By MICHAEL ROVIN
SAN FRANCISCO -- Last week the state legislature set aside a small section in the northern part of San Francisco for the exclusive use of a very special group.
"Aliens will be moving into 'Little Mercury' sometime next year," said a spokesperson for Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. "It's gotten so hot on the first planet that the state is allowing a small colony of Mercurians to relocate to San Francisco.
"I hope my fellow Earthlings will welcome them, and trust that the governor knows what he's doing. He has had experience dealing with movie aliens. Hopefully, the Mercurians will be less predatory."
"Little Mercury" will cover a square mile of the city between Chinatown and Nob Hill and house roughly 2,000 refugees. Despite the governor's concerns, most people seem thrilled with the idea of having the short, red-skinned aliens among them.
"I've seen the blueprints and, if nothing else, the structures will be very unusual," said architect David Swanson. "The buildings will be made of solidified liquid mercury and powered by solar panels. It's very funky-looking."
Little Mercury will also have some amazing stores. For example, at the Fissure, patrons will be able to buy jet-propelled boots and clothes made from heat-reflecting Mercurian metal.
"A cool day on Mercury is about 425 degrees Celsius," said Mercurian spokesalien Septor rotpeS. "As you can imagine, we've developed some very cool and fashionable clothing. An average garment will cost just 200 coins made from that exquisite metal you call 'silver.' "
Mercurian cuisine will be equally unusual.
"I can't wait to go to Merc- Donalds and order Crungis, a blue worm that lives in the soil of Mercury," said Diane Sails. "The Mercurians cook their food with sunlight, which they say energizes the food and makes it healthier. They've brought special magnifiers that will enhance Earth's sunlight to match the stronger levels on Mercury."
Out of gratitude, the Mercurians have offered their highly advanced solar technology to the White House.
"Our panels can extract a large amount of energy from the sun, even at this distance," said rotpeS. "Automobiles equipped with the panels would permanently end Earth's reliance on oil."
A spokesperson for President Bush said he would have to "think about" whether the solar panels are "a good idea."
Published on: 11/08/2005
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