Dirty Joke Thread

[VHrocks]

Alright, let's hear your favorite dirty joke. I'll go first:

Little Bobby sat in the bathroom talking to his mother as she was taking a bath. She got up to dry herself when Bobby noticed something. With a puzzled look on his face he asked his mother, "Mommy what is that?"

She replied "That is where Daddy hit me with an ax."

Then Bobby replied "No shit, right in the pussy?"

[VHrocks]

Two nuns named Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."

[VHrocks]

A woman is fucking her lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home early, so she puts her lover in the closet with her little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "25 dollars."

Man: "Fine".

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."

Remembering the last time, he asks, "How much?"

Boy: "75 dollars."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

Father: "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "100 dollars."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, 100 dollars is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

[binnie]

Two paedophilles on are sitting on a park bench. As a ten year old girl walks past, one says to the other "I bet she was a bit of a goer in her time."

[binnie]

A paedophile and a little boy are walking through the woods at night. The little boy is shaking and says "it's so dark out here, I'm scared", to which the paedophile replies "it's alright for you, I have to walk back alone!"

[binnie]

What does a Chinese man do when he gets an Erection?

Vote

[binnie]

Two nuns and their Mother Superior die and go to Heaven.

St Peter says to the first, "you must answer a question before entering: who betrayed Jesus"

The nun answers "Judas" correctly and enters heaven.

St Peter asks the second nun "How long did it take God to create the universe" and she answers correctly "six days, and he rested on the seventh" and enters heaven.

Then St Peter turns to The mother Superior and says "due to your position, your question must be more challenging: what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"

The Mother Superior looks puzzled and says "ooohh thats a hard one"

And St. Peter replies "Correct"

[binnie]

After being fired off, two sperm are swimming away. One turns to the other panting and says
"fucking hell, how far is to this egg"


and the other replies

"A long way yet, we've only just passed the tonsils"

[binnie]

Father Brian has just been ordained and is replacing Father John in the parish due to the latter's retirment.

Father John has been showing him the ropes, and decides that Brian is ready to take his first confession. He gives Brian a big list and says "Don't worry, every possible sin is listed there, with the appropriate Penance, you'll be fine".

So Brian gets in the confession box, and his confidence grows after the first couple of hours, and the list never fails him.

Soon a woman comes in and says "bless me father for I have sinned: I gave my brother in law a blow job".

Brian searches frantically through the list to find the penance for Blow jobs, but cannot locate it. Panicking, he leans out of the confession box and says to an alter boy

"What did Father John give for a blow job?"

The boy replies

"Two chocolate bars and a coke."

[spmusicplyr]

here are a few.

When katrina hit, a reporter asked G.W. Bush on his opinions on Roe Vs Wade. Bush replied, "Roe..Wade..i really dont care how them coons get out of new orleans!"

why do old men go down on their wives? because at that age a pussy is the only set of lips on a broad that wont talk back to him

[spmusicplyr]

a man and his jewish friend walk down the street and a beautiful broad walks by. the one man tells the jew, "hey..i'd love to fuck that broad".. the jew replies, "fuck her outta what?"

[spmusicplyr]

black family is on a twin engine jet. one engine shits.
pilot comes on the mic and says, "ok we're gonna have to throw your luggage out to ligten the load"

comes back and says, "ok we need people to jump off the plane to lighten the load. any voulenteers?"

nobody replies.

pilot says, "ok, were going alphabetically"

"any african americans?" nobody raises their hands.
"any blacks" no response
"any coons?" no reply..


black familys kid says, "hey momma, we's african american, black and coons..why didnt we jump?"

mom says, "today we's niggas..and them filthy mexicans come before us"

[binnie]

Originally posted by spmusicplyr


why do old men go down on their wives? because at that age a pussy is the only set of lips on a broad that wont talk back to him

Ha HA HA!!

I just spit the first beer of te day over my computer!

[binnie]

"Daddy, whats a degenerate?"

"Shut up boy and keep sucking...."

[ace diamond]

a homeless guy is crapping in the bushes in a rather upscale area.
the lady of the manor is outside gardening when she hears strange
grunting sounds and gets a whiff.

following her nose she finds the fella just pulling up his trousers.
"oh, don't pull them up just yet",she says.

so she starts playing with his balls and blowing him.

"you like that?" she asks
"uh-huh"the guy says.

his is about to blow his load in her mouth,she stops,
and asks,"do you want me to spit or swallow?"
"swallow" is the reply.
she cups her hands around his balls and begins capping as hard as she can shouting
"don't you ever shit in my fucking yard again,you rotten sonofabitch!!!!!!!"