FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
January 25, 2006
GUESS WHO'S BACK IN CIRCULATION?
Van Halen signs on the dotted line to perform with David Lee Roth
(A.P.) Hell, Mich. - Roth Army World Headquarters
After several months of rumors about Van Halen reuniting with David Lee Roth, it appears as though the rumors are absolutely true. The Hollywood buzz has already begun, as Van Halen clips have been showing up on everything from MTV to CNN to E!'s Daily 10.
It appears as though Roth is already in the fold, as the reunited band is in the process of signing a 40 date ampitheatre deal. It's more than just a deal in the process, as all the dates appear to be set, and getting ready to be announced.
The LA Times not only said Roth is back, planning a press conference, and scheduling a tour, but that the dates were set, and it should be announced soon.
The only issue? Wolfgang Van Halen will be the bass player. Michael Anthony has been chucked to the curb like an empty bottle of BBQ sauce. It's assumed that Michael Anthony's growing association with the ever growing stomach known as Samuel Roy Hagar.From the LA Times: Give credit (or blame?) to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame: David Lee Roth is back with Van Halen and planning to tour. The mercurial Roth, who officially left Van Halen on April Fool's Day in 1985, will reunite with his old band for a tour that kicks off in North Carolina in early May and includes June stops in L.A., Orange and San Diego counties, according to sources in the concert industry.
In a sidestory, when asked about Hagar, a prominent musician was quoted as saying,
Hagar had no comment. We aren't sure if it's because he didn't want to answer, or if his head is now hidden behind his girth.When did Sammy Hagar's hair begin looking like a matted, wet dog after having been worked over by a bulldog in heat?
So what's the POJO Take on all of this?
A few things.
It's January. Roth and Van Halen have to make it to May without fucking up. Dave has to walk on eggshells...and he's so good at that. Ed has to stay in his house, and not say or do anything. WEll...he IS good at that. Then there's the Human Gut, who will be doing everything in his power to undermine everything.
Then there is March 12. David Lee Roth, Van Halen, GutMan and Michael Anthony will be sharing the same stage to accept their induction to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I can see it now. Beck is asked to take present, and as he's presenting the award...Roth runs out and starts shoo-be-doobying. As the rest of the band walks out, Ed stands 20 feet from Roth, smiling at him. LivingStomach can't stop putting his hand around Ed. Roth walks up to Ed and says, "It's not about your fuckin' son..." Ed starts throwing low uppercuts, while sticking out his half-tongue, looking like some warped version of Gene Simmons.
In the meantime, Gene Simmons is in the crowd thinking...hmmmm...that kid could play guitar for me.
My thoughts though? Do you remember that girl that you wanted to take the skin boat to tuna town with, but never did (I did them all, so I have to pretend). Then, 20 years later, you find yourself in your old neighborhood. You look over, and notice some FAT ASS waste of a hag sitting there, giving you those fuck me eyes. You quickly order a pitcher, give YOURSELF a roofie while praying you remember the act, but not the size, you slam down the pitcher, and work your way over. You find out after 10 minutes that this is the same girl that used to have that tight ass and big tits in high school.
Sure, you still get the job done, but it's just not the same.
I'm as big a Roth fan as the next guy, but this show is 10 years too late.
I hope I'm wrong. I hope when Ed had all his teeth ripped out, and had that new freakin' glow in the dark grill put in place, he also somehow regained the ability to play the guitar like a guitar god, and not like Benny Hill.
I hope that Alex expects his wife to have unnatural relations with Dave. You know it's going to happen. It always does. Perhaps that anger will make him play like he did in 1984, and not like he did during the Hagar/neckbrace days. We don't want Christopher Reeves playing drums.
I hope that Wolfgang Van Halen realizes that this is every 15 year old rock and roll kid's freakin' dream come true. Seriously. Imagine when you were 15, playing onstage with Roth and Van Halen. I think it's a joke that he is...but man...if the kid is any fan of Rock and Roll, EVEN HE knows that Roth is a legend. Oh yeah, rumor has it his Dad was pretty good as well. I also hope that he doesn't demand Roth out of the band when Roth screws Wolfie's 18 year old, senior in high school, virgin girlfriend.
I hope that Roth walks out onstage, in May, in North Carolina...stares out at the crowd...looks over at Edward Van Halen, and says, "Hey Ed, LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKING PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT!" Laughs...then says, "Damn man, it seems just like fucking yesterday..." As Ed peels into DOA...
Wolfie or Michael...1984 or 2007...Young or Old...if that doesn't give you the fucking chills...
Then get out your copy of fucking Balance and Bette Midler. Hit shuffle on your fucking pink CD player...and enjoy your BUBBLE bath...FAG.
Coming Soon: Whatever the Fuck We Want
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