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Thread: My new amps are designed to kill you

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    My new amps are designed to kill you

    I just finished the merging of several types of amplifier modification with an ace physics student and metal fan out of Long Beach tech who was down on his pot levels, but up on killing people drawn to hurting others in mosh pits at deathmetal shows.. and the occasional roadie retard.

    It all started when I placed an ad for a guy who really, really knows tube amps, but all I could pay was in pot.

    So that's how I met Hakan. He's from Ukraine, and pretty naiive about people from Los Angeles yanking his chain. But he knows how to derive equations for high-gain tube amps and probably thinks he's getting the better end of the deal because everytime I stop by to check up on my amps, I could tell the guys' been smokin alot of my dope away.

    We got to a point in the first amp now where I like it: kinda Dieselly on lead channel, and glassy blackface Twin Reverby on the second.. then I tell him the bad news "Dude, I have to kill people with this amp."

    Leave me be he says, I give to you.

    "You give to me? What give to you me do you mean?"

    He takes a strong hit and motions me out the screen door You come back Moondee, Moondee he he hee.. I didn't know what this meant until yesterday.

    So monday came and I stopped by, he's got two of my four stacks setup in the garage, plus a heap of old discarded microwave chassis by the trash next to it and I begin to grow a little worried going inside.

    "Ukee, ukee you play geetah how you like eeynd I make deez eeydustments ukee.." Hakan geev me geetah I plug in.. and seeing how he's cut my grille cloth in the center with a big fucking hole in it I'm plenty ticked to boot.

    But I play geetah.
    Eet syounds emayzeenk. Just amazing, I click one footswitch, both heads silently switch to dirty.

    Then he brings in a birdcage with a rat in it "Now you play keel. Play to keel ukee?" an puts it on a box directly in front of the new hole.

    As I start bomping open E and G chords, I begin to smell a moldy hairdryer smell which was interesting because I didn't order the Smellovision and started to sweat that maybe Hakan was just a HAKK and my transformers are melting.. then I looked at the rat and I could see the fur melting.

    Then a full roll of the volume knob, and the thing literally MELTED in front of me. My jaw dropped!

    I played for little over a minute, while watching this poor creature become BBQ stewed in it's own juices.

    "Yah we make here Carcinotron, eez a backwave-oscillator cabinet now. I take only two microwave each cab from tubes output, before speaker, now you got electron-speaker-gun. I need $300 for parts.. and more skunkweed if you please."

    This is obviously a joke, how'd you do it? "Eez ez NAH joke, uhkee. Eez killing machine for metal, you don't like?"

    Now prior to this, I should add: all I ever expected was retubing and possibly new filter caps - but after discussing the old Ted Nugent boast of his amps exploding a stray pigeon that accidentally flew past.. and I said how cool would that be if you could roast the thing mid-air.. he surprised me with an amp that also is gonna be a great beam-weapon for crowd control!!

    Spent all day with him today cooking steaks and building extra dummy cabs with added focusing lenses for greater pressure and water cooler lines.. for being fairly antisocial psychotic types, we're getting along fairly well on this project.

    I'
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    Gary, at your age you should know about the "Brown Acid"
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    Question Delusional, party of GAR...

    Quote Originally Posted by Panamark View Post
    Gary, at your age you should know about the "Brown Acid"
    Nooooo kidding...was actually almost interesting up until the "melted rat" part...


    So I guess GAR's plan is to play gigs from behind his amps to avoid exposure to the death-ray cabinets....?
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    Please kill Lefty with this amp.
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    A murder/suicide would be quite appropriate...
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    I agree. Tell Lefty you want to fuck it in it's fat ass, tell it you want to do it in front of the stacks, then turn them up to 11 while you both are in front of them, and do the world a big favor and die.
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    I am not wishing death on any human - just the alias. Thank you.

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    Then the problem is....?

    Quote Originally Posted by Shoes, Sensible View Post
    I am not wishing death on any human - just the alias. Thank you.
    It's cool, as no humans would be harmed in the scenario HR69 describes...



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    Break the ground pin off and then put a hot load on the amp chassis and you might just kill someone.
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    Quote Originally Posted by GAR View Post
    I just finished the merging of several types of amplifier modification with an ace physics student and metal fan out of Long Beach tech who was down on his pot levels, but up on killing people drawn to hurting others in mosh pits at deathmetal shows.. and the occasional roadie retard.

    It all started when I placed an ad for a guy who really, really knows tube amps, but all I could pay was in pot.

    So that's how I met Hakan. He's from Ukraine, and pretty naiive about people from Los Angeles yanking his chain. But he knows how to derive equations for high-gain tube amps and probably thinks he's getting the better end of the deal because everytime I stop by to check up on my amps, I could tell the guys' been smokin alot of my dope away.

    We got to a point in the first amp now where I like it: kinda Dieselly on lead channel, and glassy blackface Twin Reverby on the second.. then I tell him the bad news "Dude, I have to kill people with this amp."

    Leave me be he says, I give to you.

    "You give to me? What give to you me do you mean?"

    He takes a strong hit and motions me out the screen door You come back Moondee, Moondee he he hee.. I didn't know what this meant until yesterday.

    So monday came and I stopped by, he's got two of my four stacks setup in the garage, plus a heap of old discarded microwave chassis by the trash next to it and I begin to grow a little worried going inside.

    "Ukee, ukee you play geetah how you like eeynd I make deez eeydustments ukee.." Hakan geev me geetah I plug in.. and seeing how he's cut my grille cloth in the center with a big fucking hole in it I'm plenty ticked to boot.

    But I play geetah.
    Eet syounds emayzeenk. Just amazing, I click one footswitch, both heads silently switch to dirty.

    Then he brings in a birdcage with a rat in it "Now you play keel. Play to keel ukee?" an puts it on a box directly in front of the new hole.

    As I start bomping open E and G chords, I begin to smell a moldy hairdryer smell which was interesting because I didn't order the Smellovision and started to sweat that maybe Hakan was just a HAKK and my transformers are melting.. then I looked at the rat and I could see the fur melting.

    Then a full roll of the volume knob, and the thing literally MELTED in front of me. My jaw dropped!

    I played for little over a minute, while watching this poor creature become BBQ stewed in it's own juices.

    "Yah we make here Carcinotron, eez a backwave-oscillator cabinet now. I take only two microwave each cab from tubes output, before speaker, now you got electron-speaker-gun. I need $300 for parts.. and more skunkweed if you please."

    This is obviously a joke, how'd you do it? "Eez ez NAH joke, uhkee. Eez killing machine for metal, you don't like?"

    Now prior to this, I should add: all I ever expected was retubing and possibly new filter caps - but after discussing the old Ted Nugent boast of his amps exploding a stray pigeon that accidentally flew past.. and I said how cool would that be if you could roast the thing mid-air.. he surprised me with an amp that also is gonna be a great beam-weapon for crowd control!!

    Spent all day with him today cooking steaks and building extra dummy cabs with added focusing lenses for greater pressure and water cooler lines.. for being fairly antisocial psychotic types, we're getting along fairly well on this project.

    I'
    gary, give this fucker all the fucking pot he needs!!!
    i want one of these fucking killer amps........that'll teach the stray neighborhood cats a lethal fucking lesson!!
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    Quote Originally Posted by ace diamond View Post
    ..that'll teach the stray neighborhood cats a lethal fucking lesson!!
    Helping out today, I burned my right hand pretty badly holding the lense "tabs" he was laser trimming to get a broader ray out of it.. apparently his homemade laser tube works in the infrared range, but he didn't think to provide any shielding for anyone but himself.

    We've been trying to enlargen the "target width" to do better than nuke rats.

    That lil beastie was half the size of a typical 3 oz. hot dog which is impressive in and of itself, because this is the only amp in existence with a built-in carcinotron unit, but we got to do better if we're gonna nail the "folded-arms" crowd who wanna do the stare-down from front row.

    I mean, who wants to be on stage lookin' at dudes checkin you out while you play? Get out, fags! Yknow? I want to see young chicks up front.

    If you're gonna be in my front row, bring your chick so I can look down her blouse or something... uhh huhuhhhuhuhuh or else I step on the big red switch and make you feel.. a little sick!

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    Quote Originally Posted by jhale667 View Post
    So I guess GAR's plan is to play gigs from behind his amps to avoid exposure to the death-ray cabinets....?
    They're pretty directional, when you stand in front of it for a few seconds with a leather jacket, you feel nothing but if you take that and your shirt off you'll feel it right away.

    It's going to be quite a jump going from cooking 2 ounces or so of meat in one minute, to targeting a 200-pound beer bellied BASTARD chick-obstruction.

    My guy says if they stay in front for like 10 minutes, they'll get a nice face-burn

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    It's true; I played one of these before, and it gave me a permanent orange afro.
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    Quote Originally Posted by GAR View Post
    Helping out today, I burned my right hand pretty badly.....
    Why weren't you holding your fucking face in front of the laser? Burning it off would be a drastic improvement!

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    Quote Originally Posted by GAR View Post

    If you're gonna be in my front row, bring your chick so I can look down her blouse or something... uhh huhuhhhuhuhuh or else I step on the big red switch and make you feel.. a little sick!
    Not so many threads ago you told J that you hadn't played in 15 yrs?

    Make up your mind dude, is he gonna shit, or is he gonna kill us?

    You really need to take notes to keep the lies straight coward..
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shoes, Sensible View Post
    I am not wishing death on any human - just the alias. Thank you.
    Please note... No humans were harmed in the making of this internet bullshit thread. Any resemblance to real persons, internet trolls living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shoes, Sensible View Post
    Please kill Lefty with this amp.
    your a mean person.
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    gary why are you lieing to these people? you dont even own a amp.you play that cracle color guitar that has 4 strings with a bread bag tie as hard as you can because you dont have a amp.stupid.

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  25. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Igosplut View Post
    Not so many threads ago you told J that you hadn't played in 15 yrs?
    .. and I still haven't played out, nor held myself to a daily practice regimen either.

    On the other side of the coin, you go forth restoring an early-80's Honda Gullwing and ride it twice a summer, then consider yourself a "biker" go figure.

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    Quote Originally Posted by GAR View Post
    .. and I still haven't played out, nor held myself to a daily practice regimen either.

    On the other side of the coin, you go forth restoring an early-80's Honda Gullwing and ride it twice a summer, then consider yourself a "biker" go figure.
    I can and did post a picture on one of my Harley's....

    You can post a picture of anything because you have nothing...

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    Quote Originally Posted by LEFTY View Post
    your a mean person.
    Yes. Yes, I am.

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    And actually it's a Goldwing there coward...

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    Shows how much I know about anything non-Indian... you get spoiled I suppose.

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    Shut the fuck up!

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    Quote Originally Posted by GAR View Post
    Shows how much I know about anything non-Indian... you get spoiled I suppose.
    Not according to threads you posted in at DDLR when you were telling us how much money you were making by turning over jap bikes you were buying cheap (along with the boats)......

    I really don't expect you to keep your bullshit straight anymore after this many story's....

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    I know the bass frequency that makes people lose their bowel contents.
    My new amp is gonna have that as a selectable footswitch.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Panamark View Post
    I know the bass frequency that makes people lose their bowel contents.
    My new amp is gonna have that as a selectable footswitch.
    Sorry Mythbusters busted this one...


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    The mythbuster guys are some really clueless motherfuckers. That show pisses me off.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Blackflag View Post
    The mythbuster guys are some really clueless motherfuckers. That show pisses me off.
    Yeah, they're spoiling our fun.

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    Quote Originally Posted by GAR View Post
    .. and I still haven't played out, nor held myself to a daily practice regimen either.

    On the other side of the coin, you go forth restoring an early-80's Honda Gullwing and ride it twice a summer, then consider yourself a "biker" go figure.
    GULLWING MACH IV 80's Composite Skateboard Trucks on eBay (end time 09-Feb-10 01:00:57 GMT)

    gar, you rebuild these, and let the men work on motorcycles.
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    Why hasn't a pic of these amps been posted, Gargle?

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    Quote Originally Posted by LoungeMachine View Post
    Why hasn't a pic of these amps been posted, Gargle?

    They actually have to exist before one can photograph them...

    Mythbusters should actually do a spot on GAR.


    Adam: "Does GARfail actually own a single piece of gear?"

    Jamie: "No, no he doesn't!"

    Adam: "Myth BUSTED!"

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    Quote Originally Posted by Blackflag View Post
    It's true; I played one of these before, and it gave me a permanent orange afro.
    I haven't played one before, I grew a brain.
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    Quote Originally Posted by VanHalenFan5150 View Post
    I haven't played one before, I grew a brain.
    Are you saying people who have afros don't have brains? How the fuck dare you?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Blackflag View Post
    Are you saying people who have afros don't have brains? How the fuck dare you?
    orange afros.

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    ronald, spammy, carrot top, and you?




    (although i don't think you really have an orange afro)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Blackflag View Post
    Are you saying people who have afros don't have brains? How the fuck dare you?
    I certainly never said that at all, dear sir. And if you're planning to pull out the racial implications card, don't even go there, my best friend is black.

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    Funny how this is the cowards thread and he hasn't posted responses to all of this. But he can shit up other peoples threads..

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