Joke thread

[eddieisking]

one more!

[Bob_R]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

[Bob_R]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and then taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[larbo]

why dont shark's eat negro's? cause they think they're a whale turd!

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Talks are all about an incredible piano player. He plays in a bar, pretty well, but there's another reason why he's such an attraction, providing that bar with such big audiences the owner would never have dreamt of: the wizard is 15-inch tall...
Tonight, a dozen journalists are here to ask him a few questions. After his recital, he now takes part in the first interview.

Interviewer: "How come you be so little?"

Piano player: "Well, one day, as I was strolling in the desert, when I saw something stick out of the sand. I got closer, and realized it was the pourer of an ancient oriental oil lamp. I rubbed it to admire the marvellous craftsman's work, when a genie slipped out through the pourer. No kidding! He told me I had only one wish to ask.
I thought over it for a minute, and told him I wanted my dick to become a 15-inch penis.
But that bloody asshole surely was deaf as a post: as you can see, he turned me into a 15-inch pianist!"

[Bob_R]

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to
his wife (Pat). Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

...His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director?"

[Three Lock Rock]

i've got a joke!

its david lee roth!

and you fags think it's seriousness! hahahaha!!! your all gay!

[Bob_R]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
huge black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Whew, Thank God! I thought you
said 'Turn around!"

[Bob_R]

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The
salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11." The
guy says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe." The salesman brings them, the guy
stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in
pain. He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my
mother-in-law, my wife is screwing my best friend and my daughter is pregnant.
The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these fucking shoes"

[Bob_R]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came

[Bob_R]

Creation Story

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and
populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green
and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would
live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice
Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate
with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as
you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And
Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the
figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour
from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green
salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery
croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive
oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish
and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man
gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and
named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so
Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained
pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced
the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained
pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its
99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries
with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And
Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.

Thought for the day ..... There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
do with them.

[Bob_R]

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean,
you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left
the room, and returned a few moments later with a
black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the
dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and
returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly
and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%
certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit
a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell
me my duck is dead!!

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.

[Anonymous]

It's a scientific fact: five out of three people have trouble with fractions!

A teacher was trying to teach her classes proper manners. She asked, "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you needed to go to the bathroom?" Michael thought a moment and said, "I'd say, 'Just a minute. I gotta p¡ss!'" "No, Michael. That would be impolite! Eddie, how would you say it?" Eddie replied, "I'm sorry, but I really need to go pee." "No, that's better, but still impolite. Little David, what would you say?" "I'd say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for just a moment? I must go shake hands with a dear friend. And, after dinner, I hope you get to meet him!'"

Cheers! :bottle:

[rustoffa]

A small Pennsylvania Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of
gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became
very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian
determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of JOE, a
part-time, delusionary, dipshit intern, who was responsible for cleaning the
animal's cages.

JOE, like most delusionary dipshits, had little sense, but possessed ample
ability to molest a female of any species. The park administrator
thought they might have a solution. JOE was approached with
a proposition.

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

JOE showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully.

The following day, JOE announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under the following 3 conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The
park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," JOE said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The
park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

And last of all JOE stated, "You've got to give me another week to
come up with the $500.00."

[Bob_R]

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the psychiatrist, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured," and he refers the man to a Cajun witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this". He throws some powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned: after that, it will not work again for another year!"

The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and eager to surprise his wife. He can't wait to go to bed.


They get in bed and he says, 123", and just like magic, he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"