Joke thread

[PETE'S BROTHER]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?

Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:




"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Signs of the times...

[fraroc]

Signs of the times...

HAVE YOU SEEN JUNIOR'S GRADES?!?!?!?

(insert high-kick here)

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Of course it's a a wink at "And the cradle will rock..."...

By the way, a true story that happened to me 16 years ago. I had a teachers/parents meeting on a Saturday morning.
And well, I'd had a party the night before, but I was doing quite well till a pupil came in with er... one of his parents, who
looked exactly like a nun I used to know when I was a kid, same face, same hair, same glasses.

I said: "Hello, Madam. Will you sit down..."...

... and the pupil told me in a low, embarrassed voice: "He's my father."

The man, of course, kept a bad look in his eye throughout the interview while I felt but like vanishing in a snap...

[Jérôme Frenchise]

What did they actually find inside Arafat's corpse?...





































Israelium!

[PETE'S BROTHER]

[envy_me]

This one is hillarious

[Nitro Express]

HAVE YOU SEEN JUNIOR'S GRADES?!?!?!?

(insert high-kick here)

The 2012 should only have one parent.

[envy_me]

[envy_me]

[envy_me]

[PETE'S BROTHER]

Gotta watch those Indians in Arizona

INDIANS DON'T USE SADDLES....

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when
her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride
to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the
service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist,
and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'

[envy_me]

Conan O'Brien:

"Prince William & Kate Middleton are expecting. Is it too weird to hope they name their kid Joffrey?"

[vandeleur]

Tradition dictates they will call their first male child ruprecht .

[PETE'S BROTHER]

[Jérôme Frenchise]

What will a rasta say when he stops smoking pot?

"What's that fucking shitty music?!"

[Nitro Express]

I met two girls from Thailand they invited me home. They said the sex would be like winning the Lotto! It was, we stripped off and to my horror we had six matching Balls.

[Coyote]

What? One joke thread ain't enough?

[big fatty]

00638q37.jpg

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg ?



Suck his dick.

[ELVIS]

Or, show the dog a pic of Krusty...

[Nitro Express]

What? One joke thread ain't enough?

The existing one was so lost in the clutter I couldn't find it.

[Coyote]

The existing one was so lost in the clutter I couldn't find it.

Third stickied thread from the top...

[lesfunk]

Jesus it's cold outside. It's so cold I actually saw a Democrat with his hands in his own pockets

[Bob_R]

There's already a Joke thread from 3-6-2004.

[Coyote]

Might as well...

[vandeleur]

My mate loaned me a porn DVD last night so today I thought I would check it out . So I put it in and start watching it but thought this is a bit crap it's just a fat bloke holding his cock.
Then I realised I hadn't turned the tv on.

[hambon4lif]

I asked my woman what she would do if I won the lottery. She said "I would take half the money, and leave you!"

I said "Well that's fine, 'cause I just won ten bucks.....here's five, now hit the road!"

[hambon4lif]

Talking to a guy who'd been married to his wife for 38 years. I said "Damn, that's a long time! What's your secret?"

He says "On our 30th anniversary, I took her to Tahiti. Going back to Tahiti for our 40th....to see how she's doing. Maybe even bring her back this time."

Genius!

[Jérôme Frenchise]

The common point between Xmas tree balls and a priest's: both are just for decoration.

[jacksmar]

My wife told me to kiss her where it smells funny. So I took her to Miami.

[VetteLS5]

Two guys are at work comparing notes on what they got their wives for Valentine's Day:

First guy says "I got her a dozen roses, some earrings, and we're going out to dinner". Second guy replies "that's nice... I got my wife a couple things too".

"Oh yeah" says first guy, "what did you get her?".

Second guy replies "I got her a sundress and a dildo". First guy looks puzzled and says "that's an odd combination - why'd you get her those two things?".

Second guy says "oh, that's easy... if she doesn't like the dress she can go fuck herself".

[Nickdfresh]

Two women decide to have a girls' night out at the local bar. So they both get dressed up and go out. After a night of innocent boozing, they decide it's time to go and decide to walk home. About half way home, both have to go to the bathroom really badly. So the one woman says "we can go into the graveyard and pee behind the stones" to save their dignity.

One of the woman, after peeing, realizes she has no toilet paper, obviously, so she takes her cotton panties and wipes herself with them. The other woman is wearing an expensive Victoria's Secret underwear box set, so there's no way she's doing that. Looking around, she sees a wreath on the headstone on a fallen firefighter. So she takes part of the ribbon off it and wipes herself. Both women drunkenly wander home.

The next day, their husbands on are the phone. The one guy says, "you know, these 'girls-nights-out' have to stop. My wife came home last night with no underwear on!"

The other guy says, "you think that's bad, my wife came home with a thank you card on her ass from the local fire company saying 'we will never forget you!'"...

[vandeleur]

Missus left a note on the fridge, saying its not working, I'm staying at mum's for a while!

I opened it light came on and the beer was cold. Fuck knows what she was on about!

[Jérôme Frenchise]

A guy asks the girl he's just had sex with: "You're a nurse, aren't you?"

She replies: "Nope. Why?"

He says: "You clean your hands before and after."

She goes: "And you, are you an anaesthetist?"

He answers: "No, I'm not. Why?"

She says nonchalantly: "Well, I didn't feel anything."

[Jérôme Frenchise]

A doctor prescribes:

"In the evening, leave your problems at the bed end and try to get some rest.

-- Oh, but I can't do that, Doctor, the patient replies.

-- Why can't you?

-- My wife will never accept to sleep on the floor!"

[ELVIS]

Jérôme made a funny...

[VetteLS5]

A manager at a company is has been conducting interviews for an admin/mailroom type position. He's finally settled on an Asian man for the job. On the first day on the job, the manager is giving his new hire a tour of the office, etc. and shows him to the mailroom which also has racks and cabinets full of paper, pens, post-it notes... all kind of things.

Manager says "now Toshi, it's important to remember that along with sorting and delivering the mail, you need to keep track of all the inventory in here. So you're in charge of managing the supply of these items". The new hire nods in agreement, and is excited to start his new job.

About 3 hours later, the same manager and his boss the VP are walking a client through the office. They round the corner past the mailroom, and Toshi jumps out from behind a cubicle and screams "BOOOOO".

Once they collect themselves from the unsettling incident, the manager takes his new hire Toshi off to the side and says "What the fuck was that all about? You nearly scared our client to death!"

Toshi replies... "well, sorry boss I thought I was just doing my job - you said I was in charge of SUPPLIZE".

[PETE'S BROTHER]

Went to a charity disco last night for women born without legs...
Dance floor was crawling with pussy

[vandeleur]

Went to a charity disco last night for women born without legs...
Dance floor was crawling with pussy

Thought you were gonna crack the ..... Why did women develop legs ...... Have you ever seen the mess a snail leaves gag

[Jérôme Frenchise]

A guy meets a mate in town. His mate is grumbling, carrying a huge disc on his back, visibly in a terrible mood. He's carrying a big suitcase too.

The guy asks: "Why the hell do you have that huge disc on your back? And what is there in this big suitcase in your hand?"

His friend opens the suitcase. In a smoking cloud, an old djinn comes out of it.

The djinn goes: "Noble stranger, tell me just one wish and I will grant it. Just one, so think twice."

The guy thinks a little and says;

"Gimme a billion dollars!"

Suddenly, it's raining dolls, toy dolls damn hard...

"I asked a billion dollars, you dumb djinn! Not dolls!", yells the guy.

Then his friend says: "That old fucker is deaf... Do you think I asked him for a big disc?!"