Joke thread

[Bob_R]

Originally posted by diamondsgirl
LOL

[Matt White]

Men's English:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

[Dave's Bitch]

Originally posted by Matt White
Men's English:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

LMAO

[canadiandlrgirl]

Originally posted by Sammy's Bitch
LMAO

that was funny and SO true

[UGS]

What does a blonde have in common w/ a tampon?

































They are both stuck up cunts

[canadiandlrgirl]

What three things do guys love that start with the letter M???


















Money,music and mmm....pussy :p

[canadiandlrgirl]

A Womans four favorite animals


A mink in the closet
A jaguar in the garage
A tiger in the bedroom
And an ass to pay for it all!

[Bob_R]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .

I'm sorry. What was the question?

[rustoffa]

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well". A little cuntcerned about the comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "do you drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. Can't stand the stuff!

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks.....BBQ ribs....burgers?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all read meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend alot of time in the sun, like playing golf, fishing, water skiing, mountain biking?"
"Not really," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars.....have promiscuous sex?"
"Nope," I said. "None of it."

He looked at me and said, "Then why in the fuck do you care if you live to be eighty?"

[Ally_Kat]

bump

[Anonymous]

Little Johnny had been staying at his grandmother's house for a few days when he came in from playing with the neighborhood kids to ask, "Grandma, what's it called when people sleep on top of each other?" Grandma was taken aback, but decided to be frank. "That's called 'sexual intercourse,' darling." Little Johnny said, "Okay," and went back outside to play. A little later he returned. "Grandma, it's not called 'sexual intercourse,' it's called 'bunk beds!'"

This one's fer you ladies...

God told all the men in Heaven to form two lines, one for those who were head of their household, the other for those who were dominated by their wives. Soon, the second line stretched out of sight, while the first contained just one man. God said, "You should be ashamed of yourselves. I created man to be the head of his home, to be its spiritual leader and yet only this man obeyed. May the rest of you learn from him. My son, please tell the others how you became the only man in this line." The man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand over here!"


Cheers! :bottle:

[Dave's Bitch]

Originally posted by canadiandlrgirl
A Womans four favorite animals


A mink in the closet
A jaguar in the garage
A tiger in the bedroom
And an ass to pay for it all!

LOL

Love it

[Anonymous]

Battle of the sexes

One fer us...

Man discovered weapons and invented hunting; woman discovered hunting and invented furs. Man discovered colors and invented painting; woman discovered painting and invented make-up. Man discovered speech and invented conversation; woman discovered conversation and invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture and invented food; woman discovered food and invented diet. Man discovered friendship and invented love; woman discovered love and invented marriage. Man discovered woman and invented sex; woman discovered sex and invented headaches. Man discovered trade and invented money; woman discovered money and after that, man was a complete mess!

And one fer you:

When Pope John Paul II got to heaven, St. Peter told him he was lucky to be there. John Paul asked, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?" "God was angry with your refusal to admit female priests," said St. Peter. "He's mad about that?" the late pope asked. St. Peter replied, "She's furious."

Pick the winner!

Cheers! :bottle:

[blonddgirl777]

Sorry... just trying to get rid of the big ugly thread (by bumping this one)...

[Bob_R]

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.


When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.


The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.


Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.


Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."


No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.