Joke thread

[naturochem]

A mexican walks into a bar and says, "Hey, ******, give me a drink." The bartender says, "I'll give you a drink, but I would appreciate it if you wouldn't refer to me as a "******." "Oh man!, I am sure sorry about that bro'. Won't happen again." A few minutes later the spic says, "Hey moon crickett, another round." The bartender says,"Hey, look, I really don't want you calling me "moon crickett" either." The spic says,"sorry bootlips, I didn't mean anything by it." The bartender says, "OK that's it! How would you like it if you were the bartender and I came in here calling you names?" "I don't know, let's find out." So the spic puts on an apron and goes behind the bar and the bartender walks outside and comes back in and shouts, "Hey wetback! I want a fucking drink!" The spic stops washing glasses and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't serve ******s in here."

[Jano]

How do you know when you're at a homo picnic?






When the hot dogs taste like shit!!!!

[Jano]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?






Christopher Walken!!!!

[naturochem]

What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
.
.
.
.
.
A. One's a bunch a cunning runts.

[SparkieD]

On a recent trip to Hertforshire, a man went to the village of Herbum near Tillet town. While in the local pub, The Cockwell Inn, he met the land lady Lucy Lykes.

They struck up a friendship and he's now started writing to her. Her address is...

Lucy Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Herbum
Tillet
Herts.

[Keeyth]

Um, where did the word 'Herts' come from?

[Anonymous]

Hertforshire.

An abbreviation.

Gawd, explaining jokes sucks.

Cheers! :bottle:

[SparkieD]

Originally posted by Keeyth
Um, where did the word 'Herts' come from?

Uh, short for Hertfordshire, right there in the first line.

[Keeyth]

Got it. Sorry.

[Jurak]

Lucy Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Herbum
Tillet
Herts.

[Jurak]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

(Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour).

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny . (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget .......

[Jurak]

pen is stuck...

[Jurak]

Always Focus on your goals!!

[Jurak]

New toy for Christmas-sacre...

[Jurak]

[Jurak]

proof of global warming..........

[ThrillsNSpills]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round
f golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to
return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse
And asked, "Why are you back in so early?

What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your
Stance is too wide."

[Anonymous]

An English family was shopping when the young son picked up a Scotland football shirt and said to his sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland supporter. I want this shirt for my birthday." His sister was outraged, whacked him upside the head, and screamed, "Talk to your mother!"

The little lad took the blue football shirt to his mom. "Mum, I've decided to be a Scotland supporter. I want this shirt for my birthday." His mother was outraged, whacked him upside the head, and shouted, "Talk to your father!" So he did.

"Dad, I've decided to be a Scotland supporter. I want this shirt for my birthday." His father is outraged and whacked his son upside the head, bellowing, "No son of mine will ever be seen in that!"

An hour later, as they were driving home, his father said sternly, "Son, I hope you've learned your lesson today." The boy replied, "Yes, father, I have." "Good. What did you learn?" The son replied, "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and I already hate you English bastards!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Jurak]

Elder Sex





may the wind always be in your sails



An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been

going out with each other for a long time.



Urged on by their friends, they decided it was

finally time to get married.



Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.



They discussed finances, living arrangements and so

on.



Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to

broach the subject of their physical relationship.



"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather

trustingly. "



Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."



The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then,

looking over his glasses, he casually asked,



"Is that one word or two?"

[Jurak]

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

[Ozzy Fudd]

Sally is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens it to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question, "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door again.

Later that night, when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.

The husband says in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer 'yes' to the question so I can see where he is going with it." She nods to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.

"Do you have vagina?"

"Yes," she says.

The man replies, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to start using yours and leave my wife's alone?"

[blonddgirl777]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[Anonymous]

For all you assholes who INSIST that punctuation and proper spelling is not necessary:

Dear John Letter #1 Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you let me be yours? Jane

Dear John Letter #2: Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Jane

Cheers! :bottle:

[Keeyth]

LMAO!! So true!

[katie]

I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning for the princely sum of $10.

I named him Mohammed.

This afternoon I sold him on E-Bay for $30.

My question is, "Have I made a prophet?"

[Jurak]

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her parents sell her to a travelling freak show. And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day! What a bunch of bullshit. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour. Fuck 'em. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email. Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals. Have a nice day. Billy Connolly P.S: Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off

[Jurak]

[Jurak]

[Jurak]

[Jurak]

[Jurak]

WTF happened here i don't know....

[Jurak]

[Jurak]

my dog....... then




my dog now...........

[Jurak]

[Jurak]

[jackassrock]

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor ?"

Make me one with everything.

[Ozzy Fudd]

i go in to the store and notice an attractive woman waving at me. She says hello. I'm taken aback because i can't place where she knows me from. So i go , "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now my mind travels back to the only time i have ever been unfaithful to my wife and say, "My God, are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?" She looks deep in my eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Come on fuckin laugh ya know ya wanna.

[studly hungwell]

How many Kieth Urbans does it take to screw in a ligt bulb?

[Northern Girl]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Terry]

My wife has always been both a bit shy and coy ever since I've known her. Particularly when it comes to sex.

We dated and lived together several years before we married. In all that time, whenever we were engaged in physical relations, she'd always refer to my penis as a "wee wee." I thought it was a girlishly cute way of referring to it, demonstrating her child-like innocence. Whenever we were getting ready to do it, she'd say "take your wee wee out" or "put your wee wee in me". Her terminology made me feel good...made me feel like I was with a girl who wasn't the town door knob (where everybody got a turn).

Eventually, the Wedding Day arrived. We said our vows. Happiest day of my life. Later that night, we went to our Honeymoon Suite to consummate our union. As we disrobed, she said "when you put your wee wee in me, it will be as man and wife for the first time."

I said to her, "Honey, we're married now. You can call it a cock, rather than calling it a wee wee."

She looked at me, laughed, then pointed down at my penis, exclaiming, "Hey, I've seen PLENTY of cocks in my day, and THAT is a fucking 'wee wee' if ever I saw one!"