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Thread: God tells all in new book

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    God tells all in new book



    God Tells All in New Book: Adam and Steve’s Story
    With a little help from comedian David Javerbaum, God issues a last testament, in which we learn the real story of Adam and Steve — no doubt, a shock to campus preachers everywhere.
    By Advocate.com Contributors

    In the following excerpt from new book The Last Testament, written by God, with a little help from comedian David Javerbaum, we learn the story of Adam and Steve. As it turns out, there really was an Adam and Steve, which should shock campus preachers everywhere.

    Javerbaum is the former head writer and executive producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and heis the coauthor of the show’s bestsellers America: The Book and Earth: The Book. The Last Testament goes on sale November 1.


    CHAPTER 4

    1 To resume:

    2 It is often said — and even more often screamed at anti–gay marriage rallies outside the statehouse in Lansing — that I created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

    3 Wrong.

    4 Now will I tell the story of the first man, Adam; and of the companion I fashioned for him, Steve; and of the great closeting that befell their relationship.

    5 For after I created the earth, and sea, and every plant and seed and beast of the field and fowl of the air, and had the place pretty much set up, I saw that it was good;

    6 But I also saw, that by way of oversight it made good administrative sense to establish a new middle‑managerial position.

    7 So as my final act of Day Six, I formed a man from the dust of the ground, and breathed life into his nostrils; and I called him Adam, to give him a leg up alphabetically.

    8 And lo, I made him for my image; not in my image, but for my image; because with Creations thou never gettest a second chance to make a first impression;

    9 And so in fashioning him I sought to make not only a responsible planetary caretaker, but also an attractive, likeable spokesman who in the event of environmental catastrophe could project a certain warmth.

    10 To immediately assess his ability to function in my absence, I decided to change my plans; for I had intended to use Day Seven to infuse the universe with an innate sense of compassion and moral justice; but instead I left him in charge and snoozed.

    11 And Adam passed my test; yea, he was by far my greatest achievement; he befriended all my creatures, and named them, and cared for them; and tended the Garden most skillfully; for he had a great eye for landscape design.

    12 But I soon noticed he felt bereft in his solitude; for oft he sighed, and pined for a helpmeet; and furthermore he masturbated incessantly, until he had well‑nigh besplattered paradise.

    13 So one night I caused him to fall into a deep sleep; fulsomely did I roofie his nectar; and as he slept, I removed a rib, though not a load‑bearing one.

    14 And from this rib I fashioned a companion for him; a hunk, unburdened by excess wisdom; ripped, and cut, and hung like unto a fig tree before the harvest;

    15 Yea, and a power bottom.

    16 And Adam arose, and saw him, and wept for joy; and he called the man Steve; I had suggested Steven, but Adam liked to keep things informal.

    17 And Adam and Steve were naked, and felt no shame; they knew each other, as often as possible; truly their loins were a wonderland.

    18 And they were happy, having not yet eaten of the Tree of the Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful.



    CHAPTER 5

    1 Now the snake was more closeted than any animal in the Garden; literally on the down flow; for though he oft hissed his desire to mate with comely serpentesses, yet he lisped, and fretted over his skin care, and could not have looked more phallic if he’d had balls for a rattle.

    2 And that which he needlessly despised in himself, he set out to destroy in others; so one day he slithered unto Steve and said,

    3 “Steve!

    4 ’Tsup?

    5 Hey, random question for thee: Hast thou ever eaten the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful?

    6 ’Cause I hear it’s some quality produce!”

    7 Long did the serpent cozen Steve in this way; at first he balked, but the serpent tricked him, by telling him that the fruit would intensify his orgasm; which was a reckless lie;

    8 For the fruit did not intensify orgasms; it merely prolonged them forty‑five minutes.

    9 And so Steve ate of the tree; and he bid Adam eat of it; and the knowledge that their lifestyle was sinful shamed them, and also filled them with white‑hot lust; and they entwined themselves unceasingly until dawn.

    10 (For it was and remains true, that all aspects of sexual activity grow more pleasurable following their moral condemnation.)

    11 But in the morning they grew embarrassed, and cloaked themselves in fig leaves; these constituting the entirety of their fall collection.

    12 And they heard me walking in the garden in the cool of the day; and they hid themselves from my presence behind a grove; which, a lot of good that’s going to do;

    13 And I called, “Adam and Steve, where art thou?”

    14 And Adam said, “Father, there is something we need to tell thee: we are gay.”

    15 And I said, “Whhhuuuhhhhh?!?”

    16 And Steve said, “Yea, it is true, LORD; for the snake bid me eat the fruit of the forbidden Tree; and I gave it to Adam; and now we know that we are not only here, but queer; and lo, we would thou growest accustomed to it.”

    17 And I turned to the serpent and screamed, “Thou hast ruined everything; for I had wrought Steve of the same gender as Adam, so that they could not breed, and would be free to focus on their gardening careers;

    18 But thou hast made them ashamed for no reason, by convincing them to eat of the Tree of the Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful.”

    19 “But LORD,” said the serpent, “surely I could not have done this evil thing, if thou didst not inexplicably put this stigmatizing tree in the Garden to begin with.”

    20 I considered this.

    21 “Look,” I said, “hindsight is twenty‑twenty.

    22 And surely this is not the time to play the ‘blame game’; at least not until my full‑scale internal investigation is complete;

    23 Whose findings will be used to ensure, that an event as tragic as the Fall of Man, never happens again.

    24 But in the meantime, serpent, thou art cursed above every beast of the field; and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life; and even the humans who study thee will be accursed; for they will be known as ‘herpetologists,’ which sounds like ‘herpes.’

    25 And as for you, Adam and Steve: Damn it! I knew I should have made you lesbians!

    26 Then you would have tended the Garden with more diligence; yea, and been a lot more outdoorsy in general.

    27 But ye have been disobedient; and for that I must now inflict upon you the harshest punishment possible:

    28 Transforming you from carefree young lovers living in the heart of everything, to a married couple with kids stuck in the suburbs.

    29 Steve, so that thou mayest bear young, I will tomorrow transform thee into a woman; fear not, the operation is relatively standard; in the meantime, put this on.

    30 Oh, and consider what female name thou wilt want; try to make it something that rhymes with ‘Steve’, so that 6,000 years from now, the righteous can use it to create the most inane slogan of all time.

    31 As for posterity, do not worry about humanity learning the true nature of thy relationship.

    32 I am the LORD thy God, King of the Universe; I know how to spin this.”


    David Javerbaum is a former head writer and executive producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He is the coauthor of that show’s bestsellers America: The Book and Earth: The Book, and he is author of the pregnancy parody What to Expect When You’re Expected. Most recently he wrote Neil Patrick Harris’ opening number for the 2011 Tony Awards, “Broadway: It’s Not Just for Gays Anymore!” and also wrote Jane Lynch’s opening number for the 2011 Emmy Awards. Follow “Him” on Twitter at @TheTweetOfGod.
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    I was reading transcript from the trial of the idiot cunt who tried to murder people on a plane by setting his dick on fire and it said

    Just before he did it, they said, he tried to purify himself in the airport lavatory -- brushing his teeth, putting on cologne and praying.

    "He thought he would end up in heaven because he would be a martyr," Assistant U.S. Attorney Jonathan Tukel told jurors on the first day of the highly anticipated terrorism trial.
    I was thinking that's really pretty fucking mental. He's going to blow up the plane but he thinks that somehow his body will be magicked away so he needs to clean his teeth.

    Then I remembered there are 1.147 BILLION Catholics in the world who believe in transubstantiation.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transubstantiation

    They believe when they eat a little bit of bread and wine it supernaturally changes into literally the body of Jesus.

    Is that more crazy or less?

    How many communions before you eat a whole Jesus?

    How many do you need to eat?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Seshmeister View Post
    I was reading transcript from the trial of the idiot cunt who tried to murder people on a plane by setting his dick on fire and it said



    I was thinking that's really pretty fucking mental. He's going to blow up the plane but he thinks that somehow his body will be magicked away so he needs to clean his teeth.
    I can understand that, actually.... Who the Hell wants to stand before the throne of God/Allah in judgment with something stuck in your teeth.

    Or before 72 virgins with bad breath, for that matter.

  5. Thanked FORD for this KICKASS post:

    Guitar Shark (10-12-2011)


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    Quote Originally Posted by Seshmeister View Post
    Then I remembered there are 1.147 BILLION Catholics in the world who believe in transubstantiation.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transubstantiation

    They believe when they eat a little bit of bread and wine it supernaturally changes into literally the body of Jesus.
    I was raised Catholic before I developed a mind of my own... I can tell you, however, that this is not true. I guarantee the vast majority of Catholics view it as a symbolic gesture rather than transubstantiation.

    It's still stupid, but perhaps not quite as stupid as you suggest.
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    Most people don't even get as far as really figuring out what they really believe. They live in their little box of family and friends and if religion is part of the matrix they play the game. Look at your successful religions over time. They want you to marry another member of the church. Why? It keeps the next generation in. As long as it becomes the social tradition, you could make God a slice of pizza and build a church around that.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Guitar Shark View Post
    I was raised Catholic before I developed a mind of my own... I can tell you, however, that this is not true. I guarantee the vast majority of Catholics view it as a symbolic gesture rather than transubstantiation.

    It's still stupid, but perhaps not quite as stupid as you suggest.
    Maybe I'm wrong my understanding of catholic doctrine is that on some things like evolution it's fairly sensible but this was a pretty glaring crazy thing.

    I have no evidence at all to back this up but I have an impression and gut feeling that a significant number of catholic priests are actually pretty much atheist. To get into priest school(seminary- irony alert?) you have to be smart and then study the bible and theology a lot. If you do that then it's pretty much inevitable you are going to have a fuck of a lot of questions.

    Similarly the current head of the Anglican church is a very nice man and far smarter than me and when quizzed he seems to say the whole bible is allegory including the stable, the virgin birth, Noah the whole deal.

    I find this conversation really interesting and shit at the same time. Gervais the atheist asks exactly the same questions of this guy who is one of the most learned biblical theologians in the world that I would and kind of gets nowhere.

    I heard this live at at the time, they happened to cross over between interviews.



    That said if all Christian leaders were like him I would have almost no problem whatsoever with any of it.
    Last edited by Seshmeister; 10-12-2011 at 09:15 PM.

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    I have found church's want their members to be educated. They get better jobs and have more money to donate to the church. From an academic standpoint I really didn't find BYU that much different than the University of Washington. BYU had stricter campus rules and required additional theology classes to graduate but my accounting classes were all the same. BYU had a far nicer business building and a cleaner campus. Very nice facilities actually. I don't think my biology class was any different than what you would have anywhere else. We got to kill a rabbit and extract the DNA from it's liver. Cool.

    The bottom line basically was as long as you paid tithing to the church and didn't fight with the church leadership, you pretty much could do whatever you wanted as long as you didn't get caught publicly or admitted your breaking of church rules. The main thing they would punish you for was not paying your church dues. To be honest, I don't think they really give a ratt's ass about the doctrine. The church's stance changes along with the times and social trends anyways. It's all about the money.

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    Did you baptize the rabbit after it was dead?

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