Joke thread

[Jurak]

A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper
for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket. A moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me
a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back
to writing the ticket.

After a long pause,
the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."

[Matt White]

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good, and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.
When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry..."

[Matt White]

At a local college, there was a dance. A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

[Seshmeister]

I was in a pub and told the following joke:

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.

"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".

[Seshmeister]

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps
So the doctor examines her and does some tests and says "you're going to have to looking forward to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing napies"
"Why? Am I Pregnant?"
"no" the doctor replies, you've got bowel cancer

[Seshmeister]

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
evening performances'.

'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nk hole please
you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting
window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'

'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t
box you get cr*p on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she
says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging
out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?'

says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

'I f*cking wrote it !!!'

[Seshmeister]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken!

[Seshmeister]

It is just another working day at the brothel. The punters are coming, the cash is coming, and the girls are faking it. Suddenly the door opens, and a figure steps through the threshold, silhouetted against the backdrop of the red lights.

It is a boy, a young boy, about nine. In his hand is a length of string, reaching all the way to the floor, where it is fastened around the neck of what looks like a dead frog. The figure picks the frog up, strides up to the counter, and places the amphibian onto it, exclaiming, “I want a bitch with herpes.”

Behind the counter, the sexmonger is flabbergasted. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“I said ‘I want a bitch with herpes’” says the child.

“Well I’m afraid we don’t have any ladies that fit that description” replies the Madam.

“I want a bitch with herpes, and I am going to have a bitch with herpes” says the boy, putting £1000 on the counter, next to the frog.

The Madam thinks about this for a while and decides that the reputation of her house of ill-repute is definitely worth £1000. She sends for one of her many shingle infected sluts. The boy follows the genitally deformed working girl to her room, trailing his frog behind him.

After an hour of quite bizarre shenanigans the kid returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the Madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the entire previous hour, “Why did you want a whore with herpes?”

“Well,” explains the boy “My parents are going out tonight. In the evening I’m going to fuck my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he’s going to fuck her. Then he’s going home to fuck Mum. In the morning she’s going to fuck the milkman. He’s going to fuck his wife, she’s going to fuck her boss, he’s going to fuck his wife - my English teacher, she’s going to fuck my headmaster and HE’S THE CUNT WHO KILLED MY FROG!”

[Seshmeister]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if
Anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row
And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz
chord .
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the
Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz
chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he
is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around
the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes
wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play
A jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
"OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the
Mike and starts to sing . " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."

[Nickdfresh]

Why did hte blond have White Out® all over her computer screen?


















She was a lousy speller.

[Nickdfresh]

What's the first thing the blond whispered in her lover's ear after passionate love-making?


















So, you guys in the same team or what?

[Jurak]

A man staggered into a hospital's emergency room with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped
tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the ER Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them. While I was looking around, I noticed one
of the cows had something white by its rear end."
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
ass."
Still holding the cow's tail up,
I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I really don't remember much after that."

[Jurak]

30 things I learned from porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with $perm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowj0b.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A bl0wj0b will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy cummers.
11. People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those t1ts are real.
13. A common and enjoyable $exual practice for a man is to take his half-erect peni$ and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they coum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having $ex in the bushes,the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your c0ck in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.
21. Nurses suck patients c0cks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's c0ck, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejeculat1ng on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a c0ck there.
29. When standing during a bl0wj0b, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
30. Dorky guys never have to beg.

[Jurak]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

[Douglas T.]

Subject: Miranda rights




A good looking, well endowed, female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits"

[Douglas T.]

A little 80 yr old lady always wanted to join a bikers
club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's
door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all
over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join
your club". The guy was quite amused but says she
needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to
join he explains.
The biker asks; Do you have a motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked
over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper
in the driveway.
The biker asks, Do you drink?
The little old lady replies "Yep, drink like a fish.
I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker asks; Do you smoke?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a
chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three
joints a day and a couple more in the evening while
I'm shooting pool."
The biker is becoming very impressed and
asks, Last question, have you ever been picked up by
the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says,
"Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few
times."

[Bob_R]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one,
but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your
mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out
the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son,
where are you going?"

Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room
last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling
out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she
was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying
here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

[svrwthr]

Dumb and Dumber than Dumb Jokes

What do you call actors who perform outdoors?

Outcast.
*********

What happened to the camper who swallowed a flashlight?

He hiccupped with delight.
*********

When should you wear a bathing suit to go horseback riding?

When you're riding a seahorse.
*********

How do you know clams are lazy?

They are always in their beds.
*********

What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time, no sea.
*********

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
*********

Why did the music students get into trouble?

They were passing notes.
*********

Why did the fish make such a good musician?

He knew his scales.
*********

What do you call a bunch of dancing pebbles?

The Rockettes.
*********

Why didn't the bicycle go dancing?

It was two tired.
*********

What kind of fruit is never alone?

A pear.
*********

How far open were the windows in the math class?

Just a fraction.
*********

[Jurak]

Subject: A little old lady


A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."

"Darn!" says the little old lady..... "I'd better go back and see if I
can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?
Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go
and
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone

sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it
comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!

By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

[Keeyth]

First Christmas joke of the Season.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at
the
pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must
each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out
a
lighter. He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle," he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys.

He shook them and said: "They're bells."

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked,"And just what do those symbolize?"



The man replied,"These are Carols."


And So The Holiday Season Begins....

[Matt White]

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

[Douglas T.]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.
Darryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over,
and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, "No, it
ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?", asked the mortician.
Yup, I never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. every
time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

[blonddgirl777]

A 6 year-old & 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year-old continues, when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with "hell" and you say something with "ass". The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen & asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old & asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

[Bob_R]

NEW RULE!




Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S.
>> Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of
>> the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request
>> before they were beheaded
>> Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of
>> hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and
>> returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die
>> content."
>>
>> Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O
>> Canada" one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied
>> the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag
>> Musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could
>> now die peacefully.
>>
>> Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my
>> tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
>> Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till
>> the end."
>>
>> The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
>> Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
>>
>> The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your
>> final wish?"
>>
>> "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
>>
>> "What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
>>
>> "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the
>> Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the
>> ass.
>>
>> The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm
>> pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the
>> resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine
>> and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were
>> either dead or fleeing for their lives.
>>
As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked
>> him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask
>> them to kick you in the ass first?"
>>
>> "What," replied the Marine, "and have you three Assholes report that
>> I was the aggressor?

[VanHalener]

WHY DID TIGGER LOOK IN THE TOILET?



HE WAS SEARCHING FOR POOH!

[Bob_R]

Dubya Quotes
spacer

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush

[VanHalener]

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[Sammy Who??]

what do you call 10 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?


a good start!

[VanHalener]

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[LookN4AMootBeat]

What did Elvis say to the landscaper when he was finished working in the flower beds?









"uhh, thankyuh......uhh, thankyuh-fo-thuh-mulch.."

[vh rides again]

vice president chaney says to president bush, hey the brazilians have just donated a 100 brazilians to the war on terror.

the presidents reply is, how much is a brazillion?.

[Bob_R]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.



We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.



My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.



They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.



The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.



A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,



"Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.



God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.



Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

[Bob_R]

What gets longer when pulled................ Fits between your tits..............Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked........................

scroll down to find the answer......

































A SEAT BELT you pervert!!!

[diamondsgirl]

Originally posted by EVH FANATIC
What gets longer when pulled................ Fits between your tits..............Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked........................

Is it getting hot in here??

[diamondsgirl]

OVER-SENSITIVE WOMEN


It is important for men t o remember that, as women
grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the
same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at
them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing
worse than an oversensitive woman.


My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the
situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early
retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie
to get a full-time job along with her part time job,
both for extra income and for the health benefits
that we needed.


Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was
beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the
golf course about the same time she gets home from work.


Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says she has to rest for half an hour or so before
she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I
tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in
the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not
reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when
I hit that door.


She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on
the table for several hours after dinner. I do what
I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves. I
know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.


Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example she will say that it is difficult for her to
find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch
hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three days. That way
she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her
that missing lunc h completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to
think tact is one of my strong points.


When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she
was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not
to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix
herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as
she is making one for herself, she may as well make
one for me too.


I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this
much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody
knows better than I do how frustrating women get as
they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a
little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.....


Signed, Bob




EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly last week.
The police report says that he was found with a
Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf
club rammed up his ass with only 2 inches of
grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and
charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury
found her NOT GUILTY, accepting her story that he
accidentally sat down on it.

[Atomic_Rob]

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Atomic_Rob]

A funeral was taking place of an eminent heart surgeon. The church was packed with loving friends and collegues, creating a very emotional atmosphere. No expense had been spared and there was a huge heart behind the cofin made with hundreds of red roses.
As the last speech was given and his favourite piece of music came on the coffin started to roll slowly towards the curtains, the heart of red roses started to pulsate then opened up allowing the coffin to glide inside and disappear through the curtains. This just completely moved everyone to tears. Two of his close collegues were at the back one was holding a lump in his throat at the loss of his friend, the other was nearly wetting himself with laughter. He was asked "what the hell are you laughing about he was one of your closest friends"
To which he replied "I couldn't help it I was just thinking about my funeral". "So!" his friend replied "I don't see your point". The point is I'm a gynaecologist!!

[Atomic_Rob]

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo checking out the animals.
They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla had a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this.
They stand and watch him for half an hour.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch the gorilla's penis.

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
Two days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks,

"Are you hurt?"



"AM I HURT?



AM I HURT!!", he shouts,




"Wouldn't you be!?




He hasn't called, he hasn't written .....

[Atomic_Rob]

Tarzan & Jane

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong .. but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch! Jane
rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do that for?"



"Tarzan checking for squirrel."

[Atomic_Rob]

Three women where chatting about their sex lives with their husbands.
First woman: My husband Pete loves me giving him a blow job but the strange thing is, when I'm doing it his balls get freezing cold.
Second woman: That's really strange when I give my husband Mark a blow job I've found the same thing.
Third woman: What's a blow job?
The other two suprised at this lack of worldliness from their friend, set about describing the details of the perfect blow job.
The third woman vows to try it out on her husband that night. They agree to meet the next day for coffee to see how she got on.
To their suprise and horror she arrives with a huge black eye. What happened? Did you give him a blow job? Yes she replied, he seemed to be enjoying it then he hit me.
Well what did you do wrong? they asked. Nothing I did it exactly as you described it. I was giving him a blow job and we were both enjoying it and I said this is really nice your balls are nice and hot Pete and Marks are always cold........


Jokes thanks to the incredible Jackie Lynton, a legendary gentleman, musician and his jokes are face rippingly funny.