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I thought it must be a great place to pick up girls since every guy on South Beach seemed to be a self obsessed flaming homo. 
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They're all nasty as hell...Comment
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Ok guys I officially win this thread!
Woman Who Shot Missile Into Car Has Most Florida Name EVER
A Florida woman was arrested in May for shooting a missile into a vehicle. While this already raises some interesting questions (how did someone get access to a missile and why would she waste it on a car instead of selling it to the Russians), what's even more interesting is the woman's name, which appears on her booking record as, well, here's a photo:
While I couldn't get any information on the actual arrest, I had to confirm that the name was real so I put on my reporter hat and started making phone calls. After talking to a worker who wouldn't give me her name at the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, I was directed to the Polk County Sheriff's Office, where I spoke with Sharon (not interested in talking to me) and Linda, tireless public servant. keeper of the records and star of this particular story.
Here's how our conversation went:
Me: Hi, I'm calling to ask about a name of one of the people you booked and released in May.
Linda: Not yesterday?
Me: No, May.
Linda: Okay, what is her name?
Me: Crystal Metheney.
Linda: Hmmm. And what is your question, sir? (Linda calling me sir was the highlight of my day because usually my high-pitched nasal twang gets a "ma'am" or an "are your parents home?")
Me: Is that her real name? And was she arrested for shooting a missile?
Linda: That's what it says here.
Me: Not an alias?
Linda: No.
Me: That's a pretty amazing name.
Linda: (Sighs) Sir, this is Florida. We have a lot of interesting names here.
It's unlikely that we'll ever know more about Metheney — she was released on a $5000 bond and is hopefully not using her money to buy any more missiles — but Linda will live on through the ages. In fact, if anyone deserves a sitcom (or a documentary on TRU TV) it's Linda.
Premise from an editor: It will be a new FX sitcom starring Elisabeth Shue as Linda, a small-town florida sheriff trying to keep control of her team of madcap meth-fighting officers. Brilliant!Comment
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If you really wanna have some fun, read about Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd. He's quite a character. He's always preening for cameras. He also likes to preach from his high horse. He's a son of a bitch. I live in the next county over and I don't even fuck around over there at all. Nobody does he has that shit on lockdown. It's worthless meth country anyway.
I think you would like this guy Sesh
A man in Colorado a couple of months ago published a book called The Pedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure, and he didn't get arrested for it, and this made Grady Judd mad.
So the sheriff of Polk County, whose job is to protect and serve the roughly 500,000 people who live in the mostly agricultural area between Tampa and Orlando, had one of his undercover detectives contact Phillip Greaves of Pueblo, Colo., and ask to buy his book. Greaves sent a signed copy back to Polk, where Judd got a search warrant, and then sent two of his men 1,856 miles to arrest him the week before Christmas.
After the news broke, Judd sat in the studio of a country radio station in Lakeland and told two nodding disc jockeys, "He had porn plastered — ugly, nasty porn — plastered all over his room.
"I mean," he added, leaning in toward the microphone, "he's a real weeeiiirdo."
The episode was no surprise to those who have watched the public ascent of this man's career. Judd, who turns 57 next month, envisions himself as not just a local enforcer of laws but a more universal arbiter of morals. He inserts himself into some of the most sensitive fissures in the country's culture wars, a "true believer," as his friends say, or a savvy opportunist, or both, and then goes on television to state his case. It has made him a face on a screen as much as a man in a uniform.
How did Grady Judd become Sheriff America?
Is it because his mother was a Sunday school teacher? Is it because he counts as two of his closest friends a Catholic priest and a Baptist pastor? Is it because he keeps a Bible on his desk?
Is it because he has planted at the base of his driveway a sign that says MAYBERRY?
Judd won't say, but his son will: "I think it has to do with honestly just the strong belief of what's right and what's wrong," said Graham Judd, 30, the younger of his two boys. "He's been quoted as saying the only time there's a gray area is when people try to justify their wrong actions."
In 2007, commenting on a case in which he had arrested a man who was running a porn site out of his home in Polk, he said: "No normal person could even imagine what's depicted in those videos and in those photographs." A sexual behavior expert from the University of Central Florida said in a motion in the man's court file that it was run-of-the-mill erotica available anywhere on the Internet to anyone who wanted it.
"Normal people," Judd insisted, "don't have the ability to imagine how perverse and horrific these images were."
All of this has gotten him on Tampa TV, Orlando TV, Fox News, The Today Show, Good Morning America, and CNN.
His certitude plays well on the screen. He uses words like "never," "ever" and "absolutely." He sends "messages" and calls for "outrage." He traffics in vivid images and stark contrasts. Drug dealers are thugs. Inmates are criminals. Sex offenders are perverts. And they don't just show up. They show up with "condoms in one hand and candy bars in the other." As for his critics? "Radical, mean-spirited dissidents," he told Bay News 9 last year.
He was re-elected in 2008 in a landslide. His supporters say he'll be Polk County's sheriff for as long as he wants to be. So do his critics.
There's a lot more
gnaw on itComment
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Florida Teen Charged with Masturbating With Stuffed Pony in Wal-Mart Aisle
By Brian Shields
Wed Nov 12th, 2014 9:26am America/Los_Angeles
BROOKSVILLE, Florida (KRON) — A 19-year old Florida man is pleading not guilty to performing lewd acts with a stuffed animal in the comforter aisle at a Wal-Mart.
Police say surveillance tape shows Scott Fredericksen walked into the Wal-Mart back in October, took a “brown, tan, and red stuffed horse from the clearance shelf in the garden department” and then proceeded to the aisle where they sell comforters and other bedspreads.
According to the police report, Fredericksen “proceeded to pull out his genitals which were in an aroused state. The defendant then proceeded to hold the stuffed horse’s chest area to his genitals and proceeded to hump the stuffed horse utilizing short fast movements. The defendant continued this action until he achieved an orgasm and ejaculated on the stuffed horse’s chest area.”
Witnesses say Fredericksen then put the stained stuffed horse inside a bag containing a comforter set and left the store.
A Wal-Mart security officer watched the whole thing and testified he saw the teen’s penis during the incident.
When police arrested Fredericksen, he reportedly told the officer, “I did unmentionables to a stuffed animal” adding “I need to think before what I do. I’m extremely sorry.”
The teen is due back in court on misdemeanor indecent exposure and criminal mischief charges next month.Eat Us And Smile
Cenk For America 2024!!
Justice Democrats
"If the American people had ever known the truth about what we (the BCE) have done to this nation, we would be chased down in the streets and lynched." - Poppy Bush, 1992Comment
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Gentleman with promising future found naked and masturbating outside home
STUART, Fla. - Police say a man was arrested after he was found naked and masturbating outside of his Stuart home.
According to tcpalm.com, the incident happened back on November 14.
Police say the man, identified as 21-year-old Anthony Smith, told deputies that his mother won't let him watch pornography inside of the house.
He told officers that he goes outside naked hoping to be seen by neighbors.
Smith faces exposure of sexual organs charges.Comment
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Thanks for nothing, asshole...Comment
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Masked robber shot dead by intended victim
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At least this one has a happy ending.. this is a few miles from my place.. in the not-so-nice part of town.Originally posted by wiseguyComment
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Why oh why couldn't somebody have shot this Floridian bastard before he acted? Still sick over this one...
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No shit man.. that one is beyond sickening..Originally posted by wiseguyComment
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Another one of those classic genius posts, sure to generate responses. You log on the next day to see what your witty gem has produced to find no one gets it and 2 knotheads want to stick their dicks in it... Well played, sir!!Comment
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Crazy crazy crazy....
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Look, the strained maternal relations I have regarding the battle over my circumcision aren't geographically specific: this would have happened regardless of location, so you can snip the Florida angle right off the top of it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Mother's inert body (referred to in technical medical jargon as a 'corpse' by those medical examiner dirty birdies) needs to be moved from the bed to the chair facing the window, enabling Mother to keep an eye on me while I go down the hill and open up the motel: she's my only friend and the sole buffer between me and those filthy whores who want to come between us.Last edited by Terry; 05-24-2015, 10:04 AM.Scramby eggs and bacon.Comment
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