My baby’s on the corner
And she’s lookin’ soo fine
Put one and one together and it blows my mind
A man needs love to live and I’m that living proof
Catch that smile and I hit the roof!
Big double take, but ya keep on walking…I’m In Love!
Here is the answer to all Van Halen’s problems:
Cheryl Tweedy of Girls Aloud
Look at her hold that mike! Oh! She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the ropes in gym class……..Enough of this Dave and Van Halen reunion nonsense! Edward and Co. need to move on from their past and start anew with a new lead singer (that’s right, again!). With the addition of Cheryl it will revitalize and enhance this once great rock band. She can really sing (in more ways than one). Her presence alone will light a fire in Edward to return to his old ripping and roaring ways, circa 1984. I don’t know about you, but I was getting a little tired of all those homosexual overtones on Van Halen 3. Her addition to the lineup will also introduce Van Halen to an entirely new demographic, girls 12-17. It’s the bubblegum pop they want, and baby, that’s what they’re gonna get! Remember, Van Halen has all the flavors to satisfy.
But what really is surprising is the similarity between Cheryl and Dave. Tweedy started off as a U.K. waitress before she made it big on a local Pop Idol contest. Similarly, Diamond Dave was a lowly, late night janitor before he and his band mates in Halen meteorically rose to the top of the rock world. Also, both have had troubles with the law, Cheryl being charged with racially aggravated assault and Dave getting caught purchasing weed in New York. Lastly, they both released a hit single called Jump! So, you can only expect a similar type of performance once the new songs are released. Here are some song titles you should expect:
Angel Eyes, Vibration, You Really Popped Me, Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Commitment, I’m The Woman, Feel Myself Tonight, Whip Creama Feminina, On Top of You
I’m No Good, Grind the Night Away, Somebody Get Me to an Abortion Clinic, C.A.T., Women in Love, Light Up my Clitoris, Under age Girls
Everybody Wants Me, Cheryl’s Delight, I’m Coming! I’m Coming!, Loss of Birth Control, Take Your Engagement Ring Home, Could This be Orgasmic?
Vanity Street, “Home Movies”, Undressed, Saturday Night at the Gold Club, Cheryl’s Secret, Where Have all my Diaphragms Gone?
Jump, Top Jimmy, Hot for Victoria, I’m Late, Girl on Girl, House of Whores
Now, of course we all know the music videos will not be interesting, so lets talk about the musical compositions instead. For Vibration, I think it’s a no brainer, Edward and his striped screw driver, transcending to say the least. For all the rest, you know a revitalized Eddie Van Halen will think of something. More than likely it’ll be a mix of seductive riffs along with a lot of moaning from our lead singer. Unfortunately, this will not sell to today’s pop culture, so they’ll have to tone down many of these soon to be hits with phat beats and creative keyboard work. Oh I almost forgot, some bonus tracks:
Smoking Loon - a tribute to the finest wine available today. This is a track consisting of the ends of both Bottoms Up! and Take Your Whiskey Home, pasted together. Since Edward has no idea how to actually produce a record, he’ll hire Ted Templeman to complete this seemingly simple task.
Nuke the Vault – This telling track starts with a Pink Floyd-esq. “vault unlocking” sound effect. Then it is followed by Tora! Tora! and Special Ed saying BOOM! This signifies the destruction of the Classic Van Halen vault. In the grand scheme of things, this is really irrelevant because all that material wasn’t going to be released anyways. What, were you expecting them to release it? Please.
Wolfgang’s Coda – This track is a disaster from the start. The only thing that shows up on this song is Al’s drums and bits and pieces of Mike’s bass. Wolgang’s lead guitar part is absent from the entire track, thus prematurely ending Wolfgang’s musical career. Good going Dad!
Dave’s Mantra – a collage of all Dave’s classic screams and yelps. I know we all were waiting for this one!
You all might think this is just some crazy rumor that is totally untrue, but let me ask you this. In 1984 did you think Dave would be replaced by Samuel Hagar? No fuckin’ way!
Right after the 1996 VMAs, were you confident Dave would be let go again and replaced by Extreme’s own Gary Cherone? How Many Say I?
Not I!
Moral of the story: Anything’s possible with these 5150’s.
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