FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
March 27, 2004
Van Hagar Reunion.. Our Take
"VAN HAGAR Can Eat Our Ass"
(A.P.) Hell, Mich. - Roth Army World Headquarters
The music scene has been buzzing for the past week about a possible, and now confirmed Van Hagar reunion. We have received numerous emails and phone mail and everyone has wanted our take on the subject.
You wanted to know why the mightiest David Lee Roth and Van Halen website on the internet had fallen a deaf ear to this earth shattering news.
Well.. we are about to clue you in on something, and here it is "Van Hagar Can Eat Our ASS"
... plain and simple. Eloquent, but still as bold and brash as a baboons ass.
We have some special news for you. There will not be a Van Halen Reunion. That is because Van Halen is Dave, Eddie, Alex and Mike.
Let's rewind the clock a few days for those of you that live under a rock.
Starting a few months ago, we started hearing rumors about a Van Halen reunion.
Several scenarios surfaced, to include involvement by David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar and everyone else. We heard rumors about a new "Best Of" cd and management details.
Well.. as fans of this groups know good and well.. most rumors are complete bullshit. But, the bullshit became a reality on March 26th, 2004 when the official Van Halen website released tour dates for the summer.
Here is the details: Sammy met with the brothers for the last three month and will release a new "Best Of" CD to include 3 new songs. They will be managed by Irving Azoff and the Promotion/Tour Agent will be the William Morris Agency.
Van Halen updated their long dormant website with a new picture of the band (Van Hagar) of which Hagar looks as portly as ever. Also listed were tour dates to various cities.Howard Stern called the cheese rocker at his house to confirm the rumors yesterday (see MarksFriggin.com) and what entailed was a very weird conversation in which Sammy detailed his alien abduction in 1968. What the fuck?!
Sammy told Howard that they downloaded his brain information and loaded it into his brain, that's why he is who he is.
We here at RothArmy.com think that they downloaded his brain, then forgot to upload that bitch.
Howard played a few old clips of Sammy trashing the brothers and saying he would never work with them again.
Ahh.. whatever.
Enough of that bullshit.
So.. what will the title of the new tour be?
Van Hagar Bore Tour 2004.. The Tour That Nobody Wanted.
The general public does not want Sammy Hagar to front that band.
Don't be fooled into thinking that this is Van Halen reuniting in any fashion.
It's not.
Who will line up to see a Capri shorts and sandal wearing singer front Van Halen on this tour?
Sure.. Van Hagar will have some moderate success.. but will it have the same success that it would have if Dave fronted the band?
No it will not.
Three weak... songs with lyrics that are so potent they couldn't compete with a warm glass of milk, and a tour with Hagar is what the Van Halen's are offering.
Well we here at ROTHARMY.COM are not fuckin' buying. As a matter of fact we are violently opposed and are disgusted at what has become of a band encrusted with diamonds and with more testosterone than a race-horse that hadn't been laid in six months.
To quote my good friend and Roth Army Forums member DickFace McSlapnuts, "Sammy Hagar returning to Van Halen is like poop... returning back into the butthole"!
Well we couldn't have said it better ourselves.
Shit.. let's hear it from Joe Rogan, host of Fear Factor and The Man Show.
"Van Halen has been dead for years.
They had a little hope when there was talk a few years ago about Roth joining them again, but once that died off, they were history for me.
Hagar joining them again just solidifies the shit soup they've become.
They had a perfect fucking combination for a few years, but then they pissed it all away. Thank god we have the old CD's."
Good one Joe.
His comments mirror the public disgust of what has become of Van Halen and the screwing of the fans.
Well I am not going to recap the last 20 years but let me sum it up for you.
Van Hagar...Bette and the Chirellas...Sham and the Horseshit Trio...call them what you will, but what they aren't is Van Halen.
Classic Van Halen was a band that had attitude, aggressive lyrics... Rock and Roll that can't be fucking denied. It was powerful. Van Hagar isn't the band that made you want to throw a TV out the window, pork your neighbors camel-toed wife, then shit on his porch. Van Hagar isn't the band that made you drive down the street at 25 MPH...slow enough so that everyone in the world could hear UNCHAINED blazing at decibel 200. Classic Van Halen was loaded with the shit that rots your teeth and makes you stay up past your bedtime.
What you have now is the "turn the tv on mute so the baby doesn't wake up, have tea and crumpets with your neighbor, and put your car on cruise at 25 so you don't get a ticket" pop band...
Welcome to the 2004...that's right, the coming thunder of the VANHAGAR Bore Tour 2004...where all the dipshits can take their girlfriends, their lighters and their wine coolers...and toast the true end of a rock band. Congrats Sham and Ed, The Dream IS Over...
Some may ask.. well what is the beef that you have with Hagar.
Sammy Hagar has taken every opportunity to take shots at Dave.. verbally.. of course since 1985. And that's all fine and good, we can except whining...but is there any better way to judge what is better? Obviously FatAss knows Roth's version was better, or he'd have shut his pie hole years ago. Here the guy was given the keys to the greatest rock band of all time. And what did he do? He
turned a Corvette into an Omni and he turned Eddie from a rock god into a rock joke. Some call it Van Halen reinventing themselves. Anyone who knows music calls it Van Halen ending in 1985.
I am sick of hearing this fat, old (did I mention that guy is 57 years old, that's right, barely younger than Jim Morrison, who died in 1972 and is still more current than that old fuck) and jealous no talent run his mouth about David Lee Roth.
The smack talk by Hagar culminated to a head on the Roth/Hagar tour in which Sammy took every opportunity to slam Dave that he could. After all, the guy couldn't perform onstage better than Dave, so why not blow some smoke to the press?! With all of this said, the icing on the preverbial cake is FatAsses' constant rambling about how his version of VanHagar has outsold Classic Van Halen by millions. Dude, get your head out of the fucking pork rinds long enough to teach yourself how to count. The sad thing...it's every, single interview.
Sam, you need to thank Dave bro, because without him leaving in 1985, you'd be sitting on some cruise ship somewhere in the Great Lakes, singing Copa Cabana to a bunch of 70 year old lesbians...
It has also been said that Sammy won't be singing any Roth songs on the tour, which is good news for Roth fans. Did anyone here actually like hearing Sammy sing "I got my ass against the record machine". Let me answer that with a resounding "FUCK NO"!!
So there you have it. That is our stance "VAN HAGAR CAN EAT OUR ASSES"
The line has been drawn in the sand.
If you want to know where we will be this summer, it sure as fuck won't be the Van Hagar tour. Our summer will be spent tanning the applesacks and hopefully seeing Dave in as many live performances as can can financially muster.
For those that don't agree with our stance, we don't give a fuck.
If you are a Sammy Hagar fan that was offended by this post, then please go back to your Hagar website (pick up some shampoo, stickers or whatever else Hagar is whoring while you are there).
It is much better suited for your small brain.. and even smaller penis.
In parting I will leave you with a poignant and true quote by none other than the Commander in Chief of Rock 'n Roll, David Lee Roth.
There are a lot of people who make a living off of my name. The only interesting thing about Van Halen, after the music stops, is me.
It's not that I do so much, it's that they do so goddamn little! - DLR 1997
Breasts,
ROTHARMY.COM STAFF
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sam
Fuck Hagar
RIGHT FUCKING ON!!! I TOO WAS FOOLED BY THE UPCOMMING VANHALEN REUNION! I'M GOING TO VEGAS IN AUG. WITH MY BEST FRIEND SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME! IT WAS HER BIRTHDAY PRESENT TO ME SINCE SHE KNEW IM A VAN HALEN WORSHIPPER! WE WERE IN SHOCK TO FIND OUT IT WAS VAN HAGAR- ITS TO LATE TO BACK OUT OF THE TICKETS FINANCIALLY- SO WE ARE GOING TO SPEND CONCERT TIME SEARCHING FOR DIAMOND DAVE ON THE STRIP! HOPE TO SEE YA THERE DAVE!!! 
