Joke thread

[Phil theStalker]

Originally posted by Jurak
THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL (c)
> >
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened
to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

> > "We're down here."

So men's brains are in their asses.

At leest wee have them (brains).

I've always said mmy high skool girlfrend had o1ne brain cell.

I didn't think anyo1ne else thought like dat.




JANE'S ONE BRAIN CELL COMTEMPLATES TREASON

[Jurak]

Dear Diary
>
>Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so
>beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them
>with snow covering them.
>
>Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have
>turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the
>beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly
>they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love
>it here!
>
>Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone
>wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it
>here!
>
>Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with
>white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off
>the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When
>the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a
>beautiful place. I love Canada!
>
>Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the
>driveway. I love it here.
>
>Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to
>work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow
>plough.
>
>Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my
>hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around
>the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.
>
>Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my
>hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the
>bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the
>fucking ice.
>
>Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except
>for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every
>time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and
>it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of
>the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches
>is?
>
>Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit
>this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got
>stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my
>shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out
>all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one
>over his fucking head.
>
>Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food
>and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000
>damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. The bastards are
>everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.
>
>May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is
>rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.
>
>May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind
>would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!

[Anonymous]

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! That's a classic, Jurak. 5 stars for you!

Cheers! :bottle:

[Phil theStalker]

Originally posted by Imapus Sylicker
Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! That's a classic, Jurak. 5 stars for you!

Cheers! :bottle:

Hey, you live in Portugal, Einstein.

Wot's so funny?

You had tit at your finger tips, butt you lost all the New World.

Now tit belongs t2o rednecks and Canadians laughing all da way t2o da fakking world bank.




<marquee direction=left>

[Anonymous]

Yes, I'm Portuguese... but do you think I give a fuck? I could've been born in Japan, Australia, Morocco... it's all the same to me, Phil.

Cheers! :bottle:

[Anonymous]

Little Johnny watched closely as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," replied his mother, who then began removing the cold cream with a tissue. "What's the matter, Mom?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

While I usually don't dessiminate puns here, today's second joke just struck me in exactly the right way. Besides, with the College of Cardinals set to meet next week, this is about as topical as I get!

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine’s air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches. Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy. No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

Cheers! :bottle:

[SoldMySoul4RnR]

What do Princess Di & Pink Floyd have in common????

Both had a big hit with the FUCKING WALL!!!

Just a joke...just a joke.

[SoldMySoul4RnR]

Anyone hear....KD Land died this morning???

They found her face down in Melissa Etherage.

[Anonymous]

After a month on the road, the traveling salesman was bored and homesick. Finally, he headed for the local brothel, approached the madam and handed her a hundred dollars. "I want the worst blowjob in town." She replied, "Buddy, for a hundred dollars, you can have the best blowjob in town." The salesman replied, "No, no. You don't understand. I'm not horny... I'm homesick!"

When his wife came home with a spectacular diamond ring, her husband asked her, "Where did you get the ring?" She replied, "Well, my boss and I always buy a Lotto ticket and this time, we won. I bought it with my share of our winnings." A month later, she came home with a luxurious fur coat. "Where did you get the coat?" "Oh, remember how my boss and I play Lotto? We won again. I bought it with my share of our winnings." A month later, his wife came home driving a new Ferrari. "Where did you get the car?" "Oh, we hit it big this week!" That night, as they were undressing for bed, she said, "Honey, would you draw me a nice warm bath?" He agreed, but when she returned to the bathroom, there was barely an inch of water in the tub. "What's this?" she asked. "Well," he replied, "we don't want to get your Lotto ticket wet, do we?"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Bob_R]

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

[Anonymous]

"Granny, have you seen the two pink pills I left by the sink?" "No, no pills, but I do see blue dragons and yellow elephants!"

"Why's that guy hanging around outside our restroom?" asked one pharmacist to the other. The second replied, "Oh, he came in with a prescription for cough syrup. We're all out, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." "What?! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The other replied, "Sure you can! Look at him. He's too scared to cough!"

Cheers! :bottle:

[Hardrock69]

Q: What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

A: A picture of Jesus only requires one nail....

[Bob_R]

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.

He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be
a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both
did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water
cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely
hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some
water to take an aspirin.

The executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this
before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."

[Bob_R]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that
said, "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them
and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that
time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls
asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little
different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies
of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following
day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around
with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to
catch up with them when he noticed the new sign that now read, "TWO ANGELS
SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

[Bob_R]

Two Newfoundlanders went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and
went to sleep. Some hours later, Lloyd awoke and nudged his faithful
friend awake. "Bryce, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Bryce
replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell
you?"
Lloyd questioned.


Bryce pondered for a minute: "Astronomically, it tells me

that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the
time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see
that
God is all-powerful and that we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow".

"Is that all?" Lloyd asked. "Yes." Bryce replied. "Why, am I
missing something?"

Lloyd was quiet for a moment, then spoke softly: "Bryce,
you dickhead.

Someone has stolen the fucking tent!"

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Mr Vandenbrouke is a 50-year-old Belgian party animal, the most usual guest of a very popular strip-tease cabaret in Brussels. His wife is fed up with wondering what happens almost every night when he comes home late, so she told her husband that tonight she'll be coming along. Although very startled, Mr Vandenbrouke says "All right. Come along, let's have fun".

They take a taxi, stop in front of the cabaret (Vandenbrouke couldn't help going there), and at the door, the groom says: "Good evening, Mr Vandenbrouke, how are you tonight?" Coming in, his wife asks: "You've been here before, haven't you?" He replies: "Oh, just once, some time ago. You know, it's the guy's job to remember guests, even those who rarely come."
Once in the cabaret, a sexy waitress comes to them, grinning, saying: "Oh, good evening Mr Vandenbrouke, how are you tonight? Same table as usual?" His wife throws him a mean look while asking: "Do you still think I can believe you don't come here very often? How shameful!" They get to that effectively Mr Vandenbrouke's usual table. When it comes to order drinks, the waitress says: "The usual champagne, I suppose, Mr Vandenbrouke..." Mrs V. goes nuts. She's about to argue like mad when they open the curtains on the stage. A gorgeous strip-teaser appears and starts her show, while Mrs Vandenbrouke is giving her husband a bloody earful...
Then comes the high point of the show. The speaker asks: "And now, who's going to take the sweet young lady's G-string off?" All the people go "Vandenbrouke! Vandenbrouke! Vandenbrouke!..."
Mrs Vandenbrouke suddenly stands up, nearly running to the exit, followed by her husband. She's really gone nuts. They call a taxi, and on their way back home, she keeps yelling insults at him, really wild. When the taxi stops, the driver says:
"Mr Vandenbrouke, you've taken many, many whores away with you. But never that coarse!"

[eddieisking]

Four guys went golfing.
One was up at the clubhouse paying for their golf games, and the other three were standing around discussing how successful their sons were.
The first guy said, "My son is a successful Doctor.. In fact, he's so successful, that he bought his best friend a condo worth a half a million dollars!!" They all ageed that was pretty successful.
Guy number two said, "Well, MY son, is a successful stock broker.. in fact, he's so successful, that he bought HIS best friend a million dollars worth of stock!!" They all agreed that was pretty successful.
Guy number three said, "Well, MY son, is a successful car dealer, that only deals in expensive cars.. in fact, he's so successful, that he bought HIS bestfriend a one of a kind ferrari worth $500,000!" They all agreed that was pretty successful.
At that time, the fourth guy came back, and asked what they were talking about, and they explained they were discussing how successful thier sons were.
"What does YOUR son do??" on of the others asked..
"Well MY son is a gay stripper.... I don't know just HOW successful he is, but he must be good!! His last three boyfriends bought him a condo, a million dollars worth of stock, and a new ferrari"!!!

[eddieisking]

A woman decided, that for her husbands birthday, she was going to take him to a strip club.
When they start inside the club, the bouncer says, "Good evening, Dave!" and the wife, looks sharply at her husband, and says, "How does the bouncer know your name?? Have you been to this strip club before??" and Dave says, "Oh no,no, honey!! He's on my bowling team, and he knows me!"
This answer satisfy's his wife, and they go in.
As soon as they sat down, a hot looking waitress comes up, and says," Hi Dave!! Your usual Budweiser long neck?" Dave says "Sure!" and the wife says, "Now how does she know what you drink?? You HAVE been here before, haven't you??" Dave says, "No honey... she works part time at the bowling alley, as a cocktail waitress, so of course she knows what I drink!" The wife is just a little suspicious.
But then, an almost naked girl comes up and says, "Dave!! Sweetie!! Your usual lap dance tonight??" The wife gets really pissed, and storms out in a huff..followed by her replying husband, "Honey, I SWEAR she must have me confused with someone else!!"
The wife is no longer paying attention to him, and hails a cab and as she gets in, Dave is right behind her, saying, "Honey, I swear, I..." The wife cuts him off, yelling and screaming at him, when the cab driver turns around with a grin and says, "Looks like you picked you up a real BITCH tonight, eh Dave??"

[eddieisking]

here's one that is self explanitory...

[eddieisking]

and another

[eddieisking]

one more!

[Bob_R]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

[Bob_R]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and then taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[larbo]

why dont shark's eat negro's? cause they think they're a whale turd!

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Talks are all about an incredible piano player. He plays in a bar, pretty well, but there's another reason why he's such an attraction, providing that bar with such big audiences the owner would never have dreamt of: the wizard is 15-inch tall...
Tonight, a dozen journalists are here to ask him a few questions. After his recital, he now takes part in the first interview.

Interviewer: "How come you be so little?"

Piano player: "Well, one day, as I was strolling in the desert, when I saw something stick out of the sand. I got closer, and realized it was the pourer of an ancient oriental oil lamp. I rubbed it to admire the marvellous craftsman's work, when a genie slipped out through the pourer. No kidding! He told me I had only one wish to ask.
I thought over it for a minute, and told him I wanted my dick to become a 15-inch penis.
But that bloody asshole surely was deaf as a post: as you can see, he turned me into a 15-inch pianist!"

[Bob_R]

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to
his wife (Pat). Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

...His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director?"

[Three Lock Rock]

i've got a joke!

its david lee roth!

and you fags think it's seriousness! hahahaha!!! your all gay!

[Bob_R]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
huge black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Whew, Thank God! I thought you
said 'Turn around!"

[Bob_R]

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The
salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11." The
guy says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe." The salesman brings them, the guy
stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in
pain. He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my
mother-in-law, my wife is screwing my best friend and my daughter is pregnant.
The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these fucking shoes"

[Bob_R]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came

[Bob_R]

Creation Story

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and
populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green
and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would
live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice
Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate
with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as
you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And
Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the
figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour
from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green
salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery
croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive
oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish
and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man
gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and
named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so
Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained
pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced
the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained
pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its
99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries
with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And
Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.

Thought for the day ..... There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
do with them.

[Bob_R]

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean,
you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left
the room, and returned a few moments later with a
black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the
dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and
returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly
and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%
certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit
a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell
me my duck is dead!!

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.

[Anonymous]

It's a scientific fact: five out of three people have trouble with fractions!

A teacher was trying to teach her classes proper manners. She asked, "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you needed to go to the bathroom?" Michael thought a moment and said, "I'd say, 'Just a minute. I gotta p¡ss!'" "No, Michael. That would be impolite! Eddie, how would you say it?" Eddie replied, "I'm sorry, but I really need to go pee." "No, that's better, but still impolite. Little David, what would you say?" "I'd say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for just a moment? I must go shake hands with a dear friend. And, after dinner, I hope you get to meet him!'"

Cheers! :bottle:

[rustoffa]

A small Pennsylvania Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of
gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became
very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian
determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of JOE, a
part-time, delusionary, dipshit intern, who was responsible for cleaning the
animal's cages.

JOE, like most delusionary dipshits, had little sense, but possessed ample
ability to molest a female of any species. The park administrator
thought they might have a solution. JOE was approached with
a proposition.

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

JOE showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully.

The following day, JOE announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under the following 3 conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The
park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," JOE said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The
park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

And last of all JOE stated, "You've got to give me another week to
come up with the $500.00."

[Bob_R]

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the psychiatrist, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured," and he refers the man to a Cajun witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this". He throws some powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned: after that, it will not work again for another year!"

The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and eager to surprise his wife. He can't wait to go to bed.


They get in bed and he says, 123", and just like magic, he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

[canadiandlrgirl]

Originally posted by EVH FANATIC
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The
salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11." The
guy says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe." The salesman brings them, the guy
stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in
pain. He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my
mother-in-law, my wife is screwing my best friend and my daughter is pregnant.
The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these fucking shoes"

That's a fucking good one????????

[Bob_R]

Originally posted by canadiandlrgirl
That's a fucking good one????????

Nah, you're right. Not one of the good ones to say the least.

[Jérôme Frenchise]

Now here's a true delirious story...

http://www.darwinawards.com/stupid/

Check out (top of the list) "Lawn Chair Larry". Fucking hilarryous!

[Matt White]

Two gynecologists meet at lunch.
The first one says, "I had a patient this morning with a clit like a dill pickle."
The second one asks, "That big or that green?"
"That sour."

[Jurak]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him.

> The big guys sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis,1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle,...Turner Brown."

> The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 1 pound,my right testicle weighs 1 pound and my name is Turner Brown."The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said turn around."