Joke thread

[Angel]

^^^

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Why do dogs often lick their own dick?

Because they CAN!

[ELVIS]

I know a better version...

Boudreaux and Thibodaux, while walking down street, see a dog cleaning himself...

Boudreaux says to Thibodaux, "Mais, I wish I could do dat, yeah."

Thibodaux replies, "dat dog will bite you, yeah!

Or something like that...

[vandeleur]

I don't do innuendos, but slipping alternative names for poo into sentences is something I do do.

[Seshmeister]

I know a better version...

Boudreaux and Thibodaux, while walking down street, see a dog cleaning himself...

Boudreaux says to Thibodaux, "Mais, I wish I could do dat, yeah."

Thibodaux replies, "dat dog will bite you, yeah!

Or something like that...

A better version?

Making it racist and then removing the thing that makes the joke work, the licking balls part, did not make it better - you ruined it completely.

[Coyote]

Richard Pryor would've made a great president...

[ELVIS]

how 'bout this one ??

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux took a trip to Scotland and walked into a pub, and after several hours of steady drinking, they witnessed a Scot who suddenly fell backwards off of the barstool and onto the floor, passed out cold, kilt over his head, and a Steel Panther backstage pass rammed up his arse. Boudreaux looks at Thib, looks up at the bartender, and remarks, "Dat's what I like about dem Scots. Dey knows when dey done had enough to drink."

[Nickdfresh]

A better version?

Making it racist and then removing the thing that makes the joke work, the licking balls part, did not make it better - you ruined it completely.

Elvis is a gentleman when regaling his sexual conquests...

[Jérôme Frenchise]

[Fairwrning]

Whats the difference between a blow job and a corvette?

Your mother didnt give me a corvette.

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Two very uptight chicks are talking about their deep wish and pride of never ever having sex.
One of them is obviously pregnant, so the other goes:

Bertha: I thought you would never have sex just like I never will?

Margaret: I've found a doctor who can help you get pregnant without having to.
He is repellently ugly, but very efficient - just look at me...

Bertha: Oh, really? Give me his address, I must try!

So Bertha gets an appointment with that doctor, who is very ugly indeed.

Doc: So, are you sure you want to have a baby?

Bertha: Absolutely. I've always wanted to be a mother,
but could never bear the idea of succumbing to flesh...

Doc: I have what you need. Are you attracted to men
anyway? Do you have any ideal of man?

Bertha: Oh, sure! I'm fond of Brad Pitt.

Doc: All right. Take this pill and think really hard about Brad Pitt.

Then Bertha collapses, and the doctor rushes to abuse her like a beast:

Doc: I'll give you some Brad Pitt, I'll give you some uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh...

[Angel]

Newflash...Jokes are supposed to be funny...rape is not funny.

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Newflash...Jokes are supposed to be funny...rape is not funny.

It is not. But it can be, when imaginary in a joke, can't it?

[Angel]

It is not. But it can be, when imaginary in a joke, can't it?

No. Never.

[Jérôme Frenchise]

The scene takes place in a Buddhist temple.

Disciple : Master, could you teach me the difference between a woman and a pearl?

Master : The difference, humble little beetle, is that you can slip into a pearl at both ends, whereas you can only slip into a woman at one..

Disciple (confuzed) : But, Master, shame on me to contradict your Himalayan wisdom, but I heard some women let themselves slip into at both ends...

Master (slightly smiling back): Those aren't women, they're pearls.

[vandeleur]

I stole this but it made me think of here

This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’

[vandeleur]

Some of the finalists for funniest joke of the Fringe Festival 2014

1. "I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine.

2. "I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.

3. "Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson.

4. "I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos" - Bec Hill.

5. "I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina.

6. "Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor.

7. "Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying" - Scott Capurro.

8. "I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven" - Jason Cook.

9. "This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it" - Felicity Ward.

[Seshmeister]

#1 won

[VAiN]

The thing about #1 - it sucks.

[Seshmeister]

[Jérôme Frenchise]

A desperate 13-year-old girl is calling a desperate hearts radio show.

Girl: I feel desperate. Really, really badly desperate...

Host: What's going on sweetie?

Girl: I'm a 13-year-old gipsy girl, and I'm still a virgin you see...

Host: Well, I don't see anything wrong. Many 13-year-olds are still virgins you know.

Girl: Well, I do feel damn desperate: my daddy might be gay.

[Jérôme Frenchise]

St Peter's taking in three newcomers. Women.

The first one comes to him and he says: "Were you a sinner down on earth?"

"Well, i wasn't a saint, but I never ever cheated on my husband."

"All right, well done, here is a golden key. Up there, at the end of the corridor."

The second one: "I was what could be called a semi-sinner: I was no she-devil, but I used to sin a little and..."

"And?..."

"... and I cheated on my husband a couple of times. I am sorry..."

"Here's a silver key: up there past the corridor."

The Third one: "I made the most of the most of it! I fucked and fucked again and again, with any guy I met. Couldn't help it, I'm a sex addict."

(whispering) "Here's the key of my room. First on your left past the corridor."

[Kristy]

Ghey.

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Here's my first

Ghey.

from you. With a joke from my in-law... Serves me right.

[FORD]

A customer walks into a store and asks, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"


The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"


The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.


If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?


Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?


Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?


Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?


Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"


The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."


The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"


The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

[Jérôme Frenchise]

A short one from the (sub-par IMO) movie "Will Hunting" that I saw the other day.

From the cockpit, a pilot tells the co-pilot "Aaah. Now I'm craving for a cup of coffe and a blowjob...",
unaware that his mike is on and the whole plane can hear him.

In dismay, a stewardess then starts rushing to the cockpit. When she's half-way, a passenger yells "Hey! You forgot the cup of coffee!"

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Damned, that last one kicked ass, didn't?

Here's another:

A coarse guy tells his wife: "Mmmmh... your ass looks as wide and hot as a BBQ!"

She doesn't reply.

In the evening, once he slips under the sheets to stick right behind her, she says:

"Oh hon, we aren't starting the BBQ for such a small sausage, are we?"

[Jérôme Frenchise]

A woman to her husband:

"Darling, you love sodomy porn and candid cameras so much, don't you? You're gonna be happy as I took an appointment for you. Colonoscopy."

[High Life Man]

What do you hear when you hold a white seashell to your ear?

The ocean.

What do you hear when you hold a black seashell to your ear?

The Billy Ocean.

[Jérôme Frenchise]

A Texan is meeting a Russian in a bar. Both are boasting about their skills.

The Texan goes: "I can shoot through six 50-cent coins with 6 bullets."
The Russian says: "I don't believe you."

So the Texan throws six 50-cent coins up in the air and makes a hole right in the middle of each of them with his gun and goes:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Russian says: "I'm not impressed at all. I have 3 dicks and 3 pairs of bollocks."

The Texan says: "I don't believe you."

Then the Russian pulls his pants and all down, and the Texan stares in dismay.

The Russian goes: "My name is Bill. Tcherno Bill."

[cadaverdog]

A Texan is meeting a Russian in a bar. Both are boasting about their skills.

The Texan goes: "I can shoot through six 50-cent coins with 6 bullets."
The Russian says: "I don't believe you."

So the Texan throws six 50-cent coins up in the air and makes a hole right in the middle of each of them with his gun and goes:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Russian says: "I'm not impressed at all. I have 3 dicks and 3 pairs of bollocks."

The Texan says: "I don't believe you."

Then the Russian pulls his pants and all down, and the Texan stares in dismay.

The Russian goes: "My name is Bill. Tcherno Bill."

I had to look up the word Tcherno because I didn't get it. We don't spell that word with a T here.

[Jérôme Frenchise]

shut up John.jpg

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Cap.jpg

There's a bunch of other strips at https://grogcomics.com

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Whales.jpg

https://grogcomics.com/