Joke thread

[Elitest]

uh huh....

[Bob_R]

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. She made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three
pickets to Titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled in
panic.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three
tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
Mortified at his own blunder, he too fled.

The third priest moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three
tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes."

Confident that he had got it all correct, he continued, "And, I must
say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly
gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you....

[Bob_R]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man
walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the
old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and
had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my
son."

[Bob_R]

She was Soooooooo Blonde . . .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde..
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde..
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

[Bob_R]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART 1 (THE BEGINNING!)


1. What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

2. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

3. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

4. What do you see when the Pillsbury-Dough-Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

5. Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

6. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.

[Bob_R]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART 2 (JUST WARMING UP!)

1. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

2. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

3. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

4. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

5. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

6. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

7. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

8. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

9. What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

10. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

11. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

12. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

13. What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

14. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

15. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

16. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

17. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

18. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

19. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays,Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

[Bob_R]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART 3 (CRUISING NOW!)

1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your boat"

2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

3. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

4. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is
flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

5. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage along with.. "A recipe".

6. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say
the "F" word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell
BINGO!

7. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and
a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

8. My, my, how times have changed.
Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man,
we calle It the Ku Klux Klan.
Today they call it the PGA TOUR

[Bob_R]

A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?" The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you,
I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in
about 10, and we'll get you started."

The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me
to come at 10?" "Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that.

[smaz]

A woman came home one night and said to her husband
"The doctor said i have the boobs and an ass of an 18 year old".
Her husband said
"What did he say about your 40 year old c**t?"
She replied "He didnt mention you!"

[FORD]

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?



Pentecostal: 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: ?
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined.

Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish:
What's a light bulb?

[DaveIsKing]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD??

David Lee Roth- " Cuz the chicken knows I'm better'n he is."

[Dan]

Why does the Queen not have her pussy on a stamp,would you lick it.

[FORD]

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Catholic priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a Methodist minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

[MAX]

Originally posted by FORD
Mormons: 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

LOL!!! Pretty good joke. However, Mormons aren't Christian by any means.

[thefive]

Originally posted by MAX
LOL!!! Pretty good joke. However, Mormons aren't Christian by any means.

Ain't that the truth.
You have knowledge Max.