Joke thread

[Bob_R]

New York - Year 2032

A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops
at a vacant lot, takes a deep breath and tells his son:

"To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers."

The son looks at his father and asked:

"Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"

Father says:

"My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots
of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approx 31 years ago,
several Arabs destroyed the buildings."

The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father:

"Daddy what are Arabs?"

[LooseMenace]

A man strolls into a confessional, and says to the priest, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I had sex with 7 different women last night."
The priest pauses before answering, "Go home, squeeze the juice out of 7 lemons into a glass, and drink it all in one shot."
The repenter says, "OK. And that will absolve my sin?"

"No," said the holy man, "but it will wipe that motherfucking smirk off your face."

[Bob_R]

CUSTOMER SERVICE
This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. I
think this guy should
have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the
WordPerfect
Helpline which
was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care
department.
Needless to
say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing
the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual
dialogue
of a former
WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these
conversations!)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.Does it
have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord
goes into it.
Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the
wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the!
other
cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power............a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do
you still have
the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was
when you
got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

[Bob_R]

Three men are sitting in a Sauna

Suddenly, there is a 'beeping' sound

One of the men presses his forearm and the beeping stops

"That was my pager - I have a microchip embedded in my arm", he says

A few minutes later a phone rings inside the Sauna

The second man in the Sauna holds his hand to his ear and speaks into his wrist

"I have a microchip in my hand that serves as a mobile phone", he proudly states

The third man is feeling kinda down not being up on all this new technology

He goes out of the Sauna and comes back a few minutes later with a length of toilet paper hanging down from between his ass cheeks

"What's that?", ask the other two men

"I'm getting a fax!", says the third man

[Bob_R]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend
in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you
always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining.

[Bob_R]

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a
room and sees a patient acting as if he's
driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you
doing?"

Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving
to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip
and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room
just as he stops driving his imaginary car and
asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted! I just got into
Chicago and I need some rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you
had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's
room, and goes across the hall into Fred's
room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed
masturbating vigorously.

With surprise she asks, "Fred what are you
doing?"



Fred replies, "I'm screwing
Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"

[Ozzy Fudd]

Here is a good one..

I'm from the I R S Sure i'll help You

[Bob_R]

Woman to pharmacist: I'd like some arsenic please.

Pharmacist: That's dangerous stuff. What do you want it for?

Woman: I want to use it to kill my husband.

Pharmacist: I can't supply you with arsenic to kill your
husband! That's totally outrageous!

The woman then puts a photograph onto the counter. The
photograph is of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife...

Pharmacist: Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription.

[Bob_R]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your
barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went
on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he
intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about
his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so
when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No! , no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.

[Bob_R]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me tojustify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing is wrong' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Bob_R]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I
run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I
circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge, " said the stomach, "because I
process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I
carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I
allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "because I'm
responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and
insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the
brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs
got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge

[Bob_R]

FUN REFLECTIONS ON LIFE!

1. Never raise your hands to your kids.
It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out.
My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why
Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do you think illiterate people
get the full affect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody,
but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he
gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head
out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you
is an idiot, but anyone
going faster than you is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started
walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no
idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row.
When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering
from some form of mental illness. Think of two of
your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergent takes out
bloodstains. I think if you've got a tee shirt with
bloodstains all over it, maybe your
laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their
walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I
think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the walls.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed
at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for
that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were
any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

15. Future historians will be able to study at the
Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan
Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

[Ozzy Fudd]

There was a gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its gas sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7)."

"Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time."

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.

The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged. He doesn't give away free sex."

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

[Elitest]

[Elitest]

hmmm...