Kristy's 2013 NFL Prediction/Situation Thread

**Nickdfresh** · 05-26-2013, 11:39 AM

I further cunt'cure with the New England analysis as Tom Brady gently weeps in his Wes Welker shrine of Brokeback, unrequited homoerotic jock love...

**Kristy** · 05-26-2013, 05:57 PM

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A lot of folks are expecting the “nine’ers” to go all the way in 2013. San Francisco may just do that if they can survive another beating by at the hands of Baltimore (and even Seattle) which they won’t .Tattoo love child a pride leader Colin Kaepernickdick dressed in leather and plastic will continue to thrust his ball at other obviously fit men (for deep penetration) while other men dressed in tight spandex will be bending, squatting, stretching all around him, some may even try to grab in other to get him to stop his thrusting only Colin knows if he’ll let them. Meanwhile, macho “head” Jim “Am I Ever” Harbaugh will continue to strut on the sidelines looking at these men blowing by him. He may yell at them with his tongue rolling around in his mouth or he may let his hands to the talking. We shall see. 11 and 5 with a rainbow of trick plays.

Jacksonville Jaguars

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 They have a new logo and uniform. So I guess this means they are into fashion. Some douche named Gabbert plays QB, another named Maurice Jones-Drew allegedly runs with the ball and Gus wears the slacks. Rumor has it they reside in Florida and are a legitimate NFL team. Think I’ve seen them on TV a time or two – usually late on a bad cable show where there are a lot a reruns, you know, where the Sam-Wow guy got his start before he started bitch slapping hookers. Expect the Jags to be bitch slapped in 2013. 6 and 10

Baltimore Ravens

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 The NFL just won’t be the same in 2013 with their favorite murderer Ray Lewis now retired. Even Doomervil can’t replace his macabre talent nor can Joe Flacco’s pendulum arm, or Ray Rue Morgue Rice’s running save their horrific 2013 season. Even Pallas head John Harbaugh will have his bleak December when the other teams in the NFL are quoting “nevermore!” to their playoff hopes. 7 and 9 with no supernatural intervention.

**Kristy** · 05-26-2013, 06:19 PM

Buffalo Bills

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**redblkwht** · 05-26-2013, 11:17 PM

Originally posted by Kristy

Atlanta Falcons

Also in 2012, one can safely say the Falcons were the most impressive team in he NFL even if they did suck. I like Matt Ryan and the way he plays with a good head on his shoulders it's just too bad he has so many fuck ups and retards around him. Mike Smith is a control freak Nazi cocksucker and now with Tony Gonad Gonzalez retired, Matt is going to have a lot of trouble keeping his head in place. I say they kick the shit out of their NFC South rivals but just about everyone else is going to be kicking the shit of out them. A mediocre 8 and 8 with Matt in a 20 year coma.

Posted Mar 12, 2013

Head coach Mike Smith spoke to the Atlanta media Tuesday afternoon to discuss the decision by Tony Gonzalez to return to the Falcons for another year after Gonzalez put the odds of a comeback at just three percent during the postseason.

Got a pencil eraser? Just an Fyi...

**Nickdfresh** · 05-27-2013, 08:45 AM

Originally posted by Kristy

Buffalo Bills

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I HOPE they go 3-13. The Bills can't even fail correctly and keep going 6-10 or 7-9. Not good enough to do anything but not get a top draft pic...

**chefcraig** · 05-27-2013, 11:32 AM

Without a doubt, this thread is in the running for the Top Five Best Threads Of 2013. Simply outstanding, featuring some highly astute commentary.

Nicely done.

**Kristy** · 05-27-2013, 12:46 PM

Cleveland Browns

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New York Jets

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Let get ready to rummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmbllllle! Okay, let’s not. Strange team these Jets. For you would think that a man who worship women’s feet like one of the (former) players worships Jesus nothing could go wrong. The Jets really don’t so much remind me of flying as they do driving –especially when you see a terrible accident on the highway and you just slow down not so much out of curiosity but that you consciously want to see some carnage. Good thing the Jets provided this in abundance in 2012 for those of us with this weird fetish. Every week was a car wreck of momentous proportions. I know I got my rocks off. The whole Sanchaez/Tebow pseudo controversy, Santonio Holmes and his endless bellyaching, the unexplained Rex Ryan weight gain(s), the fans abandoning ship and joining other teams, owner Woody Johnson’s senility…all that was missing was Vincent Price to narrate. I say they also go 5 and 11 with Rex Ryan's wife suffering from toenail fungus and gout.

**Kristy** · 05-27-2013, 01:04 PM

Washington Redskins

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**Kristy** · 05-27-2013, 01:37 PM

Denver Broncos

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**Kristy** · 06-03-2013, 04:56 PM

Cincinnati Bengals

Hipster kids, they're everywhere these days. Why they love the "retro", the "vintage", the "vinyl", are the rudest people you ever met, usually unemployed or going to community college hoping to achieve an associate degree in graphic design or some other totally useless academia shit like psychology because they want to work with children when they find the time in between their Polaroid camera, driving Volkswagens and "blogging" at a local Starbucks. And by the way, those of you with children never, ever let them near a hipster kid. You've been warned. The Bengals of the dismal Cincinnati are the hipster kid(s) of the NFL; their horrid striped fashion sense should be a tale tell giveaway not mention the Bengals are by far the most god damn laziest team in franchise history. You see, the Bengals are just too "kewl" to play football. It's more of a way to pass the time until they can find a job with their diploma in art. And everyone knows striped fashion is so vintage these days. 4 and 12 and the fashion police handing out tickets at the end of every game.

**PETE'S BROTHER** · 06-03-2013, 05:04 PM

Originally posted by Kristy

Green Bay Packers

No other player in the NFL has a bigger penis than Aaron Rodgers. Yeah I know the Packers are America's original blue collar team but I still fucking hate them! Why? It's all the hype and bullshit that surrounds this team and...they are from Wisconsin. Fuck Wisconsin. Say, besides Texas, there are is no other state in the Union that has more retards and social fuck ups than Wisconsin. Now, Rodgers and his huge penis will once again rise to the top in 2013 giving white collar season ticket holders a 13 and 3 offering.

i'll take it

**Kristy** · 06-04-2013, 11:38 AM

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Cosplay. It's a growing and somewhat disturbing phenomena. Basically Cosplay is where one "dresses up" as their favorite comic book character and attends shows with other dressed up losers who can't get aid even if they were a piece of carpet in a hotel lobby. Cosplay is so big these days that I'm not at a surprised it found its way into the NFL. The "Buccaneers" are allegedly pirates but everyone knows pirates like to smash other men in the face with pianos between bours of heavy drinking and pussy chasing. Captain Greg Schiano with fellow shipmates Josh Freeman and Darrelle Revis would rather chase contracts and future draft picks busts. Arrrggghhh, matey! Look for the Bucxs to leave a trial of parrot droppings with a 4 and 12 and to be ridiculed at this years' Comic Con.

**Kristy** · 06-04-2013, 11:41 AM

I think that's it. I might have missed someone but who cares? Thanks for the replies even though there are some major grammatical errors and some were written more sucky than others (time restraints, that's my excuse) and yes, I know the math doesn't work out for wins and losses but who again, who cares? The NFL blows - bunch of overpaid shit actors it what it has become.

**TFM_Dale** · 06-04-2013, 01:05 PM

Originally posted by Kristy

I think that's it. I might have missed someone but who cares? Thanks for the replies even though there are some major grammatical errors and some were written more sucky than others (time restraints, that's my excuse) and yes, I know the math doesn't work out for wins and losses but who again, who cares? The NFL blows - bunch of overpaid shit actors it what it has become.

Even with your dislike of the NFL and most everything in general major props for this thread! Highly entertaining and cracked me up multiple times.

**Kristy** · 06-04-2013, 03:35 PM

Wow, I made a LOT of grammar errors here.

(time for glasses RX redux)

Kristy's 2013 NFL Prediction/Situation Thread

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