"The Ched Chunkhead Opens His Insufferable Piehole And Inserts Both Feet" Thread

[Nickdfresh]

I'm not saying people should throw rocks at people on stage but....

Yeah. Molotov Cocktails would've been better in this case...

[Panamark]

I had heard the name because it used to show up a couple of times each year from the early 80s in the Kerrang quotes of the year as Dave used to take the piss out of him but I had never heard his music. Kind of like Ted Nugent he didn't translate outside the US.

The reason he can now do a theater tour with Chickenshit is much more about the work Joe Satriani has put in over the last 30 years in Europe than Hagar. His one novelty record never worked in a country with a speed limit of 70.

Proud to say I still havent listened to "Cant Drive 55" all the way through. 70 is your limit ?
Thats gotta be MPH, we are on kilometres, 110 on freeways but everyone sits on 120.
Whats really funny here are the derestricted zones. You can do any speed you
want in these zones. They have no allocated limit.

Amazingly these are normally off the map dirt tracks, such
as the road up to our farm. Its a bit of a tease as you know
you can floor it, but the road is not up to it. 140km/h is
as fast I can get the old 4WD Landcruiser to go before I start
losing control... heheheh. But yeah ? 55 ? I've never seen a speed
zone sign in Oz marked 55. Hagar's "Stairway to Heaven" would not have
made any sense even if they did play it

[JJtheVagPounder]

So tonight I'm sitting in my art history class discussing a painting depicting Abraham about to sacrifice his son Isaac (or whatever). Anyway, t-t-teacher starts going into the backstory of Abraham and his first wife couldn't have children. Well, back then polygomy was cool, and he ended up taking first wife's chamber maid, HAGAR, as his second bride and she bore him Isaac (or whatever). So, Hagar bore the son and then first wife made Hagar leave.

I'm getting to the point....

I raised my hand because, fuck, no WAY that's what I heard. So I ask, and prof says, "Yeah, Hagar." I then ask if she sang shitty rock music to which he got a good chuckle out of. The kids in class didn't get it, but whatever. I thought it was funny.

Well VAiN found it funny as well and of course asked if she ruined Van Halen. "Probably. I think she talked about love and dreams and couldn't ride her donkey 55 or something." Man art school can be so much fun sometimes.

[BITEYOASS]

Now for something fuckin' hilarious, and it ain't even photo-shopped.

[Nitro Express]

So tonight I'm sitting in my art history class discussing a painting depicting Abraham about to sacrifice his son Isaac (or whatever). Anyway, t-t-teacher starts going into the backstory of Abraham and his first wife couldn't have children. Well, back then polygomy was cool, and he ended up taking first wife's chamber maid, HAGAR, as his second bride and she bore him Isaac (or whatever). So, Hagar bore the son and then first wife made Hagar leave.

I'm getting to the point....

I raised my hand because, fuck, no WAY that's what I heard. So I ask, and prof says, "Yeah, Hagar." I then ask if she sang shitty rock music to which he got a good chuckle out of. The kids in class didn't get it, but whatever. I thought it was funny.

Well VAiN found it funny as well and of course asked if she ruined Van Halen. "Probably. I think she talked about love and dreams and couldn't ride her donkey 55 or something." Man art school can be so much fun sometimes.

Yup. Having lived in Israel for a year I learned the Jews consider themselves the chosen seed of Abraham because they think they come from Abraham's first wife Sarah. Hagar was not a wife but a concubine. Certain Jews claim this is the line the Arabs come from and that makes them less. Of course I must agree. Anything from Hagar is less.

[Nickdfresh]

Proud to say I still havent listened to "Cant Drive 55" all the way through. 70 is your limit ?
Thats gotta be MPH, we are on kilometres, 110 on freeways but everyone sits on 120.
Whats really funny here are the derestricted zones. You can do any speed you
want in these zones. They have no allocated limit.

Amazingly these are normally off the map dirt tracks, such
as the road up to our farm. Its a bit of a tease as you know
you can floor it, but the road is not up to it. 140km/h is
as fast I can get the old 4WD Landcruiser to go before I start
losing control... heheheh. But yeah ? 55 ? I've never seen a speed
zone sign in Oz marked 55. Hagar's "Stairway to Heaven" would not have
made any sense even if they did play it

It doesn't make much sense here either anymore, since most of the country is now 65mph on most highways unless it's near an urban/suburban area...

[fourthcoming]

Now for something fuckin' hilarious, and it ain't even photo-shopped.

Damn, Spammy needs a haircut

[JJtheVagPounder]

Yup. Having lived in Israel for a year I learned the Jews consider themselves the chosen seed of Abraham because they come from Abraham's first wife Sarah. Hagar was not a wife but a concubine. Certain Jews claim this is the line the Muslims come from and that makes them less. Of course I must agree. Anything from Hagar is less.

I thought that HAGAR (goddamn that's funny!) was cast out because she already had a son, Ishmael (or whatever) and thus was a filthy, filthy whore.

But come on, that's funny.

[Panamark]

Now for something fuckin' hilarious, and it ain't even photo-shopped.

Gives the Sheep pen even more validity !

[Nitro Express]

I thought that HAGAR (goddamn that's funny!) was cast out because she already had a son, Ishmael (or whatever) and thus was a filthy, filthy whore.

But come on, that's funny.

I'm just repeating what some Jew in Tel Aviv told me. I haven't cracked open a bible in years and who knows, maybe the story varies with whatever translation you are going off of.

[Panamark]

It doesn't make much sense here either anymore, since most of the country is now 65mph on most highways unless it's near an urban/suburban area...

That MPH/Kilo difference always fucks with my head when I drive in the US. On top of the fact that you
guys are all on the wrong side of the freakin road and the driver has to sit where the passenger normally does !

[JJtheVagPounder]

I'm just repeating what some Jew in Tel Aviv told me. I haven't cracked open a bible in years and who knows, maybe the story varies with whatever translation you are going off of.

Personally I've never read it so you may be completely right. But it's the principal!

[VAiN]

I thought that HAGAR (goddamn that's funny!) was cast out because she already had a son, Ishmael (or whatever) and thus was a filthy, filthy whore.

It was true then, and it's true now... that fat fuck is a complete whore.

[JJtheVagPounder]

It was true then, and it's true now... that fat fuck is a complete whore.

And the party continues...

[chefcraig]

Michael Anthony and Sam Hagar on the day they cooked up Chickenfool...

Hagar The Horrible

The real Hagar site: http://www.hagarthehorrible.net/

[TJMKID]

Now for something fuckin' hilarious, and it ain't even photo-shopped.

Picture of Hagar's dead Mommy! She let the mop top get in her eyes --- that way she didnt have to see Sambo slipping his old cock between those gnarly teeth....

[Hardrock69]

Ooops...

SUBJECT: Your review of Red: My Uncensored Life in Rock could not be posted to Amazon.com

Dear Sesh,

Thanks for submitting a customer review on Amazon. Your review could not be posted to the website in its current form. While we appreciate your time and comments, reviews must adhere to the following guidelines:

http://www.amazon.com/review-guidelines
We encourage you to revise your review and submit it again. A few common issues to keep in mind:



• Written reviews must be at least 20 words long. The ideal length is 75 to 500 words.
• Your review should focus on specific features of the product and your experience with it. Feedback on the seller or your shipment experience should be provided at www.amazon.com/feedback.
• We do not allow profane or obscene content. This applies to adult products too.

LAFF MY FUCKING ASS OFF!

That last line says it all. I don't even need to know exactly what you said Sesh.

Overall, this thread is a piece of classic comedy!

[rustoffa]

I was watching the Styx behind the music deal the other night. Eventually, after Dennis told all about his light allergies and hatred of all things hard rocking, they discussed following Sammy Hagar on their Roboto play at a festival. Like they could see the tail lights leaving down the highway after two songs or whatever. Hagar, then the Roboto play.....lots of people contemplated the final solution that night.

[Panamark]

What I really want to know is, was it sober or Drunk Sesh that submitted
Im picturing all kinds of Mikey and Sammy dildo references and extreme abuse
about lies and exagerations that the red tampon is famous for inventing
on the spot !

Sesh, post what they rejected !!

[Panamark]

RUSS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crazy grate to see your name !! As good as the latest Van Halen snippet !

[rustoffa]

Great to see you as well Mark! Long story short, I love the way that VH Torch looks on the front page.....It's surreal.

[Panamark]

I love how Sarge remembers all the old traditions and stays true to them.
Its great to be around and see the torch blazing away, I havent felt this
excited for an album for over 20 years. Never thought I would feel
that way again. This is a sweet ride

[Golden AWe]

I'd like Heater to stay. One day he'll recover...

[Carmine]

That MPH/Kilo difference always fucks with my head when I drive in the US. On top of the fact that you
guys are all on the wrong side of the freakin road and the driver has to sit where the passenger normally does !

[Hardrock69]

RUSS! WTF! WELCOME BACK DUDE!

Bleater may or may not recover. If he is anymore than "half"-wit, he will eventually realize that continually trying to praise the Spamulus The Inferior will only get him flak from everyone else around here.

But then, he is a masochist, so he may just continue on, in the hopes of being abused.

[ian_hitmanhart]

Sammy is so fucking boring. Its hard to get angry when you cant actually make it through the article without dosing off. He's just a bitter fat bum with clown biting off a band he was in years ago. Stick to making awful tasting tequilla and playing clubs with Chicken Shit.

Van Hagar played Dave's tunes because they HAD to. You'll never here Van Halen play "Why Cant this be Sam" ever again. And all is right with the world. I'd rather have a Van Halen with Wolfgang and Dave than a Van Halen with Hagar and Anthony (as much as I love Mike, its the price you have to pay not to hear shit music by the little red rocker).

[Zing!]

I'd rather have a Van Halen with Wolfgang and Dave than a Van Halen with Hagar and Anthony (as much as I love Mike, its the price you have to pay not to hear shit music by the little red rocker).

EXACTLY!

[Hammy5150]

I didn't mind some of the VH songs with Sammy. Certainly not as good as the music they did with Dave but I didn't think it was all bad. But Sammy's constant whining these days has definitely made me think much less of him and that era of music with the band. I understand there is some bad blood but move on with your life for God's sake. The more he whines and talks shit about the VH, the more of a moron he makes himself look like.

I do think it is funnier the hell how many more plays on You Tube that "Tattoo" has had compared to Chickenshit's last single... in a little over a week!

I will enjoy watching the new VH album put Sammy's shit to shame.

[SNIPER]

What a sad, bitter little man he is.

[MUSICMANN]

The fat red round idiot, has to constantly put down VH to stay some what relevant. The old saying goes, even bad press is better than none at all. He knows that since 1985 he has road off the coattails of the VH name and if he had not joined the band he would have been out of music at that time. It's like pro wrestling. even though he doesn't want to be the bad guy, he knows that if he keeps the bashing going, he becomes the anti VH and by default, keeps a small following that will continue to support him and Chickenshit. With that album only selling 50,000 copies, and the amount of positive press Tattoo is getting and also the amount of pure hype about the upcoming album and tour, it's not hard to see that he now realizes his place and is just a bitter fat fucker.

[GreenEyedMurder]

I thought that HAGAR (goddamn that's funny!) was cast out because she already had a son, Ishmael (or whatever) and thus was a filthy, filthy whore.

But come on, that's funny.

Ishmael was fathered by Abraham, before Sarah was able to get pregnant. Hagar (who was actually Egyptian royalty) and Ishmael were cast out because they mocked Sarah when she was unable to get knocked up.

[GreenEyedMurder]

What a sad, bitter little man he is.

Can you blame him? He puts together this self-described "super group" and they just released an album that nobody outside of diehards has heard of, let alone bought. Then VH is about to release an album that is a throwback to the band's roots (ignoring the blight known as the Van Hagar Years), and neither the media nor fans can get enough. The first single off the new VH album is all over the news, and Chickenfoot would be lucky if they could get McDonald's to give away theirs with Happy Meals.

The VH tour, album, these video tidbits, etc., are hot news, while most people (not the diehards) have never heard of Chickenfoot and some may be wondering what ever happened to the fat guy who looks like Sarah Jessica Parker and if he's still making music these days.

[DavidLeeNatra]

Wake up in the morning, in the middle of the night
Pass by the mirror, make sure I’m lookin’ right, uh

Tattoo it on my arm, on the back of your neck
In between your legs baby, so you won’t forget me, uh

Chorus:
Don’t you worry, its gonna be alright
I’m in a hurry, I’m gonna drive all night
Be there in the morning, you can bet your @ss
I got both hands on the wheel, and my big foot on the gas, uh

Whoooo

Well’uh, got houses of the holy, on the box
I got it all cranked up cause, yeah that shit rocks, uh
Gottta roll down the window, things are getting all hot
I’m runnin out of gas baby I gottta stop .. well

Chorus:
Don’t you worry, its gonna be alright
I’m in a hurry, I’m gonna drive all night
Be there in the morning, you can bet your @ss
I got both hands on the wheel, and my big foot on the gas yeah

I got my big foot on the gas

guitar solo

Well, got my imaginations, runnin wild
.......
I’m all by myself, ah I crackin up
Better get some rest girl, I’m all pumped up

Chorus:
Don’t you worry, its gonna be alright
I’m in a hurry, I’m gonna drive all night
Be there in the morning, you can bet your @ss
I got both hands on the wheel, and my big foot on the gas yeah
Right there ....
I got my big foot on the gas
Are you ready baby?
Big foot on the gas

[BITEYOASS]

Well the troll seems to have shut his trap so far.

[Unchainme]

I was bored today at my internship, and looked over something on google books about the start of MTV. There was actually a cool interview with the dude from from lost weekend, and per what he claimed dude couldn't even remember his FIRST day, and he even said that he smoked a joint with DLR. Fucking..awesome!

anyways, doing a quick google search on the band, I came across this shit:



If I could find one simple reason as to why fucking Van HAGAR and Sammy Hagar sucks balls in one statement, it'd be this.

I'm going to dissect this bit by bit.

First off, I hate Van Hagar, but I always felt that one of their view lone bright spots in pop culture was the "Right Now" video. It was humorous and pretty interesting. The song is quite mediocre, and Hagar nearly ruins it, so needless to say kudos to the director for attempting to make Van Hagar seem interesting.

For Hagar to rip it because people wern't supposedly focusing on his dumbfuck lyrics is fucking dumb. Fuck, for as much Roth is often criticized for wanting to be the center of attention and having an ego, at least it resulted in something productive and awesome. Hell, for Roth it worked like a dream. People may have been focusing on Miss Wayne Gretzky and her tits in the video, but I'll be damned if you can't find one person who grew up in that time period or is a fan of hard rock who doesn't remember the fucking lyrics for "Hot for Teacher".

Onto the 1st half about "Writing lryics about sex, and wanting to write about real issues". You know what Sam? That's why (among other reasons) you're music with the Van Halen bros. and MA SUCKED BALLS. Roth got it, he tapped into everyone's primal urges, he didn't try to pretend to be fucking U2, he knew what he was first and foremost. Van Halen always had an element of humor, in a very smart wise sort of way. Go fuck yourself Sam. I hope you run into DLR and the boys on the street and he karate kicks your teeth out.

[Seshmeister]

Joe is the only musician I have ever worked with that won't do his guitar solo until he knows what my lyrics are. I asked him why and he said,'Well I want to know what you're singing about, and I want to play that' Hagar says.

'Joe that is the worst guitar solo I've ever heard, it's a steaming pile of putrefied cheesy sub retarded crap'.'

'Exactly'.

[ELVIS]

edit

[ELVIS]

I love how Sarge remembers all the old traditions and stays true to them.
Its great to be around and see the torch blazing away, I havent felt this
excited for an album for over 20 years. Never thought I would feel
that way again. This is a sweet ride

BTW, it's nice to be back and to see you and many others as we count down the days...

[ELVIS]

And piss on Hagar!

This thread needs to DIE!!!

[indeedido]

[


In the past Hagar has criticized Eddie Van Halen as a songwriter,

“Eddie is a genius guitar player and he can really play and he’s got a million things he can lay on you but you’ve got to try to make a song out of it,

1. The six pack would disagree with you.
2. See #1