There yesterday, here today, gone tomorrow?
Posted by the Asbury Park Press on 03/22/06
He put out an APB.
Ah yes, an all points bulletin to columnists everywhere, soliciting our opinion on today's reality TV "celebritards" (his word, not mine).
I'd get right down to it and divulge what I really think of Jessica Simpson or Nick Lachey, but first . . . I gotta fess up to what I think about "him."
"He" is David Lee Roth, former Van Halen front man/singer now turned morning-radio talk-show host, and the methadone being spoon fed to me to quell my jitters for a Howard Stern fix.
Roth took over for Stern in January and now spews out his slick rhetoric on WFNY 92.3 Free FM in New York and in six other major markets across the country. Stern wisely jackrabbited off to another station for the big bucks when he lost creative control over his show, leaving behind us turtles slow to change.
Oh sure, I miss Howard, and I was all set to plop down my hard-earned cash to buy into Sirius and blindly modulate with him off into satellite-radio outer space. But something (besides an empty wallet and the XM-radio configuration already in my car) said to give Roth a chance.
At first I was less than impressed. I found his fast-talking delivery stiff and contrived, and his interviews boring. Nothing like the flamboyant performer I thought he'd be. But, I stuck with him.
Now, I must confess, Roth in his new skin has kind of grown on me. Like mold on bad cheese. Every day that I listen to him I'm convinced there's something, somewhere within his discourse of infectious blather, that's good for me.
I say that fondly because I hang on to his big words (that he claims he can't spell), clever idioms and bon-mot cliches to extract the relevance of his sharp wit. A shot of verbal penicillin for the chafed gray matter, perhaps.
I was pleasantly surprised to find him worldly, intelligent and sometimes downright entertaining. And, during my half-hour commute each day for the past couple of months, I've heard Roth start to get his groove on.
So, why are his ratings so low?
I guess we're all pegging him as just another good-looking, aging, famous rocker, trying to reinvent himself. A baby-boomer celebritard.
Who would have thought a middle-aged dysfunctional musician from the sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll era still would be so functional.
Then again, there are a few of us who survived the '70s AND the '80s even if we don't remember them. But just knowing that I'd have to kill the boredom of driving up the highway with thousands of other lethargic boneheads without something to stimulate my senses, I figure he'll do for now.
But enough about Roth, his inability to pull in Stern's listeners and my inability to recall the once "Pretty Woman" who used kick up her heels to "Jump" and party all night.
As far as today's celebritards are concerned, well Diamond Dave . . . to be honest, there's so many, I get 'em all mixed up. I mean, heck, I'm well-rounded. I watch the E Channel and read People magazine. But ask me who Joss Stone is, and I'm at a loss for your big words.
Maybe I don't feel compelled to waste my time with Hollywood's young celebritards. I'd rather flash back to a time when someone on top of his game (I can't remember who) gave it up to "Just a gigolo" and "Yankee Rose."
http://www.app.com/apps/pbcs.dll/art...603220359/1065
