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Thread: Joke thread

  1. #81
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    A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't
    seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

    "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
    "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
    "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
    fine now."

    "Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
    "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword
    fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
    "What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

    "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
    from some bird shit."

    "It was my first day with the hook."
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  2. #82
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    DOT

    For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion. The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington. When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in Florida.

  3. #83
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    A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice red apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T. O. T.
    Knowing that she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she
    cautiously asked, "Can someone explain what T. O. T. means?"
    Mary in the front row raised her hand to explain, "It means "To Our
    Teacher."

    The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than
    the day before. This time there is a tag with T. O. T. W. L. written on it. She asks for an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves his hand to explain, "That means "To Our Teacher With Love".

    The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on
    her desk with a tag saying "F. U. C. K." Her jaw drops and she screams, "Who can explain this?" Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, That means "From Us Colored kids!"

  4. #84
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    Two prostitutes were riding around town
    with a sign on top of their car which said:

    "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

    A policeman, seeing the sign,
    stopped them and told them
    they'd either have to remove the sign
    or go to jail.

    Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
    "JESUS SAVES."
    One of the girls asked the officer,
    "How come you don't stop them?!"

    "Well, that's a little different,"
    the officer smiled . . .
    "Their sign pertains to religion."

    So the two ladies of the night frowned
    as they took their sign down and drove off.

    The following day found the same police officer
    in the area when he noticed the two ladies
    driving around with a large sign on their car again.

    Figuring he had an easy arrest,
    he began to catch up with them
    when he noticed the new sign which now read:

    "Two Fallen Angels
    Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

  5. #85
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    GIVE ME A SENSE OF HUMOR, LORD


    There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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    I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air.


    She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

    I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"


    The driver of a nearby car, (blonde), gave me a strange look and said.


    "Why don't you just put it in park?"
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  7. #87
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    THE CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL

    A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
    covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

    Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
    inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
    forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.... I'm a gynecologist."

    That's when the proctologist fainted.

  8. #88
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    NEWLY WEDS:

    A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
    although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
    partywith his old buddies.

    So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
    "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
    "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The
    wife said "You want a beer, my love?". She opened the door to the
    refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, Ireland, etc.

    The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
    think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they
    have frozen glasses..."

    He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
    him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at
    the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long,

    I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
    You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in the blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

    "But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing,
    dirty words and all that..."

    "You want dirty words, cutie pie?

    ..."LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD***N FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER F**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE! ..... GOT IT, A$$HOLE?"

    .........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet
    story?

  9. #89
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    Sperm Count


    An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
    The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
    "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
    "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
    nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
    Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
    then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
    first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
    We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too,
    first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
    squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"


    The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
    we still couldn't get the jar open."

  10. #90
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    "A female lawyer in Seattle is in trouble for having sex in jail with her client who is a murderer. How creepy is that? Sex with a lawyer . . .

    - Jay Leno
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    During a sermon, the preacher says to his congregation, "The Bible covers everything. I challenge anyone to name a subject I can't find in the Good Book."

    A woman in a back pew raised her hand and asks, "What about PMS?"
    Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through the Bible before exclaiming, "Oh here it is: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.'"

  12. #92
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    Don't Laugh

    Bob went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're
    going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
    "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over 20
    years, I've never laughed at a patient."
    "Okay then," Bobby said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
    tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the
    doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later, he was able to
    struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
    "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a
    doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to
    be the problem?"
    "It's swollen."

  13. #93
    Food for thought
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    A man goes into a Chinese restaurant. He orders rice and chicken. When the meal arrives he notices some lice on the table and comments to the waiter. "This is lice".
    The waiter smiles and nods his head. "Yeah lice n'chicken." He says and walks away in a hurry.

    The man ignores the lice and tries the chicken. It is tough and chewy. He calls the waiter again. "Waiter this chicken is rubbery" he says.
    The waiter smiles and says "Oh fank yu vey much sir".
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  14. #94
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    A Retiree's Story

    After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for
    Social
    Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
    license to verify my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
    told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my
    wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

    The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt
    revealing my curly silver hair.
    She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me"
    and she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
    the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your
    pants.
    You might have gotten disability too."

  15. #95
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    A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

    At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the shit out of him.

  16. #96
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    That's why we have the camel, sir."

    The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

    About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

    When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the irish do it?"

    "Uh, no sir," the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

  17. #97
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    Just in case you thought the world was full of intelligent people. This
    proves otherwise. This is why it is important to use common sense!

    Customer service!!!

    Motto: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die......... This
    is just so priceless....and so easy to see happening, customer service
    being what it is....

    My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and
    March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then
    added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had
    been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00

    I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

    Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

    Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
    still apply."

    Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

    Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

    Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

    Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report
    her to the credit bureau... maybe both!"

    Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

    Citibank: "excuse me?"

    Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her
    being dead?"

    Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets
    on the phone)

    Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

    Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
    still apply."

    Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

    Citibank: "... (stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

    Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

    Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

    Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
    (After they get the fax)

    Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

    Me: "Oh..."

    Citibank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

    Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
    billing her... I suppose ...don't really think she will care.... "

    Citibank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply. "

    Me: "'Would you like her new billing address? "

    Citibank: "That might help. "

    Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery (address and plot number given. )

    Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery! "

    Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

  18. #98
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    Big Gorilla
    Two gay guys were at the zoo. After seeing the
    size of the schlong on the male Gorilla, one of the
    men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached
    into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him,
    dragged him into the cage and screwed him for
    six hours nonstop. When he was done, the gorilla
    threw the gay man back out of the cage.
    An ambulance was called and the man was taken
    away to the hospital.
    The next day his friend visits him in the hospital
    and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he
    shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't
    called, he hasn't written...""

  19. #99
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    Originally posted by Ozzy Fudd
    Big Gorilla
    Two gay guys were at the zoo. After seeing the
    size of the schlong on the male Gorilla, one of the
    men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached
    into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him,
    dragged him into the cage and screwed him for
    six hours nonstop. When he was done, the gorilla
    threw the gay man back out of the cage.
    An ambulance was called and the man was taken
    away to the hospital.
    The next day his friend visits him in the hospital
    and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he
    shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't
    called, he hasn't written...""
    Kid Vegas....used again poor sheep!!
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  20. #100
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    **** This is Ozzy Fudd's joke ****
    **** He couldn't find this thread ****
    **** Just being of assitance ****


    Subject: Good old Wal Mart


    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him," My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten
    seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

    "Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
    sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
    results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

    "Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

  21. #101
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    Talking

    Three men - a white man, a black man and a Chinese man- bet each other 1,000,000 to stay in a haunted house. So, in the middle of the first night, the Chinese man heres someone saying,"I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna eatcha". He jumps out the window screaming. The white man gets up, and he hears the same thing. He runs yelling out the door. The black man gets up and hears the same thing. He follows the voice to a closet. He slowly opens the door. He doesn't see anything, so he looks down. (Let suspence build.) He sees a little boy with his finger up his nose saying, "I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna eatcha.":p
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  22. #102
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    Cool

    There's a Chinese guy, a black guy and a white guy. The Chinese guy tells the others about a magical rock. He says that if you jump off it, you turn into whatever you shout out. The white guy jumps off and says,"Wolf!", and he promptly turns into a wolf and runs off. The Chinese guy jumps off and yells,"Eagle!", and he soars into the sky. The black guy gets up, trips, and says," Oh, shit!", and he promptly turns into a pile of shit.:p

  23. #103
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    Smile

    Three blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

  24. #104
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    Thumbs up

    A blonde, a brunette and a red-head are kidnapped by terroists. The brunette is going to be shot first. So, all the men line up as their leader yells,"Ready, aim..." At the last second, the brunette screams," Tornado!". Everyone scatters, and she gets away. The red-head is next, and the leader again sounds his call. At the last possible moment, th red-head screams, "Tidal Wave!" Everyone scatters and she gets away. The blonde is last, and for the last time the leader barks out his instructions. At the last instant, she lets go a yowl consisting of one word-"FIRE".

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    Red face

    It's the 75th day of school. Three boys and a new girl are missing from Mrs. Owens third grade class. The first boy comes in the teacher asks him why he is late. He says, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." The teacher automatically thinks of the hill just outside of the school. She says,"Okay. We're in the math book, page 13." The second boy comes in and gives the same excuse. The teacher again is reminded of that specific hill. She answers,"Okay. We're in the language arts book, page 69." The third boy comes in and offers the teacher the samestatement. She thinks that the boys must have been playing tag on the hill. She replies,"Okay. We're in the science book, page 666." The new girl comes in. Mrs. Owens introduces herself and asks the girl for her name. The girl promptly replies," I'm Cherry Hill."

  26. #106
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    Wink

    A man goes to his doctor. He is told he has a tapeworm, and that his treatment will start next week on Tuesday. So, the man goes in. On a tray there is a cookie, an apple and a carrot. The doctor comes in, and tells the man to drop his pants. The doctor shoves the cookie, the apple and the carrot up the man's butt. The man comes in the next week, and the same procedure transgresses. The man starts to wonder if his doctor is a pervert or one of the like, but he still goes in for his third "treatment". This time, however, instead of a cookie, there is a hammer. The doctor comes in, shoves the carrot and the apple up, and stands back. The tapeworm jumps out of the man's mouth and says,"Hey! Where's my cookie?" just before the doctor smashes it with the hammer.

  27. #107
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    A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she
    yelled.
    "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
    but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
    "Very good," said her mother.
    "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
    "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
    The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
    she
    yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could
    only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
    "Very good," said her mother.
    "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
    "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
    The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
    she
    yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other
    girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to
    reveal a pair of 36Cs.
    "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
    "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
    "No .... it's because you're 25."

  28. #108
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    These two muffins are sitting in an oven. The one muffin turns to the other and says, "we better get out of this oven before we get cooked alive!" The other muffin looks at the other and screams, "HOLY SHIT! A talking muffin!"
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    Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

  30. #110
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    Anyone done this yet?

    What`s the difference between a wank and an egg?

    You can beat an egg!
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  31. #111
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    What`s the difference between light an hard?

    You can get to sleep with a light on.

  32. #112
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  33. #113
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    Why you don't send your wife to Home Depot:



    Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he
    sent his wife Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Louise
    saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob,
    the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished,
    Louise asked how much for the teapot. Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and
    it costs $100!"

    "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Louise exclaimed. Then she
    proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob
    went to the back room to find it. From the back room Joe Bob yelled, "
    Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

    To which Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

  34. #114
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    a dyslexic walks into a bra.

    did you hear about the dyslexic
    devil worshipper?

    he sold his soul to santa.
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  35. #115
    YOU GIVE PEACE A CHANCE
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    Nice.
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  36. #116
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    -Jay Leno "Bill Clinton is everywhere now promoting his new book. I believe the last time Clinton did a media blitz like this it was to deny everything that's in this book."

    -David Letterman "Bill Clinton's book went on sale today at long last. Earlier today hundreds of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance to meet Bill Clinton. When asked if she minded the rain, one woman said, 'I'm meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined.'"

    -Conan O'Brien "I just read Bill Clinton's book. Hundreds of affairs, thousands of lies, lawsuits, subpoenas and then I got to page two."

    -Craig Kilborn "Former President Clinton is everywhere right now. Earlier today Oprah Winfrey asked Bill Clinton if he has talked to Monica Lewinsky since the affair. Clinton responded, 'Are you kidding? I didn't talk to her during the affair.'"

    -Conan O'Brien "A thousand people waited in line for an autographed copy of Bill Clinton's book. There was pushing, there was shoving, there was groping and that's just when Bill signed your book."

    -Craig Kilborn "I loved it when Bill Clinton told Dan Rather the worst day of his life was the day he told Hillary the truth. Well, of course, it was. The first time you try anything, it's always going to be difficult."

  37. #117
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    'I'm meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined.'"

    he he he
    hahaha

  38. #118
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    > > Brain Cramps
    > >
    > > Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
    > > Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
    because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but
    we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
    > > --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
    > >
    > > ``````````````````````````````````
    > > "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
    world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not
    with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
    > >
    > > ```````````
    > > "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
    your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for
    federal anti-smoking campaign.
    > >
    > > `````````````````````````````````````````````````
    > > "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
    body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
    > >
    > > `````````````````````````````````````````````
    > >
    > > "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
    in
    > > the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
    > >
    > > `````````````````````````````
    > >
    > > "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
    the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
    documents.
    > >
    > > `````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``
    > >
    > > "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
    I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
    > >
    > > ````````````````````````````
    > >
    > > "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies
    manager, Danny Ozark
    > >
    > > ``````````````````````````````````
    > >
    > > "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
    in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)
    > >
    > > ```````````````````
    > > "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
    > >
    > > ``````````
    > >
    > > "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we
    need?"--Lee Iacocca
    > >
    > > ```````````
    > > "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
    > > Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports
    analyst.
    > >
    > > ````````````````````````````````````````````
    > > "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
    people."
    > > --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
    > >
    > > `````````````````````````````````
    > > "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton,
    President
    > >
    > > ``````````````````
    > > "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
    > > --Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart)
    > >
    > > ````````````````
    > > "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
    > > --Keppel Enderbery
    > >
    > > ``````````````````````
    > > "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
    received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if
    there is a change in your circumstances."
    > > --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
    > >
    > > ````````````````````````````````````````````
    > > "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
    they
    > > go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
    > > next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S.
    Fowler, FCC Chairman
    > >
    > > ````````````````````````
    > >
    > > ....Feeling smarter yet?
    > >
    > > Send it on to your other brilliant friends,
    > > like I am doing!!

  39. #119
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    Fave joke!

    A man walks into a bar and spies a beautiful lady sitting at a table, all on her own.
    He walks over to her and says, “I don’t half fancy you love! I wouldn’t mind sucking your nipples ‘til they’re red raw!”
    With a look of disgust on her face she replies, “My husband is in the toilet and when he comes out he’ll batter you!”
    “That don’t scare me,” says the man. “In fact, what I’d like to do to you next is… flip you over on this table and give you one from behind!”
    “Ooh you horrible man! When my husband comes back your in for it! He’s a black belt in Karate,” Warns the women.
    Not bothered by the news, the man says “What I’d like to do to you next is flip you back over on the table, fill your Fanny full of beer and drink it out with a straw!”
    “You pervert!” shouts the women “my husbands gonna kill you!”
    The man turns and strolls over to the bar to get a drink.
    The husband returns to the table to find his wife in a state of distress.
    “What’s the matter? Love” enquires the husband.
    “This chap has walked in and said he wouldn’t mind sucking my nipples ‘til they’re red raw!” Explains the wife.
    “Which chap? Point him out!” says the husband
    “Wait!” she says. “It gets worse, he then said he wants to flip me over on the table and give me one from behind”
    “Fucking hell! Hold my jacket, I’ll fucking kill him!” fumes the husband
    “Wait” she says. “It gets worse, he then said he wants to flip me back over on the table, fill my Fanny full of beer and drink it out with a straw!”
    There is a silent pause and the husband puts his jacket back on and sits down at the table.
    “Aren’t you gonna sort him out?” Enquires the wife. To which the husband replies
    “Fuck me! I’m not tackling anyone who can drink THAT much!”
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  40. #120
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    moral to the story

    I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

    There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

    One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.

    What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word...
    She said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house…
    Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter.
    Welcome to the family.




    Moral: Always keep your condoms in your car!

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