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Thread: Joke thread

  1. #121
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    Father & son

    Father & son are sitting in the living room on a Sunday afternoon
    Dad is reading the Sunday papers while the young lad is busy playing with his train set.
    The train goes around the track & pulls into the station
    “any you fuckers wanna get on?…get on!”
    “any you fuckers wanna get off?…get off!”
    Says the youngster
    The Father peers around his paper not quite sure that he heard him right, so he lets it go. A few minutes later the train pulls into the station again
    “any you fuckers wanna get on?…get on!”
    “any you fuckers wanna get off?…get off!”
    Says the youngster
    This time the Dad is sure he heard him correctly, he leads the lad by the ear off up to his bedroom, gives him a stern telling off & tells him “No supper for you tonight”
    The Father goes back down to read his paper…
    About an Hour goes by & all the time the lad has been loudly crying his eyes out
    The Father begins to feel guilty so he lets the lad come back down, at which the youngster jumps straight back onto the train set.
    The train pulls into the station…
    “any you fuckers wanna get on?…get on!”
    “any you fuckers wanna get off?..get off!”
    “And if any of you fuckers wanna know why you’re an Hour late?…ask THAT cunt!”
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  2. #122
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    Lawyer And Blonde

    A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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  3. #123
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    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

    Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

    Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told
    him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

    Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later,
    when I was about three blocks fro m the store, I had a flat tire.
    When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting
    for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

    He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
    register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the
    floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing.

    When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which
    made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke.

    Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
    finally got back to answer it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermom eter...and believe me mister, as God is my witness,
    all I did was tell her!"
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  4. #124
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    Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
    prepared for the answer:

    In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
    witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her
    and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know
    you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and
    frankly,
    you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
    you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
    you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
    amount
    to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

    The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
    the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney? "She
    again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
    youngster, too. He's lazy, bigotted, and he has a drinking problem. He
    can't
    build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
    the worst
    in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
    different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

    The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
    approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
    bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail
    for contempt."

  5. #125
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    David was in his 4th grade class when the
    teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
    a living. All the typical answers came up-fireman,
    policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.

    David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the
    teacher asked him about his father.

    "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and
    takes off his clothes in front of other men and
    they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the
    offer is really good, he goes home with some guy
    and makes love with him for money. "

    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement,
    hurriedly set the other children to work on some
    other work while she took little David aside to ask him,
    "Is that really true about your father?"

    "No," said David, "He works for the Democratic
    National Committee to elect John Kerry, but I
    was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids..."

  6. #126
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    3 Van Hagar fans

    Three Van Hagar fans & a DLR fan are put before a firing squad.
    You all have one wish before your shot! They are told,
    The first Van Hagar stands up and says “I wanna hear the whole of 5150 at full volume before I die”
    The second Van Hagar stands up and says “I wanna hear the whole of OU812 at full volume before I die”
    The third Van Hagar stands up and says “I wanna hear the whole of For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge at full volume before I die”
    The Dave Lee Roth fan stands up and says “ I wanna be shot first”

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    joke or not?

  16. #136
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    Hahahaa some real funny pictures
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  17. #137
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    SWEET SECRET'S DIRTY JOKE:

    Cinderella is a whore. She is totally screwing like every guy in the village.

    Her fairy god mother is continuously telling her to quit being so promiscuous, but Cinderalla simply fails to do as her fairy god mother says. Instead, she just keeps screwing every man in the village.

    Finally, one day, the fairy god mother floats down to warn Cinderalla for the last time that she must stop this! She says, "You are suppossed to be a humble and innocent girl awaiting her prince, not some slut who deliberately bends over so that everyone can see what floors and whose floors she's scrubbing!"

    Once again, however, Cinderella refuses to deny her sexual addictions. This time, the fairy god mother floats down to her and says, "All right! That's it!" Then, with the wave of her wand, she turns Cinderella's pussy into a pumpkin!

    Following the new vegtebalized sex change, Cinderalla was so depressed. She was the epitomy of "sexually frustrated"! She couldn't even get herself off because she didn't even know where to start! Her pussy was just this big orange pumpkin!

    She moped around the village for months, sadly having to turn down the local townsmen's offers.

    The fairy god mother was so happy! Finally she was starting to straighten Cinderalla out!

    Well everything seemed to be working out perfectly as the fairy god mother planned....until....

    she floated down one day to visit Cinderalla, and Cinderalla was acting very giddy and smiley. The fairy god mother hadn't seen Cinderalla act that way since before her pussy had been transformed into a pumpkin.

    The fairy god mother asked, "Why on earth could you be so happy all of a sudden? I mean, you have a pumpkin for a pussy!"

    Cinderalla replied, "Oh!! It is just so wonderful! I met this really great guy! His name is Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater!"
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  18. #138
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    Neutron: I lost an electron.

    Detective: Are you sure?

    Neutron: I'm positive.
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  19. #139
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    Originally posted by SweetSecrets
    SWEET SECRET'S DIRTY JOKE:

    Cinderella is a whore. She is totally screwing like every guy in the village.

    Her fairy god mother is continuously telling her to quit being so promiscuous, but Cinderalla simply fails to do as her fairy god mother says. Instead, she just keeps screwing every man in the village.

    Finally, one day, the fairy god mother floats down to warn Cinderalla for the last time that she must stop this! She says, "You are suppossed to be a humble and innocent girl awaiting her prince, not some slut who deliberately bends over so that everyone can see what floors and whose floors she's scrubbing!"

    Once again, however, Cinderella refuses to deny her sexual addictions. This time, the fairy god mother floats down to her and says, "All right! That's it!" Then, with the wave of her wand, she turns Cinderella's pussy into a pumpkin!

    Following the new vegtebalized sex change, Cinderalla was so depressed. She was the epitomy of "sexually frustrated"! She couldn't even get herself off because she didn't even know where to start! Her pussy was just this big orange pumpkin!

    She moped around the village for months, sadly having to turn down the local townsmen's offers.

    The fairy god mother was so happy! Finally she was starting to straighten Cinderalla out!

    Well everything seemed to be working out perfectly as the fairy god mother planned....until....

    she floated down one day to visit Cinderalla, and Cinderalla was acting very giddy and smiley. The fairy god mother hadn't seen Cinderalla act that way since before her pussy had been transformed into a pumpkin.

    The fairy god mother asked, "Why on earth could you be so happy all of a sudden? I mean, you have a pumpkin for a pussy!"

    Cinderalla replied, "Oh!! It is just so wonderful! I met this really great guy! His name is Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater!"
    What a relationship !!!

    Perfect, If I recall the other rythme, wasnt it,

    Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater,
    Had a wife but couldnt eat her ?

    Sounds like win-win all around to me
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  20. #140
    lms2
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    Okay, its not a nursery rhyme, but its the best I could find...

    Roses are red,
    Violets are corny,
    When i think of you
    I get horny,
    Eat me,
    Beat me,
    Bite me,
    Blow me,
    Suck me,
    Fuck me,
    Very slowly,
    when you kiss me,
    dont be sassy,
    Use your tongue and make it nasty!!
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  21. #141
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    A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
    sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
    of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
    entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
    incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman
    who sat calmly in his pew without moving. Satan walked up to the man
    and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
    "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the
    man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
    "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
    "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
    eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still
    not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little
    perturbed, Satan asked, "Wh! y aren't you afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
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  22. #142
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    Blonde enters a store that sell curtains.
    She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair
    of pink curtains".

    The salesman assured her that they had a large
    selection of pink curtains. He showed her several
    patterns, but the blond seemed to be having a hard
    time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink
    floral print.
    The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.
    The blond replies "fifteen inches."
    "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds
    very small, what room are they for?"
    The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they
    are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman
    replies, "but, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"

    The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo........ I've got
    Windows!!!"

  23. #143
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    Subject: Misunderstanding -
    >A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over
    >
    >his mouth. A young nurse appears to wash his hands and feet.
    >
    >"Nurse...", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
    >
    >Embarrassed, the young nurse replies: "I don't know, I'm only here to wash
    >your hands and feet."
    >
    >He struggles again and asks the nurse again:"are my testicles black?"
    >Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one
    >hand and his testicles in the other, takes a close look and says there's
    >nothing wrong with them.....
    >"Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies: "That was very nice
    >what you just did......but please...... for the last time......
    >
    >Are-my-test-results-back ! ! ! ?"

  24. #144
    lms2
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    Following a particulary stressful morning routine, a young man and his beautiful wife finally found a moments peace on the elevator when leaving for work. The young man looks into his wife's eyes, and smiles sweetly. TGIF. The wife just glares at him. SHIT. Awww honey, lighten up, TGIF, he says, smiling again. No, SHIT, she insists. He says, but honey, Thank God Its Friday! No, she insists, Sorry Honey, Its Thursday.

    Ever have one of them days?

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    Originally posted by lms2
    Following a particulary stressful morning routine, a young man and his beautiful wife finally found a moments peace on the elevator when leaving for work. The young man looks into his wife's eyes, and smiles sweetly. TGIF. The wife just glares at him. SHIT. Awww honey, lighten up, TGIF, he says, smiling again. No, SHIT, she insists. He says, but honey, Thank God Its Friday! No, she insists, Sorry Honey, Its Thursday.

    Ever have one of them days?
    i'm gonna copy this and put it on my computer at work this is a good one

  26. #146
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    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

    "Yes I do" she replies.

    The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

    "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years'?"

    "I remember that too" she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said....."I would have gotten out today."

  27. #147
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    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

  28. #148
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    There was three nuns who died and went to purgatory(between heaven and hell). Then ST. Peter went up to them and said, "before any of you can enter heaven you must answer one question".

    So ST. Peter went to the first nun and asked, "how long did it take for God to create the world?" the nun replied, "seven days". So there was bells ringing and fireworks, and ST. Peter said, "you may now enter heaven".

    Then ST. Peter ask the second nun, "who were the first man and woman"? the nun replied, "Adam & Eve". so there was bells ringing and fireworks, and ST. Peter said, "you may now enter heaven".

    Then he asked the third nun, "what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" and the nun said, "oh my that's really hard", then there was bells ringing and fireworks

  29. #149
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    The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

  30. #150
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    Why do men pee standing up?


    God was just about done creating man, but he had two
    things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

    "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was
    wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

    Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It
    seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went
    like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

    Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over
    the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote
    his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he
    could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with
    delight all the while.

    God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck
    with the last thing I have left.

    "What's it called?" asked Eve.

    "Brains", said God.

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  31. #151
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    Originally posted by DrGrafenberg
    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"
    LOL..

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    Stevie Wonder has just finished a sell-out concert in Japan and after the applause has died down he asks the crowd if there's anything they'd like him to play.

    This little Japanese man at the front is jumping up and down, shouting
    and waving his arms like a madman and Stevie asks him what he'd like him to play.

    The little Japanese man shouts "Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord"
    so Stevie belts out a 2 minute solo in F minor on his piano and the crowd are in raptures.

    "No, No" he shouts "play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A little
    bit bemused Stevie does a 3 minute impromptu in A major and gets the crowd rocking.

    The little fella shouts "No, No, I want you to play a jazz chord".

    Stevie gives in and says "how does that go then?" To which he
    replies.....

    (Wait for it)









    (in your best Japanese accent)

    "A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"
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  33. #153
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    things you would like to say at work... or other places.

    1. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.
    2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
    3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
    4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
    5. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
    6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
    7. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
    8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
    9. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
    10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
    11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
    12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
    13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
    14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
    15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

  34. #154
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    You might be addicted to the internet if...

    You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.


    Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.


    Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.


    You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.


    You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"


    Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.


    You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.


    Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.


    All of your friends have an @ in their names.


    When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.


    Your dog has its own home page.


    You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.


    You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.


    Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.


    You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.


    You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.


    Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months


    You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.


    You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.


    You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.


    Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."


    You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."


    You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.


    The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.


    You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.


    Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.


    As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

  35. #155
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    It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

    The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

    St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

    He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

    St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

    "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

    "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

  36. #156
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    Originally posted by lms2
    things you would like to say at work... or other places.

    1. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.
    2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
    3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
    4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
    5. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
    6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
    7. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
    8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
    9. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
    10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
    11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
    12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
    13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
    14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
    15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
    awesome, lms, funny shit!

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    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

  38. #158
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    What do you do after raping a blind, deaf, and dumb girl?

    Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

    (all apologies to the threads that inspired it)
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    How fights are started..

  40. #160
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    The Tong Master


    The Tong-Master Steve was at the barbecue and Joel was at the barbecue and I was at the barbecue; three men standing around a barbecue, sipping beer, staring at sausages, rolling them backwards and forwards, never leaving them alone. We didn't know why we were at the barbecue; we were just drawn there like moths to a flame. The barbecue was a powerful gravitational force, a man-magnet.

    Joel said the thin ones could use a turn, I said yeah I reckon the thin ones could use a turn, Steve said yeah they really need a turn it was a unanimous turning decision. Steve was the Tong-Master, a true artist, he gave a couple of practice snaps of his long silver tongs, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of his wrist, rolling them onto their little backs. A lesser tong-man would've flicked too hard; the sausages would've gone full circle, back to where they started. Nice, I said. The others went yeah.

    Kevin was passing us, he heard the siren-song- sizzle of the snags, the barbecue was calling, beckoning, Kevinnnnn ...come. He stuck his head in and said any room? We said yeah and began the barbecue shuffle; Steve shuffled to the left, Joel shuffled to the left, I shuffled to the left, Kevin slipped in beside me, we sipped our beer. Now there were four of us staring at sausages, and Steve gave me the nod, my cue. I was second-in-command, and I had to take the raw sausages out of the plastic bag and lay them on the barbecue; not too close together, not too far apart, curl them into each other's bodies like lovers -fat ones, thin ones, herbed and continental. The chipolatas were tiny, they could easily slip down between the grill, falling into the molten hot-bead-netherworld below. Carefully I laid them sideways ACROSS the grill, clever thinking. Steve snapped his tongs with approval; there was no greater barbecue honour.

    P.J. came along, he said looking good, looking good -the irresistible lure of the barbecue had pulled him in too. We said yeah and did the shuffle, left, left, left, left, he slipped in beside Kevin, we sipped our beer. Five men,lots of sausages.

    Joel was the Fork-pronger; he had the fork that pronged the tough hides of the Bavarian bratwursts and he showed a lot of promise. Stabbing away eagerly, leaving perfect little vampire holes up and down the casing. P.J. was shaking his head, he said I reckon they cook better if you don't poke them.

    There was a long silence, you could have heard a chipolata drop, and this newcomer was a rabble-rouser, bringing in his crazy ideas from outside. He didn't understand the hierarchy; first the Tong-master, then the Sausage-layer, then the Fork-pronger -and everyone below was just a watcher. Maybe eventually they'll move up the ladder, but for now - don't rock the Weber.

    Dianne popped her head in; hmmm, smells good, she said. She was trying to jostle into the circle; we closed ranks, pulling our heads down and our shoulders in, mumbling yeah yeah yeah, but making no room for her. She was keen, going round to the far side of the barbecue, heading for the only available space . . . the gap in the circle where all the smoke and ashes blew. Nobody could survive the gap; Dianne was going to try. She stood there stubbornly, smoke blinding her eyes, ashes filling her nostrils, sausage fat spattering all over her arms and face. Until she couldn't take it anymore, she gave up, backed off. Kevin waited till she was gone and sipped his beer. We sipped our beer, yeah.

    Steve handed me his tongs. I looked at him and he nodded. I knew what was happening, I'd waited a long time for this moment - the abdication. The tongs weighed heavy in my hands, firm in my grip. Was I ready for the responsibility?

    Yes, I was. I held them up high and they glinted in the sun. Don't forget to turn the thin ones Steve said as he walked away from the barbecue, disappearing toward the house. Yeah I called back, I will, I will. I snapped them twice,

    SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with an elegant flick of my wrist, rolling them back onto their little bellies. I was a natural, I was the TONG-MASTER.

    But only until Steve got back from the toilet.

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