A Day in the life of Edward Van Halen

[lztom]

I thought it would be kind of cool if everyone added an entry or two to this and eventually we might get a definitive version of 24 hours in the wild world of Edward Van Halen! I've got the ball rolling below.

We all know Ed's a late riser these days so I figured we might as well begin late afternoon.

4pm Awaken by rolling out of bed into industrial sized ashtray next to it

4.01pm Glass of wine and cigarette

4.02pm Take piss.

4.03pm Leave post it note on toilet reminding himself to lift toilet lid before taking piss


Right, everyone chip in!

[Hardrock69]

4:04 wanders down the hall, trips over his own feet landing face down on the floor

4:04:10 Decides he can't defeat gravity without Smoking Loon and his meth pipe.

4:07 Finally makes it to the nearest refrigerator, grabs a bottle and starts chugging.

4:08 Burps

4:08:10 Farts

4:09 Rips open pack o' Barlmoros and lights one up

[DrMaddVibe]

4:10 finishes 2nd smoke.

4:11 opens another bottle of Smoking Loon.

4:15 finshes the bottle.

[Thorman]

4:16 answers phone to hear DLR begging to be a singer tells him to fuck off

4:17-4;59 receives 42 calls from Roth begging for a chance
5:00 calls police to report a stalker
5:01 CVH reunites and makes kick ass albums like 5150 and FUCK

BAM

[Thorman]

for the next 5 years, like the rest of the world, ignores anything Roth has to say....

BAM

[Thorman]

LZTOM, you are just as gay as Shaun P(Cassidy) and this thread...

CVH=Sam

BAM

[Matt White]

NO No NO.....

4:16 Spits up blood on new carpet....

4:17 scratches himself:eek:

4:25 Needs another pull of the pipe...

7:20 Comes back to life.....

7:21 Shakes Thorman off his leg........

[ALMOSTsaved]

4:16 - Tries to remember who that kick ass band was that originally recorded "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" before he and Hagar covered it live.

[binnie]

4:17. Watches video of himself perfoming with Chesney and kids himself that he can still play.

4:20. Wonders why Wolfgang is so fat....

[DrMaddVibe]

7:22 Cries because he's so good at playing the guitar.

7:35 Cries because he has to write out Val's monthly check.

7:51 Opens another bottle of Smoking Loon

7:53 Finishes the bottle

7:55 another tooth rots out and falls on the floor.

7:56 Ed cries over the tooth leaving him.

[bobgnote]

7:57 Flare-up.

7:58 More intermittent ass-fantasies.

7:59 More faggots from Pride Week want more BROWN for all the wrong reasons so Ed ends up humoring them and getting gay-nuts all night, again!

[bobgnote]

Originally posted by binnie
4:17. Watches video of himself perfoming with Chesney and kids himself that he can still play.

4:20. Wonders why Wolfgang is so fat....

4:21 Leslie West comes jamming through the door like Mr. T on speed and slams Ed up against the old paddlewheel . . .

4:22 Time for a pull on the old pipe!

4:23 Ed gets suspicious . . .

[bobgnote]

8 sharp, he forgot all about how Wolfie got fat, and he won't get any fat sound going, in tonight's loop.

[Golden AWe]

[jcook11]

4:10 Looks in mirror... vomits
4:15 Makes Mike clean up said vomit
4:20 Dresses out of filthy close hamper
4:22 Vomits on clothes out of filthy hamper
4:28 Stumbles to recycling place to sell cans
4:50 Stops at liquor store and buys two 40 ounce Magnums
5:05 Drinks dinner
5:25 Picks up guitar tries repeatedly to play solo from "Unchained"
5:40 Throws guitar against wall
6:00 Stumbles into filthy bedroom
6:05 Vomits on self, passes out

[jcook11]

Originally posted by Thorman
4:16 answers phone to hear DLR begging to be a singer tells him to fuck off

4:17-4;59 receives 42 calls from Roth begging for a chance
5:00 calls police to report a stalker
5:01 CVH reunites and makes kick ass albums like 5150 and FUCK

BAM

I love Dave, but that was fucking funny!

[col5150]

6 am: wakes up wondering if its 6 am or pm
6.05: drinks from heineken can only to discover its full of butts
6.30: opens wardrobe then remembers he only owns 1 shirt, 1 pair of vomit coloured combat pants + those stupid fuckin stripey cons
7.00: makes wolfy spunge bathe him, so he doesnt need to leave his bedroom
8.00:gets as tanked as possible over the next six hours then passes out, and gently dreams of long long long long ago when his fans used to actually respect him.

[RealRoth]

Wakes up, sits on bare stained mattress and pisses in empty smoking loon bottle. Opens one of the many empty pizza boxes and eats a cockroach. Forgets he pissed in bottle and drinks it. Finds guitar neck and studies it, vaguely remembers that this object was once somehow connected with him.

[thome]

4:01 stumbles into bathroom to take a load booming monster violent
diharea morning/evening Sh1t.

5:35 wakes up on toilet grabs old beer on counter near sink, downs it.

5:37 wanders into kitchen finds pipe on kitchen table exclaims -ahh
breakfast- tokes up then spends the next two hrs frantically
cleaning the spiders off his eyelids.

7:37 gets up to go back to bed realises he must piss returns to bathroom and is amazed because someone evidently took a sh1t
some hrs ago all over the closed cover of his toilet .

7:40 pisses on the cat and calls him, karl the house boy .

[frets5150]

What a stupid Fuckin thread

[Matt White]

HA!!!

It's BRILLIANT

7:50pm....falls down stairs

10:20pm...Yells for Val to help him out

11:36pm....wonders why Don Landee hasn't helped him off the floor yet

1:12am....notices Val hasn't vaccumed the house in AGES

[EbDawson]

Originally posted by thome
7:40 pisses on the cat and calls him, karl the house boy .

Thorman's alot funnier when he's on drugs.

[thome]

Fun with ED... this stuff has gotta hurt. ED deserves better, i take it all back, Ed would never call his Cat, Karl ,i was assuming too much.

[Kristy]

2:24PM: Get my sorry ass out of bed and try not to step on the empty liquor bottles and broken guitars that are strewn all over the floor.


2:27PM: Somehow make it to the bathroom to "void" myself of leftover snot, phelm, a fifth of Jack Daniels and about a two-and-a-half loafs

2:46PM: Get dressed, even though I am a multi-millionarie, I still choose to clothe myself like a street urchin only without a shirt. Why should I wear them? I have a body like a 25 year-old with a liver that only George Jones could rival.

3:06PM: Drive one of my hot rods to see my manager. I tell him I'm not happy. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE from my wife, my FAT son, Dave, Sammy, the people who lick my rich ass to my brother are to BLAME for my misery. God damn them, you know? Why if is wasn't for these assholes, I'd be content with my fortune because, really, we all know I and I alone is what makes Van Halen the embarrassement is it today.

5:16PM: After bitching to my manager fo rnearly two hours on how and why everyone but me to to be at fault for how fucked up my life is, he gives me more money for selling my soul with that fuck-awful "greatest hits" double CD that we overcharged our remaining fan base. He gives me a print out from MapQuest.com on all the liquor stores on the way home. For some reason, I keep on forgetting where they are. And I blame YOU for that.

5:58PM: At the nearest liquor store. I haven't bathed in weeks and they refuse me service for not wearing a shirt. "God damn you!" I shout at the store owner, "Gimme my god damn motherfucking booze" I continue to bark at him. He threatens to call the police on me if I don't leave immediately. Of course, this is all Dave's fault. Or is it my brother's? Well, someone is responsible for my disparagement. Somebody always is.

6:14PM: After being refused from liquor store after liquor store I call my ex-wife and yell at her for my son being so fat. "You better be wearing a cup, you bitch." I love saying that kind of shit to her.

6:16PM: I call Sammy up and yell at him for being so fat. "You fat fuck" I tell him. He hangs up on me before I can get around to my wearing the cup joke. So I'm the only one who thinks that's still funny. You got a problem with that? I'll sue your ass if you do.


6:20PM: I call my brother up and ask him if he has any booze at his house. He sighs and tells me that he'll leave it on the porch and not to ring the bell.

9:18PM: I finally find his house. But this time the booze is waiting for me at the gate to his community. Neighbors have been complaining that I smell too bad and am not welcome here anymore. Can't imagine why.

11:43PM: I find my way home. I drink until dawn. Maybe I'll "practice" my instrument but what's the god damn point? After hammering out the opening chords to 'Unchanged' I tell my guitar "you better be waring a cup" and then throw it across the room in a drunken rage. I eventually pass out until 2:00-ish the next day. Life is grand when you're me. But you're not. Because you better be waering a cup if you are.

[lztom]

Originally posted by Matt White


11:36pm....wonders why Don Landee hasn't helped him off the floor yet

Genius!

[yah]

5:11am:Phones Alex in a drunken, methed-out stupor while lying in a huge puddle of reeking piss on the floor and procedes to bitch, moan and whine about Val, Sam and Dave.... and his own life-as per usual.
Alex sighs and once again urges his bro to go to sleep and then phones Jensen....Eddie's nurse/butler to look in on him.

[Hardrock69]

LAFF MY FUCKING ASS OFF @ KRISTY!!!



Fucking grate post!!

[DylanLeeRoth]

at 12:00 pm..I wake up and remember I'm the reason Van Halen was popular to begin with. And then I wonder why I named my son Wolfgang.

[jcook11]

Originally posted by DylanLeeRoth
at 12:00 pm..I wake up and remember I'm the reason Van Halen was popular to begin with. And then I wonder why I named my son Wolfgang.

OOHH, sorry can't give you that one ...your answer must be in the form of a question

[jslav06]

Don't forget the part of the day where he puts up the cardboard cutouts of the CVH lineup around him, and air guitars to CVH recordings... wishing he could've been in that band, then remembers he was, then cries.

[ace diamond]

4:20pm.......comes to from beer nap,grabs bongs and smokes a bowl
4:57pm.......remembers he is still sitting there staring at said bong now empty
5:19:27pm...falls on floor
6:38pm........recovers from said fall
7:29.......makes it to the stairs, attempt walking down them.
7:29:01....fails said attempt and go down the stairs head first.
7:30:07pm.....pisses and shits himself while laying passed the fuck out from said failed attempt.
9:09 pm.....comes to and crawls to icebox.......fails in attempt to open it,hitts head again
10:41:57.......succeeds in opening icebox then forgets why the fuck he is there.
2:21am.......finally remembers why the fuck he is there,grabs jack daniels and case of heineken,proceeds to drink his meal for the day.
2:39am....considers attampting to play music,phone al.
2:39:22am.....al answers and tells ed to fuck off.
3:01am.....passes the fuck out.
4:42am........chokes on his vomit in his sleep and dies.
4:42:01........liver and lungs explode.
the end

[yah]

5:27 a.m.: Jensen, Eddie's Nurse/Butler tiptoes into Ed's bedroom thinking of Alex's warning that Ed is in exceptionally bad emotional distress as well as in a collosally wasted state, even for Eddie....
The stench of foul hours-old urine reaches Jensen's nostrils as he continues to tiptoe into Edward's huge once-luxurious bedroom....now a rats nest of depravity and addiction.
'Master Edward" Jensen whispers as he nears the collaped wasted figure lying in a huge puddle of stinky piss next to the expansive bed with countless cigarette burns on the bare , stained mattress.
"Go Way ya ole fuk!" Eddie shouts...."I dunno need nobody -youre all jealousssssss!" and starts hiccuping and laughing to himself like a crazed madman.....and doesn't stop.
6:05 a.m. Alex arrives at the 5150 mansion with a very hush-hush team of 3 men in white coats.
to be continued next time.......

[vheddyrmv8]

Originally posted by yah
5:27 a.m.: Jensen, Eddie's Nurse/Butler tiptoes into Ed's bedroom thinking of Alex's warning that Ed is in exceptionally bad emotional distress as well as in a collosally wasted state, even for Eddie....
The stench of foul hours-old urine reaches Jensen's nostrils as he continues to tiptoe into Edward's huge once-luxurious bedroom....now a rats nest of depravity and addiction.
'Master Edward" Jensen whispers as he nears the collaped wasted figure lying in a huge puddle of stinky piss next to the expansive bed with countless cigarette burns on the bare , stained mattress.
"Go Way ya ole fuk!" Eddie shouts...."I dunno need nobody -youre all jealousssssss!" and starts hiccuping and laughing to himself like a crazed madman.....and doesn't stop.
6:05 a.m. Alex arrives at the 5150 mansion with a very hush-hush team of 3 men in white coats.
to be continued next time.......

:eek: :confused:

[yah]

Hey....Ed deserves some shit!
Shut Up....Plug In.....Let's Go!

[Fat Wolfie]

You blimey bastards...

Anyway, I'll share a day in the life of daddy. This morning he shat this:



Do you guys know why? Should I call the doctor?

[thome]

Originally posted by ace diamond
4:20pm.......comes to from beer nap,grabs bongs and smokes a bowl
4:57pm.......remembers he is still sitting there staring at said bong now empty
5:19:27pm...falls on floor
6:38pm........recovers from said fall
7:29.......makes it to the stairs, attempt walking down them.
7:29:01....fails said attempt and go down the stairs head first.
7:30:07pm.....pisses and shits himself while laying passed the fuck out from said failed attempt.
9:09 pm.....comes to and crawls to icebox.......fails in attempt to open it,hitts head again
10:41:57.......succeeds in opening icebox then forgets why the fuck he is there.
2:21am.......finally remembers why the fuck he is there,grabs jack daniels and case of heineken,proceeds to drink his meal for the day.
2:39am....considers attampting to play music,phone al.
2:39:22am.....al answers and tells ed to fuck off.
3:01am.....passes the fuck out.
4:42am........chokes on his vomit in his sleep and dies.
4:42:01........liver and lungs explode.
the end

crackin up
Been there done that ...yeah it sounds like fun .But Ed and i know
this can only be done like 5 or 6 days out of the week.

:eek:

[loveuhowie]

12 noon - Hmmm.. I think I just shit my pants.. Fuck it! Woofgang .. get me another beer