Well, so after a long and proud history of Larg Girls of the Month from your Sheep Pen, and in an effort to show a degree of equality, we will begin another monthly feature. Instead of lusting over women that we're obviously never going to have, how about we rant against asshole douchebags who have impacted the world in a negative light?
I see no better way to start this new feature out than by inducting the one and only Sammy Roy Hagar.
Yes, Sammy Hagar. One time singer for a band which featured ex Van Halen members Edward Van Halen, Michael Anthony and Alex Van Halen, former lead singer of Montrose and solo "artist", if the word can be used accurately. Current lead singer for a ho-hum bar rock band called "Chickenshit", utilizing former Van Halen member Michael Anthony, Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith and wasting the incredible talents of Joe Satriani.
Sammy's career in the public spotlight has been full of highlights. After blazing a trail of musical mediocrity through the 1970's with otherwise talented musicians such as Ronnie Montrose, Bill Church, Gary Pihl and Denny Carmassi, Sammy went for the gold in the early 1980's by signing to a gay man's record label (Geffen) and recording his special blend (or is it bland) or Survivor-esque rock and ballads to fairly moderate success. Opening for far more talented musicians such as Eddie Money, REO Speedwagon and Loverboy, Hagar found a way to increase his revenue and thrust his name further into the spotlight by recording soundtrack music.
After a failed attempt at a supergroup, the abysmally dismal HSAS, Hagar finally struck gold with "I Can't Drive (I'm) 55", a song far more remembered as a MTV video hit than a decent song.
Suddenly, the fortune of destiny shined it's love light through on Sammy as he was offered a job in the MONUMENTALLY successful band Van Halen as a replacement for David Lee Roth. The resulting album, "5150", became a top seller as fans across America were in love with the name VAN HALEN and didn't really fucking care WHO was singing for them at that point in time.
Sammy, ever the solo "artist", had to drop another load into David Geffen's hole, thus, "I Never Said Goodbye" was released, quickly followed by yet another psuedo-Halen album "OU812", which showed the band more and more reliant on keyboards and valiantly attempting to conquer a musical field far better suited to the likes of Aldo Nova and Rick Springfield.
The 1990's saw Van Halen (and Sammy Hagar's) fortunes wane, as albums like "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" and "Balance", while still decent sellers, showed the band running on empty in regards to originality, creativity, energy, and enthusiasm.
Hagar was unceremoniously dumped on his ass in favor of the far more talented (and far more welcome by the fans) David Lee Roth as the release of "Best of Vol. 1" came out, featuring two new tracks with David. Time stood still at the 1996 MTV Music Video Awards as the REAL Van Halen took the stage for the first time since 1985.
Eddie and Alex Van Halen subsequently proved to be douchebags themselves, however, but there are many more months to come.
Hagar blazed a trail back into his solo career, hiring a fat bitch on bass and a half-assed guitarist to keep his name alive. With sales of "Marching to Mars" in a slump, Hagar tried to one-up himself with each subsequent album ("Red Voodoo", "Ten 13", "Not 4 Sale") and succeeded in selling less and less with each subsequent album, maintaining true Sammy Hagar fashion.
2004 rolled around and, true to his word, Sammy Hagar rejoined Van Halen in the "Fleece the Sheep" American tour. Hagar was in perfect form, causing Eddie Van Halen to heavily drink and smoke crystal meth on a nightly basis for sole reason of obtaining the energy to deal with Sam for a 2 hour basis every night.
Again, Sammy (and this time his lil' buddy Mike with him) were unceremoniously shown the door. Van Halen reunited again with David Lee Roth and made a bazillion dollars on a U.S. tour featuring Ed's son Wolf on bass; Sammy became a matter of national interest when he spliced his DNA with Jimmy Buffett, resulting in a bizarre scientific experimentation of cloning himself and Jimmy together.
With his latest album ("Livin' it Up") hovering around sales of 19 copies, Sammy decided that another supergroup was obviously the best career choice for him. Dubbed "Chickenshit", himself, Anthony and Chad Smith proceeded to waste the incredible talents of Joe Satriani, recording an album of blisteringly awesome, sleep-inducing ho-hum mediocrity, touring in the all the places that will book them (clubs and bars) to massive crowds of 40-80 people a night.
Of course, we can always count on Sammy to put a positive spin on things when speaking to the media ("Joe Satriani is the best guitarist I've ever worked with", "We're the next Led Zeppelin", etc), regardless of accuracy or believability.
For this, Sam, we salute YOU. It's your moment. YOU are the Sheep Pen's official Douchebag of the Month for June 2009.
Enjoy your month!
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Originally Posted by bueno bob
