Joke thread

[MAX]

Originally posted by FasterPussycat
I love cocks too much for that!!!

What's the worst thing about being a pete?

Your best friend is a gunt.

[canadiandlrgirl]

a girl and a guy are having sex when they both say, "i'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freaking freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.
After awhile they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem can stay in bed.
They both think for awhile when the guy says, "ok, i got one. two times two is four plus five is nine, i can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine."
So she thinks for a minute and says, "two times two is four plus five is nine, i kno the length of yours but you will never kno the debth of mine.

[blonddgirl777]

How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb?
Well dhuh!.... Only one!

Although I didn't know I had to UNSCREW it (it was not written on the box)! :confused:


Ouch, that broken glass hurts!!! :eek:

[canadiandlrgirl]

what is a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?

humpme dumpme.....

why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blondes been driving a car?

because she blows the horn.

[blonddgirl777]

L.M.A.O.!!!

[blonddgirl777]

Why does a blond wear panties?

... To warm up her ankles!

[canadiandlrgirl]

A 70 year old spinster decides she wants to marry so she puts an ad in the paper. The ad only has 3 requirements ; the man cannot hit her cannot run around on her andmust be great in bed. Weeks go by with no responce to the ad, finally the doorbell rings, the old lady answers the door and finds a quadriplegic man in a wheelchair she looks at him in amazement and says, "you can't be possibly be applying for my ad. you have no arms!" He replied "Therefore, I can never hit you." She concidered this and said, "But....you have no legs." Therefore, I can never run around on you." She looked at him with a lascivious gleam in her eye and asked "And are you great in bed?"He grinned up at her and said,I rang the doorbell, didn't i?":p

[blonddgirl777]

L.O.L... that's funny!

[canadiandlrgirl]

what is another name for pickled bread?

DILL DOUGH

[canadiandlrgirl]

And God Created Man......

And God Created Woman
she had two arms,two legs and three breasts

And God asked woman what she would like changed about herself
and she asked for her middle breast to be removed

And it was good

And she stood with her third breast in her hand and asked what should be done with this useless boob.....











And God created Man.....

[canadiandlrgirl]

One day in the garden of eden, Eve called out to God...."Lord, I have a problem!"

"what's the problem Eve?"

"Lord I kno you've created me and this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that halarious comedic snake, but i'm just not happy."

"Why is that Eve?"

"Lord i'm lonely and i'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, Then i have a solution for you, I will create a man for you."

"What's a man Lord?"

"The man will be a flawed creature,with aggressive tendencies, enormous ego,and inability to empathize or listen to you properly, allin all he'll give you a hard time,but he will be bigger,faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about,hunting fleet footed ruminants,and not all together bad in the sack.

"Sounds great," said Eve with an ironically raised eyebrow,"What's the catch Lord?"

"Yeah, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that Lord?"

"You will have to let him believe I made him first."

[RuzDNailz]

A guy walks into a bar and says 'b-b-b-bar-bartender, can I-I-I-I have a b-b-b-beer?'
Bartender looks at him and says 'geez, that's some stutter you got there, pal!'
The guy says 'w-w-w-well no sh-sh-sh-shit!'
Bartender says 'Ya know I used to stutter just like you until one
night I had my wife give me 3 blow jobs and I fucked her twice and
ever since then I haven't stuttered once! Try it, pal!'
Guy smiles and says 'Oh, th-th-th-thank y-y-y-you!' The next night
the stutter guy comes back into the bar and asks the bartender 'c-c-c-c-c-ould I h-h-h-h-have a b-b-b-beer?' The bartender slaps his forehead and says to the guy 'Oh, come on man! Why didn't you try
what I told you!?'
The guy told the bartender 'l-l-l-listen I t-t-t-tried to d-d-do what you s-s-said but it-t-t-t didn't work b-b-b-ut I must say that you have a
very nice apartment and wife!'

[RuzDNailz]

Two guys are at the bar getting completely hammered until one drunk
takes an empty bottle and starts pissing in it. The other guy looks at him and asks 'what er' you doin' *burp!*' The other drunk replies 'this shit is SO good, I'll drink it again!'

[Ozzy Fudd]

> Dear Employees:
>
> It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
> throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
> normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from
> some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be
> no longer been tolerated. We do however; realize the critical importance
> of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
> co-workers.
>
> Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
> proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
> manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
>
> TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
> INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
>
> TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
> INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
>
> TRY SAYING: Really?
> INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
>
> TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
> INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
>
> TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
> INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
>
> TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
> INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
>
> TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
> INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
>
> TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
> INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?
>
> TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
> INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
>
> TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
> INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
>
> TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
> INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
>
> TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
> INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
>
> TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
> INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
>
> TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
> INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
>
> TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
> INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?
>
> TRY SAYING: I see.
> INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
>
> TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
> INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
>
> Thank You,
> Human Resources

[canadiandlrgirl]