Eddie's Ready to Tour

[gslinger]

As reported in the Kamanawanalayu Times today, Eddie Van Halen is ready for the new Tour and is confident he will give the fans a show they will never forget.

[gslinger]

Response from Mr. Roth:

"Why would anyone listen to a band in the pasture, when I’m here and am the future" – Diamond David Lee Roth

[Sarge]

Ed's drinking has caused him to have a nose like WC Fields

[gslinger]

Yeah, Sarge lookin at those recent Eddie pics made me immediatelhy start whistling:

"Sharp Dressed Man"
by ZZ Top

Clean shirt, new shoes
and I don't know where I am goin' to.
Silk suit, black tie,
I don't need a reason why.
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'cos every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.

Gold watch, diamond ring,
I ain't missin' not a single thing.
Cufflinks, stick pin,
when I step out I'm gonna do you in.
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Coz every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.

Top coat, top hat,
And I don't worry coz my wallet's fat.
Black shades, white gloves,
lookin' sharp lookin' for love.
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Coz every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.

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All that song needs is Diamond Dave doing a back-track "that suit is youuuu...how do you dooooo" bit and it would be ready to go for the big Eddie showwww.

[gslinger]

I'm in fighting shape & ready for this 4 month Van Spammy Tour!! I even just finished a movie role where I played "death warmed over". My best friends Johnny Red and Johnny Black loved my acting part!

[gslinger]

“Pistttt......Hey you guys don’t tell anyone I am giving away 1,000 of tickets for each show, so the place will look at least ½ full when we play”

[gslinger]

“As you can see, I am a perfect picture of health, that David Lee Roth could only dream of”

[gslinger]

“Ummmmm, damn, ummmm how do you play a C Chord…..more importantly…what year is it?”

[gslinger]

“It’s About Time”…yeah right, we wrote that song for our new younger joining fan members. Here is one now ............

[gslinger]

Oh, ammm here's fan member

[gslinger]

NBC Nightly News, Live Interview with Tom Brokaw – “You got it Tom….as soon as I finish this stinking Tour, and clean the last penny out of my ingrate fans, I’m joining the Smashing Pumpkins as a backup Jews-Harp player………

Look Tommy boy, no more f—king questions, its been 20 seconds since I had a cigarette. Billy will answer the rest of your shit, I’m controlling all his strings back here anyway…………

[gslinger]

“You think all my fans will get off my ass, if I pretend I am pissed off at me too!”

[gslinger]

“Hey Ryan, you really think if we keep cruising the airport in my Slash disguise, that I might finally get to sign an autograph?......I’ve been sooo lonely without any fans”

[gslinger]

Nooo it’s not a cigarette jerk. It’s some growth that grew from what was left of my tongue after the docs cut the cancer out!

[gslinger]

Stoned? …How’s Stoned!…I’m working on my Angus Young look to see if AC/DC will pick me up as a third guitarist! They’ve sold 20 million albums more than we have anyway.