Joke thread

[ace diamond]

What do you call a lesbian night club in Alaska?


































A Klondike Bar!

[ace diamond]

How does Sinead O'Connor part her hair?



















































































She Squats!

[PETE'S BROTHER]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and
whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, right?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

[diamondsgirl]

President Obama decided to do one of his public addresses against the backdrop of an American farm, but the ceremony couldn't get started because of all the flies buzzing around his head. Obama demanded to know why the flies wouldn't leave, so the farmer explained to him, "Well, those are called circle flies. They always circle around the back end of horses." Obama angrily replied, "Hey, are you saying that I'm a horse's ass?" The farmer answered, "No Sir, Mister President. I would never call someone a horse's ass. It's hard to fool them flies though."

[PETE'S BROTHER]

foony.jpg

.

[HarrySchwartz]

Why did the woman have 2 black eyes?


She said no twice!!

[HarrySchwartz]

Blonde Jokes

Q:What do you call one blonde blowing into another blondes ear?

A: Data Transfer!

Q:How does a blonde kill a fish?

A:She drowns it.

Q:How does a blonde kill a worm?

A:She burys it

Q:How does a blonde kill a bird?

A:She throws it of a cliff

[HarrySchwartz]

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

[Candy Girl]

Why did the woman have 2 black eyes?


She said no twice!!

What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? You threaten to punch her.

[Anonymous]

An Army general, a Marine general and an Air Force general were debating with a Navy admiral about which soldiers were bravest.

The Air Force general called over an airman and said, "Airman! Climb that flagpole and, once you're at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder' and then jump off!" "Yes, sir!" yelled the airman. He scaled the flagpole like a shot, sang the anthem at the top of his lungs, saluted, jumped off and hit the ground standing at attention. "Now that's bravery!" said the general.

"That's nothing," said the admiral. "Seaman! Take this weapon, scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top at attention, present arms, sing 'Anchors Aweigh,' salute us, and jump off." "Yes, sir!" shouted the seaman. He completed all the tasks perfectly. "Now that's bravery!" said the admiral.

"That's nothing," snorted the Army general. "Private! Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack full of rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down head first." "Yes, sir!" shouted the private and easily completed the task. "Now that's bravery!"

They all looked at the Marine. "Private, put on full combat gear, put pit bulls in your pack, climb that flagpole using only one hand, at the top sing 'The Halls of Montezuma,' put your knife in your teeth and dive off headfirst." The private snapped to attention, looked at his general and shouted, "F*¢k you, sir!" The Marine turned to the others and said, "See? Now that is bravery!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Jagermeister]

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bay water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it on to the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The Blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out:















"SHIT !!!... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

[PETE'S BROTHER]

JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT

(I don't care what party you like, this one's funny!!)
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and
Asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
Restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give
Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He
Shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
Cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of
Hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.
He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's
About gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the
Restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold
Beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and
Said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength
Come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
Kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and
He raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the
Door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting
Disability."

[Whiteflag]

Why do the woman have 2 black eyes?

She said no twice!

[chefcraig]

Why do the woman have 2 black eyes?

She said no twice!

Wow, the poor grammar really sells that one. What a knee-slapper.

[Whiteflag]

What a knee-slapper.

i once put one of my ex-wives on my lap. you figure out what happened next

[chefcraig]

i once put one of my ex-wives on my lap. you figure out what happened next

Your considerable lack of hygiene lead her to run screaming for fresh air and jumping out of a porthole?

[fifth element]

The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader called Abraham of Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com'.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, 'Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?'


And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said,

'How, dear?'

And Dot replied,

'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete (look it up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.


And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say,

'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others'. And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known 'eBay' he said,

'We need a name that reflects what we are.'
And Dot replied,

'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'

'YAHOO!' exclaimed Abraham.


And that is how it all began.

Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.

[PETE'S BROTHER]

in your own word "ugghh"

[fifth element]

in your own word "ugghh"

LOLOL...i thought it was funny enough to share...lol

[ace diamond]

what's brown and has holes?

[sadaist]

what's brown and has holes?

The hooker down the street?

[Keeyth]

what's brown and has holes?

Yeah, there are way too many things that could be... lol!

[chefcraig]

what's brown and has holes?

Your best pair of underwear?

[ace diamond]

what's brown and has holes?

swiss shit!

[ace diamond]

Your best pair of underwear?

what underwear?
i'm freeballin'!

[ace diamond]

The hooker down the street?

no, not pam.............no thank you..........not on your life............or mine!

[Jérôme Frenchise]

A heavy boozer comes up against one of his mates who's carrying two big shopping bags
full of beer packs and a French baguette under his armpit.
"Would you like to join in? I'm doing a dinner party tonight. Look, I have everything here."

The other guy goes: "What are you gonna do with all that bread?"

[Hardrock69]

[Hardrock69]

[Shaun Ponsonby]

Two antennas meet on a rooftop and get married. The wedding was shit, but the reception was excellent.

You are welcome.

[sadaist]

SUMBICH!

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and
flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'


'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

[Jagermeister]

[ThrillsNSpills]

A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf.

The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A man's voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was
all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the
window?"

"Uh, yeah, sir.. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm
a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.. I'll give
you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"Now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for
you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other in every way.. After about three hours
of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes
and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 45," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT." He said, "Forty-five years old and both of you still believe
in genies?"

[Hardrock69]

A guy goes into a pet store and he's just browsing around. Nobody there but him and the shopkeeper.

All of a sudden a customer busts in, runs up to the counter, slams $500 down and yells "I NEED A SESSION MONKEY RIGHT NOW!"

The shopkeeper calmly goes to the back, takes a monkey out of a cage of several, leads him to the counter and hands him over.

"THANKS BUDDY!" and the guy is gone.

So the guy walks over to the counter and says, "you know, I don't mean to pry but that was kind of odd, what's a session monkey and why is he $500?"

"Well, a session monkey can play 10 different instruments all at the virtuoso level. He can save any session and can sight read a chart better than anybody."

"Wow," the man said, "that's impressive!" And he continues browsing the fish tanks. Pretty soon another customer busts in the door. He slams $1,000 on the counter and says "I NEED A MIXER MONKEY AND I NEED HIM NOW!"

The shopkeeper calmly walks to the same cage, removes another monkey and leads him to the counter and hands him over.

"THANKS A MILLION!" the guy says and hauls ass out with his monkey.

"Ok," the guy says, "I just HAVE to ask. What is a MIXER MONKEY, and why is he twice the price of a session monkey? What does HE do?"

"Well," the shopkeeper explains, "the mixer monkey is fluent on any desk, any outboard gear and all recording formats. He is a Jedi mixer and can take any conglomeration of tracks and make a million-selling cut out of them no matter WHAT they sound like to start with."

"Wow," our hero says, "that's pretty impressive!" and he goes back to browsing the hamster cages.

Mere minutes later a third man roars into the shop screaming and wailing and gnashing his teeth. He careens into the counter knocking over several displays of pet accessories.

"I MUST HAVE A PRODUCER MONKEY RIGHT NOW!!" he screamed at the shopkeeper and plunks $5,000 cash down.

The shopkeeper remains nonplussed, walks calmly to the cage and draws out a third monkey. He leads the new monkey back to the counter and hands it to the customer who sprints back out the door.

"Ok," the guy says, "that was bizarre. What in the WORLD is the story here? A producer monkey? What does HE do??"

The shopkeeper replies, "So far as I can tell, not a goddamn thing but I can get $5,000 apiece for 'em!"

[Jagermeister]

Classic!

Cowboy rules for:
Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!

And there is more.............
The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline.

OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use..... The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 15 million less people using our gas.
The price of gas would come down.....
Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ....

Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it......

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.....
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. .......

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.....

[VAiN]

I heard this one a few days ago.... It's super offensive... so I love it.

What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?




















Michael Phelps can finish a race.

Ba-Zing!!!!

[Bob_R]

Why isn't this thread a sticky anymore? Been stickied (is that a word?) for years.

[sadaist]

Why isn't this thread a sticky anymore? Been stickied (is that a word?) for years.

Agree. I had to search for it.

[sadaist]

Depressed?


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Folks, we're screwed

[ThrillsNSpills]

Why do lesbians look forward to menopause?







Because they finally get to have a moustache.