FOR IMMEDIATE FUCKING RELEASE
JULY 7, 2005
(U.P.I.)Hell, Michigan--Roth World Headquarters
Sarge Checks in With the Army with Private Diaries...
Ever wonder what Sarge has been up to? So have we. I mean, the guy is deep in the bowels of Iraq and not exactly encouraged to give away information about his day to day activities. We thought his current existence would stay a mystery...that was until Bucky Bouregard contacted us.
Bucky and Sarge are in the same unit together and Big BB recently found out about the Roth Army. He decided it would be funny to "share" select portions of a diary Sarge has been keeping. Of course, Sarge has no clue we are going to run this stuff (and Bucky can't believe Sarge was dumb enough to not password protect his diary folder on a very public camp PC). Not sure how long this stuff
will stay up; get it while it is hot! And trust me...you will never look at
Sarge the same way again.
1/20/05
Fuck man..fuck! How many more of these insurgent bitches do we have to patch together. I mean FUCK! Shit bones...shit bones.
Sleep time soon. Grab a little eye and pack it away before da man looks. Awww shit! Sand is hitting the roof again.
1/22/05
More and more howlers clogging up the sky. I would give anything for a little silence. FUCK! not a drill!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is worse than the week in Thailand when I was stuck sleeping next to a brothel full of one-legged whores.
1/23/05
We got slammed last night. Too many hounds hit the pound. They will be back. 13 hours in the OR. 2 bites of an MRE.
We lost Chuck and the guy from South Dakota. Too much blood loss - South had rare juice. No fuel for him to be found. The bodies smell.
Laundry day. Where is that scrub monkey Samir? Been walking around looking like I was dressed in fucking Queer Eye for the Straight Guy after he put my shit in with the whore's shit who snuck in here the other night. Didn't know the hairy bitch left her pink panties in my fucking laundry bag. Camel fucker!!!! Don't care who fuckin sees.
New guy is from Texas. Wonder how close to home?
2/2/05
Blackout is over. Finally we can use the CP again. My time is an hour today. Will check the Army. Hate to go there at times - reminds me that I just want to go home. So I'll hit the porn. Pisses me off they put the CP right in the middle of fucking camp. That's like putting the fucking shitter in the middle of the female bunk...well...maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing. Might be able to get some bitch to lick my asshole clean like I did with that Roth groupie in Vegas. Anyways, Betsy Kohkgobhler, the hot nurse with the big tits, caught me rubbing the old crank to a bit of Aria Giovianni. Funny thing is, she stayed to watch.
Stomach problems. Fuck letting locals help in the kitchen. Know they are shitting in the food. That's okay, I shit on Samir the other day while he was bowing in front of me for the 400th time, saying, White God, White God...I figured this god couldn't wait to take a dump from all this fucking Iraqi shit they been feeding me. Samir took the dumping as a sign. He refuses to wash now.
Sean lost two fingers. Jamz found one. It was on the roof and bugs got to it. Sean goes FedEx. Lucky fuck
Samir stole my underwear again. Fucking sand perv. I think he likes the smell of my shit to much.
2/6/05
That was "Tonsil" without the face. That guy roomed with us back home! Fuck. How many rounds did he take in the face? 20? 30?
I can't eat meat today. Maybe Betsy will...
People at home don't know what blood smells like. This is not like a special effect. Help...I don't want this shit. They will never let us go home. We are prisioners.
2/11/05
Horny man horny. I will bang a sock filled with sand if i have to. No more interest in rubbing it out - you can only fuck so much tissue paper. And the fucking sand is like a thin layer everywhere. Rubbing one off is more or less like stripping of a layer of skin of your dick with a belt sander each time.
2/13/05
Must have jacked 3 times in the last 4 hours. Like milking a goat. After the 12th or 13th time, you get used to the sand paper effect. Fuck though if I didn't have to wipe some bulgur wheat paste on my Johnson so that I could walk. The fucking chaffing burned with every step if I didn't. Christ...the next time we get the Iraqi whores in here, she's going to lick that fucking thing like a piece of FFC (In case some of you didn't know...that's Iraq's most popular restaurant. 'Fallujah Fried Camel.) Bucky said the Camel Anus tasted like chicken. I haven't given it a try yet.
2/15/05
Samir keeps showing up shirtless and covered in sweat. And he wore those fucking PINK PANTIES yesterday. This is FUCKED. I am not fucking gay! But he keeps showing up looking at me. Does he know? Does he fucking know!!!!
Man, I really want a nice platter of pussy.
2/19/05
What do I do now? I hit it with Samir. Corner shower stall - just a quickie. Fuck..FUCK! Now what? What if the guys find out? Felt good to sauce. Won't happen again. It's that bastard's fault...he wore the pink panties.
3/2/05
Don't want to write anymore but the chaplin tells me it well help. Good old chap that Chap. HAHAHAHAHA. Funny.
Had a strange rash on my back; large pimples with thick green junk in them. Some kind of sand fly. Fun to pop. We were betting on the distance. I rapped Bucky in the eye from 50 yards.
Bored. Playing a bit of guitar since I've been down here. The boys are calling me "Eddie," which makes a lot of sense, since I suck ass. I'm up about 1 Million Dinar from playing Texas Hold 'em. Pretty excited to be a millionaire now.
Samir wants to take things to the next level. Yeah...dream on bitch. You are just my sand ass until i find some pussy.
3/17/05
Chap got caught having sex with two guys from the brown army. Those Iraqis really dig white meat. Poor Chap. If they don't ship him I will tell him about my grinder. Judas Priest sing you know.
"I don't like White Meat...I don't like White Meat..."
3/22/05
Too quiet for too long. Some towel ass blew himself up in front of Camp B. Double shifts mopping up. 5 marines dead. Fuck. Many more missing limbs and shit. FUCK.
All those guys, good guys. Most younger than me. So hard to see this but it becomes routine. What will it be like when i go home? Will I ever fit in again. If I don't...I'll just take a trip around the country and wipe out those fucking dickhead webmasters I hired.
4/1/05
Alan Alda was coming to visit but his plane crashed over the sea of Japan. plane spun in. there were no survivors. Christ did we mourn Alan Alda. We heard he was going to perform some Madonna Songs wearing pink panties. Now we'll never see it.
April Fools!
Me am funny. BWAHAHAHAHAH...FUNNY...FUNNY...FUCKING FUNNY!!!
You know who is a funny pimp? Bucky! LOL. The way he pissed of Tom and Tinker with that butter soap ruled man. Butter soap. I mean, where the fuck does that shit come from? Bucky was telling me he made it from the fat of some Iraqi bitch he wacked. I think he was joking.
Sick fuck that Buck.
Cock itches. Hope it is just the heat. Christ...I hope it was just the sand.
4/6/05
Cock is burning up from the inside. I blame fucking Samir - little dirt whore. What the fuck did he have in his mouth? Told me he just bit da lip.
AWWWWW bitch. This better not be what I think it is. I will piss in his ass and make him drink it with a straw.
4/14/05
First comp access all week. Tusken raiders blew more shit up on the perimeter. Grunts got in the box and dusted. But still, we have got to fix all this chatter.
4/15/05
Look
Look
Look
2 days in a row. I am a disciplined member of the armed forces.
Don't ask, don't tell, Iraqi ass, really smells. Ha.
4/19/05
Bucky lost his crown and dental is using a fucking shell as a temp. Not that type of shell - sea-fucking-shell. That's alright. Buck says he likes fucking Finding Nemo. I figured he was thinking of banging that dyke Ellen Degenerous...but WTF, Samir looks better than that gunt.
5/6/05
Send Samir packing. prick fuck. wanted to mount me. fuck that. he is the bitch. Know Jocko wants to bone him out. Good. Done with that stinky pot pie. Need some fresh options. Spam in a can
5/15/05
Bush baby is just full of chowder. Chimp in charge of my life. Great. Thanks for the stop loss - many buddies have to stay; most have kids at home and shit. This all sucks. Asshole couldn't even do a decent job with the Texas Rangers. Follow orders...march march march...just a check, check, check. Serving my country as a target for guys with bombs strapped to their bodies.
Look back and laugh
Laugh laugh
turn your head and laugh
5/21/05
There is pig cream in my hanes. How the fuck did that get there?
SAMIR!!!!!
5/23/05
Under attack yesterday. Flip top or two on the roof raining down. One of our snipes cleaned house. Lasted about 4 hours and that was that.
so much mail from home today. feels good to have stuff. any stuff you know.
camp "nothing to read" feels like my living room.
ohhhh yesss pringles! my precious pringles. little pringles man with hair lip reminds me of Samir.
5/30/05
Fucking a hand full of spit again. Takes time to scrub that shit off. Just
clings like glue when it mixes with the sand.
6/2/05
New grinder.
Hairy back makes me steam hard...fucking hard! Her name is Tonipa. Reminds me a bit of Toniqua from back home. Saw Toniqua's brother the other day in a passing unit. Toniqua's brother looks just like Toniqua. Maybe he'll get shot in the leg soon, just a nick.
6/6/05
New grinder now old news. Would not clean my rim.
Occupy this: my foot up your ass kicking you out the door, but she was fucking bigger than me. And the nipple hair tied together and braided kinda scared me.
6/17/05
Why? Got to talk to the new Chap. Looked like blood in my oatmeal this morning. Didn't taste like blood. Wot wot wot? Stick to snacks from home for a few days. The fucking Iraqi group is back in the kitchen. They season everything with goat, and I think maybe the dead intestines of the old Republican Guard.
Lost to many damn friends here. Pisses me off. I hear we have to stay here to help the Iraqi's. Funny, waiting to have someone help us.
6/18/05
I looooove shaving cream. Loves me back.
Messy bitch
************************************************** *******
in case you are a stupid fuck, if this 'story' bares any resemblence to anyone you know...well...they are fiction based characters. Or as fictional as any of YOU fuckers are when you post. So if they sound like you, dudes, fucking change your life. Oh, and any opinions generated in this story are just that.
Coming SOON! We recently sent out correspondants to talk about their day in the life on a Roth concert day. And yeah motherfuckers, to make sure things were fair, we had a Roth fan goto a Roth Show, and a Hagar fan goto a Hagar show. So we have an unbiased look at each fan's day, and an interesting look INDEED!
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