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Thread: Joke thread

  1. #161
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    A boy
    was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
    "What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

    A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

    "What happened?", he asked.

    "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and they beat the crap out of me!"

    "Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"

    "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"

    "Oh!" replied the grandad. "The SS."
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  2. #162
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    Secret for longevity
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  3. #163
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    This could well be the joke of the year..........
    A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a
    bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
    Mama answered, "Not yet."
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  4. #164
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    A little boy and girl are standing in the school yard.....

    Boy: I've got 5 lollies
    Girl: Oh yeah?, I've got 6 lollies
    Boy: Well, I've got 25 cents
    Girl: So, I've got 50 cents
    Boy: (drops pants) Well I've got one of THESE!
    Girl: (drops pants) So what, I've got one of THESE, and with one of THESE I can get as many of THOSE as I want!

  5. #165
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    A gay couple are having problems in their relationship
    the one turns to the other and says Tell me Bob what can i do to make things better he ask's. well says bob if you had more hair on your chest that would be a start. so off trots christopher to his friends house and relates the story . in which he says if you take Wesson Oil and rub a little on your chest for three days you will start to grow hair.
    excited and eager to please his lover he puts the oil on . upon the third night bob says to Christopher what the hell is up with all this oil .frantic christopher says i was told if i used oil on my chest i would sprout hair within three days. Bob then laughs and says, if that was so you would have a Pony tail growing out your ass by now.

  6. #166
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    A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
    A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass."
    The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.
    He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
    "You know what to do."
    Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says,
    "You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
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    My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get
    married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.
    My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.
    That one thing was her younger sister.

    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
    miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near
    me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

    It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
    One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding
    invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

    She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feeling and
    desires for me. That she could not overcome and did not really want to
    overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before
    I got married and committed my life to her sister.

    I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going
    upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up
    and get me."

    I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
    When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down
    the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight
    to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and
    walked straight toward my car.

    My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
    hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
    We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

    The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

  8. #168
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    EULOGY



    She married and had 11 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Again, her husband died. And alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."



    One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"



    The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
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  9. #169
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    The Human Mind

    Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it.



    I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

  10. #170
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    A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
    The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a
    small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to
    tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
    Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the
    course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and
    the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young
    looking and vibrant.

    After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon
    with two problems: All these years, everything has been
    working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many
    times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two
    annoying problems:

    First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and
    the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at
    her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
    your breasts."

    She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking
    about the goatee."

  11. #171
    Thanks forthe dream.- DLR
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    Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

    "Becky my darling," he whispered.

    "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

    He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

    "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."

    "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

    "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "shhhh...just let the poison work."
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  12. #172
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    A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner
    with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to
    her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
    for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
    before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
    pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything
    there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist
    asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a
    family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells
    the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist,
    with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather
    busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at
    the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so
    excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and
    is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The
    boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and
    the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes
    and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his
    head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the
    boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and
    whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"

  13. #173
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    Warning: Don't Step on the Ducks!


    Three women die together in an accident
    and go to heaven.
    When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
    heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
    So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
    place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
    they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps
    on one.
    Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
    St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping
    on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
    The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along
    comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another
    extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment
    as for the first woman.
    The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
    for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she
    steps.
    She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
    St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid
    eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



    St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
    The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
    you for all of eternity?"

    The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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  14. #174
    lms2
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    The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
    "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

    "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

    "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

    "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

    "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

    "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

    "Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

    "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

    "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

    "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

    "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

    "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

    "Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

    "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

  15. #175
    Thanks forthe dream.- DLR
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    Awesome!

  16. #176
    Thanks forthe dream.- DLR
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    I saw this at another site and thought it was cute:

    You know you are addicted to the internet when:

    1. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

    2. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

    3. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

    4. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

    5. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

    6. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

    7. Your cat has its own homepage.

    8. You beg your friends to get an AOL account so you can all "hang out."

    9. You have your screen name as your license plate.

    10. You actually invite large groups of people to your house and have internet parties.

    11. You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.

    12. You get up in the morning and check your email before going to the bathroom.

    13. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.

    14. You’re on the phone and say "BRB".

    15. Instead of forplay, you ask your spouse if she/he wants to skip the small talk and cyber.

    16. You have internet in your bathroom.

    18. You get depressed when you check your email and dont have any.

    17. You name your dog DotCom.

  17. #177
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    DG,

    Honey, your PM inbox is full. I can't reply.

  18. #178
    Thanks forthe dream.- DLR
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    Originally posted by MAX
    DG,

    Honey, your PM inbox is full. I can't reply.
    OK, Maximus, my box is ready for you.

  19. #179
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    Originally posted by diamondsgirl
    OK, Maximus, my box is ready for you.
    I already came and went!!!! LOL!!! :p

  20. #180
    Thanks forthe dream.- DLR
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    Originally posted by MAX
    I already came and went!!!! LOL!!! :p
    was it good for you?

  21. #181
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    Originally posted by diamondsgirl
    was it good for you?
    Oh, it's getting there.......

    Batter's Up!!!!!!

  22. #182
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    A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

    "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

    Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, John started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

    "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

    "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

    "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied,

    "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

  23. #183
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    After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife "What the hell happened?".

    "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

    "Well piss on him," answered the husband.

    "Actually you did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

    "Well, fuck him," said the husband.

    "I did, and now you go back to work in the morning."

  24. #184
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    A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,
    "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

    The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

    Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

    She says, "I want the house."

    Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too."

    The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account & all the credit cards."

    The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

    The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

    She asks, "What's that?"

    The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 100 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

  25. #185
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    Seeing as he was the master of jokes...

    I get no respect ...

    - A tribute to Rodney . (RIP)

    I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'"

    "When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."

    "When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."

    "Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?'"

    "When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."

    "I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."

    "When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

    "When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names — hers and her mother's."

    "With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."

    "With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."
    .
    .
    .

    The guy cracked me up

  26. #186
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    A young man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his
    grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only
    a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

    "Grandpa, what are you doing? You're weenie is out in
    the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

    The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

    "Grandpa! What are you doing sitting out here with
    nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

    The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last
    week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
    This is your grandma's idea.."

  27. #187
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    A little boy goes up to his father and asks: 'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?'

    The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.'

    The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?' The mother replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

    The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.'

    The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

    He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.'

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    More Rodney Dangerfield - RIP

    1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy I'd have had nothing to play with.

    2. My girlfriend always wants to talk to me during sex. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

    3. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy: "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said: "Because you came home early."

    4. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

    5. I was such an ugly kid ... when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

    6. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

    7. I was an ugly baby ... my mother never breast fed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend.

    8. I'm so ugly ... my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

    9. When I was born the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father: "I'm sorry. We did everything we could but he pulled through."

    10. I'm so ugly ... my mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born.

    11. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

    12. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said: "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said: "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

    13. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

    14. I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

    15. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

    16. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

    17. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him: "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

    18. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

    19. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

    20. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap - he was in the electric chair.

    21. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!

  29. #189
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    Two blondes are out stargazing when the first one asks "Which do you think is farther - the moon or florida?"
    "Duh!" says the other "you can't even SEE florida from here!"
    Hey Jackass! You need to [Register] or log in to view signatures on ROTHARMY.COM!

  30. #190
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    A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

    "Dear Ricky,
    I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it 's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
    Love, Becky"

    The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
    snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc.

    In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

    "Dear Becky,
    I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
    Take care, Ricky"
    Last edited by sambo; 10-10-2004 at 11:02 PM.

  31. #191
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    My missus used to complain about mowing the lawn in the summer heat, so I bought her a Ride-On mower..

  32. #192
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    Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

    It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

    When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

    "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

    I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

    "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.

    That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."


    "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

    "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

  33. #193
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    Here's a joke..

  34. #194
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    DICTIONARY
    FOR WOMEN'S
    PERSONAL ADS:



    40-ish..........................................49
    Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone
    Athletic......................................No tits
    Average looking..................................Ugly
    Beautiful.........................Pathological liar
    Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
    Emotionally Secure......................On medication
    Feminist.........................................F at
    Free spirit....................................Junkie
    Friendship first..........................Former slut
    Fun..........................................Annoy ing
    New-Age.................Body hair in the wrong places
    Old-fashioned...............................No B.J.'s
    Open-minded.................................Desperate
    Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
    Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
    Professional...................................Bit ch
    Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
    Large frame................................Hugely Fat
    Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker


    WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

    1. Yes = No
    2. No = Yes
    3. Maybe = No
    4. We need = I want..
    5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
    6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
    7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
    8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
    9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
    10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
    about?


    MEN'S ENGLISH:

    1. I am hungry = I am hungry
    2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
    3. I am tired = I am tired
    4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage
    5. I love you = Let's have sex now
    6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
    7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
    8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
    9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
    10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
    11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

  35. #195
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    A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "this is the pig I've been shagging".

    His wife said "that's not a pig it's a duck!"

    Man says "I was talking to the duck!"

  36. #196
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    Originally posted by sambo
    A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "this is the pig I've been shagging".

    His wife said "that's not a pig it's a duck!"

    Man says "I was talking to the duck!"
    LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  37. #197
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    Originally posted by sambo
    A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "this is the pig I've been shagging".

    His wife said "that's not a pig it's a duck!"

    Man says "I was talking to the duck!"
    Just spit my coffee all over my desk!!! LMAO!


  38. #198
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    A blonde calls her boyfriend one day and says "hey, I need you to come over right away. I am having a very tough time with my new jigsaw puzzle." The boyfriend says " well whats the problem, and what is the puzzle of? The blonde says " its a puzzle of a tiger, and its very hard, I dont know where to begin!. So the boyfriend goes over to her house, the blonde takes him to the table where the puzzle is laid out. The boyfriend takes a look at the puzzle and says " honey, first off, I dont think we will ever be able to make this look like a tiger". Second, go make yourself a cup of coffee and relax a while, when your through, we can put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!
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  39. #199
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    Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens the floor to questions. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy," he says. "And what is your question, Billy?"


    "I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.


    When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name "Steve, he says" "And what is your question, Steve?"


    "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the hell happened to Billy ?
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  40. #200
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    Originally posted by diamondsgirl
    DICTIONARY
    FOR WOMEN'S
    PERSONAL ADS:



    40-ish..........................................49
    Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone
    Athletic......................................No tits
    Average looking..................................Ugly
    Beautiful.........................Pathological liar
    Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
    Emotionally Secure......................On medication
    Feminist.........................................F at
    Free spirit....................................Junkie
    Friendship first..........................Former slut
    Fun..........................................Annoy ing
    New-Age.................Body hair in the wrong places
    Old-fashioned...............................No B.J.'s
    Open-minded.................................Desperate
    Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
    Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
    Professional...................................Bit ch
    Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
    Large frame................................Hugely Fat
    Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker


    WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

    1. Yes = No
    2. No = Yes
    3. Maybe = No
    4. We need = I want..
    5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
    6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
    7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
    8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
    9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
    10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
    about?


    MEN'S ENGLISH:

    1. I am hungry = I am hungry
    2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
    3. I am tired = I am tired
    4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage
    5. I love you = Let's have sex now
    6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
    7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
    8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
    9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
    10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
    11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
    So thats what She ment When she told me that she is a Old-fashioned
    Athletic type Professional who is Emotionally Secure.

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