " You are tired and run down from working on heavy equipment out in all kinds of weather. Plus the fact that you are not that far from retirement.; this perhaps makes you feel older. Men you age tend to all have a diminished sex drive."

    So the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, you told me that last checkup. This check up I want some of that Viagra I've been hearing about."

    Dr. gave him the Viagra and he bragged to his buds, "I'll go out this weekend and let ya know the results!" Monday rolled around and other guys had to ask, "Well... how did the Viagra work?"

    "Well, I met someone at the Country Music Bar, she couldn't resist my line. We went to her place. We were so horney that we began shedding clothes at the door. Soon I was where I wanted to be, although it didn't last long. After it was over I remarked how good it was... All she could say was, "Well, it would have been better if you'd given me time to take my pantyhose off!"
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  41. #80
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    An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home.
    One day he went into the nurses office and informed Nurse
    Jones that his penis had died. She realized that he was
    old and forgetful and decided to humor him, "It did?
    I'm sorry to hear that",she replied. Two days later
    Mr. Smith was walking down the halls of the nursing
    home with his penis hanging outside of his pants.
    Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith! I thought
    you said your penis died!?" "It did", he replied,
    "Today's the viewing!"

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