Pooty-poot Writes an op-ed in the NY Times

[FORD]

September 12, 2013
FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE
by Gary Legum
12:45 pm September 12, 2013

Hello! It Is I, Vladimir Putin!

Today Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote an op-ed for The New York Times in which he pleaded with the United States to be cautious in its dealings with Syria. Thanks to the type of journalistic legwork you have come to expect from your Wonkette, we were able to turn up the original draft of Putin’s op-ed, before his handlers and diplomats and people with a better command of the English language put their stamps on it. We present it here for your enlightenment.


Greetings, American swine friends. I write to you today from the great city of Moscow, where we are enjoying unusually balmy September weather of nearly 20 degrees on your Fahrenheit scale. Much warmer than relations between your President Obama and myself, yes? Certainly warmer than the liquid nitrogen rocket fuel I have just ordered our glorious Russian military to pump into our nuclear missiles in preparation for launch.

Ha ha, I kid! Is old Cold War joke, not unlike what your hero President Reagan used to make, yes? Please everyone go change mass-produced capitalist underwear from Hanes. I will wait.

You are back? Okey-doke, as you say. America, I speak to you today in your newspaper of record as your great friend. Everyone has that one friend like Russia: greater in land area, richer in natural resources, taller (yes! I am tall like mighty fir tree!), with the muscles and the charisma and the pure sexual magnetism that draws women to him in clubs while you sip club soda in corner before going home alone to shamefully masturbate into old gym sock. That friend who can out-drink you, out-fuck you, and storm into wilderness wearing only loincloth, to return with carcass of Siberian tiger he killed with bare hands.

America, you are great country. But you are one of many countries and very few of the others like you. Whether it is because of your arrogance or your pervasive hegemonic culture, or simply your continuing to export those McDonald’s fish filet sandwiches to every corner of the earth, I cannot say. But I must ask, have any of you ever eaten these fish filet sandwiches? Yebany v rot! I would rather eat one of the rolls of good Soviet toilet paper I used to stand on line for four days in winter in St. Petersburg with my beloved babushka to receive. Now I have toilet paper made of the softest fur of lynx I hunt myself on our glorious Russian taigas. Much better stuff, I am saying truth!

I understand your President Obama uses official White House toilet paper embossed with seal of the president, specially made for him by great capitalists at Charmin. Which is nice too. Perhaps he will bring me roll at next G20 summit, and I will bring him lynx fur, and we will have nice time. Perhaps sending a few rolls to Damascus will solve this crisis, even. Make President Assad less grumpy.

Speaking of President Assad, may I speak to you of him? I remind you if you say no that I am former KGB and can have you killed in your bed. Ha ha, is joke again! But seriously, you should probably check locks on your house. Especially you, Mr. H. Steinbrenner of 145 Golden Lane, Tampa, FL. (President Putin is big Red Sox fan.)

President Assad has long been great friend of the Russian people. He has bought so, so many of our weapons. Certainly he is now using those weapons to kill citizens of his country, but we did not know he would do that when we sold them to him. If I am salesman at your Best Buy and I sell you expensive video camera, and then you take camera back to your tastefully furnished suburban home, with recessed lighting and eat-in breakfast nook and unpayable mortgage, to film child pornography, who am I to stop you? It is now your camera and your home and I, the great salesman, am now assistant assistant manager at Best Buy. Everybody wins!

Besides, maybe filming your child pornography will keep you occupied so that you will not spend your time acquiring nuclear weapons and blow up any Middle Eastern oil fields, thus throwing world economy into disorder. If that were to happen, how would you export your McDonald’s fish filets to all corners of globe?

America, I hope this is now making the sense to you.

So what is to be done here, about Syria? Well, America could fire some of your missiles at it. But then you would not have those missiles anymore, and you Americans love to own things. You are very fond of your cars and your televisions and your home margarita machines. And those missiles cost you good money! You should keep them, they will be collector’s items someday, like Carl Yastrzemski rookie card.

Also if you fire these missiles at President Assad, you are firing them at his great personal friend: me, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, president of Russia and supreme awesome hunter who once tracked and killed Siberian bear with own hands while wearing nothing but camouflage parachute pants and necklace made of gulag prisoners’ teeth. Why would you do that to President Putin? I thought we were friends! I put your hero Edward Snowden up for a few months! I even offered your president toilet paper I made myself from lynx fur!

America, once again I am disappoint. But you can still get back in my backside. Or is it good side? Silly English idioms! Yes, please to tell your president you prefer our new plan of repossessing all of President Assad’s weapons. He has been late on his payments anyway. My cousin Sergey has truck, I will send him over to Damascus with a few guys he knows to take weapons back. We will store them in safe place until Assad comes up with payments or someone else wants to buy them, and there will be no more need for President Obama to interrupt America’s Got Talent (Tuesday nights on your NBC!) to make speech to you again. He loves giving speech, yes? Once at summit in Turkey he went on and on and on at dinner until one of my deputies fell asleep with his face in his plate of manti. When he awoke he had heat blisters and looked like undercooked chicken. Oh, we laughed and laughed!

Anyway, you will tell your president this. Or I will kill you.

Sincerely your great friend,

Vladimir Putin

[FORD]

Wait a minute.... what's this?

with the muscles and the charisma and the pure sexual magnetism that draws women to him in clubs while you sip club soda in corner before going home alone to shamefully masturbate into old gym sock.

How does Putin know C-dog?????

[Kristy]

What is he, like 12?

I seriously doubt he wrote this. Although have to agree with him on the McDonald's angle.

[FORD]

What is he, like 12?

I seriously doubt he wrote this. Although have to agree with him on the McDonald's angle.

No, actually that was a parody. I just thought it was a pretty good one.

But in the interest of fairness, I guess I should post Pooty's real article.......

[FORD]

September 11, 2013
A Plea for Caution From Russia
By VLADIMIR V. PUTIN

MOSCOW — RECENT events surrounding Syria have prompted me to speak directly to the American people and their political leaders. It is important to do so at a time of insufficient communication between our societies.

Relations between us have passed through different stages. We stood against each other during the cold war. But we were also allies once, and defeated the Nazis together. The universal international organization — the United Nations — was then established to prevent such devastation from ever happening again.

The United Nations’ founders understood that decisions affecting war and peace should happen only by consensus, and with America’s consent the veto by Security Council permanent members was enshrined in the United Nations Charter. The profound wisdom of this has underpinned the stability of international relations for decades.

No one wants the United Nations to suffer the fate of the League of Nations, which collapsed because it lacked real leverage. This is possible if influential countries bypass the United Nations and take military action without Security Council authorization.

The potential strike by the United States against Syria, despite strong opposition from many countries and major political and religious leaders, including the pope, will result in more innocent victims and escalation, potentially spreading the conflict far beyond Syria’s borders. A strike would increase violence and unleash a new wave of terrorism. It could undermine multilateral efforts to resolve the Iranian nuclear problem and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and further destabilize the Middle East and North Africa. It could throw the entire system of international law and order out of balance.

Syria is not witnessing a battle for democracy, but an armed conflict between government and opposition in a multireligious country. There are few champions of democracy in Syria. But there are more than enough Qaeda fighters and extremists of all stripes battling the government. The United States State Department has designated Al Nusra Front and the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, fighting with the opposition, as terrorist organizations. This internal conflict, fueled by foreign weapons supplied to the opposition, is one of the bloodiest in the world.

Mercenaries from Arab countries fighting there, and hundreds of militants from Western countries and even Russia, are an issue of our deep concern. Might they not return to our countries with experience acquired in Syria? After all, after fighting in Libya, extremists moved on to Mali. This threatens us all.

From the outset, Russia has advocated peaceful dialogue enabling Syrians to develop a compromise plan for their own future. We are not protecting the Syrian government, but international law. We need to use the United Nations Security Council and believe that preserving law and order in today’s complex and turbulent world is one of the few ways to keep international relations from sliding into chaos. The law is still the law, and we must follow it whether we like it or not. Under current international law, force is permitted only in self-defense or by the decision of the Security Council. Anything else is unacceptable under the United Nations Charter and would constitute an act of aggression.

No one doubts that poison gas was used in Syria. But there is every reason to believe it was used not by the Syrian Army, but by opposition forces, to provoke intervention by their powerful foreign patrons, who would be siding with the fundamentalists. Reports that militants are preparing another attack — this time against Israel — cannot be ignored.

It is alarming that military intervention in internal conflicts in foreign countries has become commonplace for the United States. Is it in America’s long-term interest? I doubt it. Millions around the world increasingly see America not as a model of democracy but as relying solely on brute force, cobbling coalitions together under the slogan “you’re either with us or against us.”

But force has proved ineffective and pointless. Afghanistan is reeling, and no one can say what will happen after international forces withdraw. Libya is divided into tribes and clans. In Iraq the civil war continues, with dozens killed each day. In the United States, many draw an analogy between Iraq and Syria, and ask why their government would want to repeat recent mistakes.

No matter how targeted the strikes or how sophisticated the weapons, civilian casualties are inevitable, including the elderly and children, whom the strikes are meant to protect.

The world reacts by asking: if you cannot count on international law, then you must find other ways to ensure your security. Thus a growing number of countries seek to acquire weapons of mass destruction. This is logical: if you have the bomb, no one will touch you. We are left with talk of the need to strengthen nonproliferation, when in reality this is being eroded.

We must stop using the language of force and return to the path of civilized diplomatic and political settlement.

A new opportunity to avoid military action has emerged in the past few days. The United States, Russia and all members of the international community must take advantage of the Syrian government’s willingness to place its chemical arsenal under international control for subsequent destruction. Judging by the statements of President Obama, the United States sees this as an alternative to military action.

I welcome the president’s interest in continuing the dialogue with Russia on Syria. We must work together to keep this hope alive, as we agreed to at the Group of 8 meeting in Lough Erne in Northern Ireland in June, and steer the discussion back toward negotiations.

If we can avoid force against Syria, this will improve the atmosphere in international affairs and strengthen mutual trust. It will be our shared success and open the door to cooperation on other critical issues.

My working and personal relationship with President Obama is marked by growing trust. I appreciate this. I carefully studied his address to the nation on Tuesday. And I would rather disagree with a case he made on American exceptionalism, stating that the United States’ policy is “what makes America different. It’s what makes us exceptional.” It is extremely dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation. There are big countries and small countries, rich and poor, those with long democratic traditions and those still finding their way to democracy. Their policies differ, too. We are all different, but when we ask for the Lord’s blessings, we must not forget that God created us equal.

Vladimir V. Putin is the president of Russia.

[WACF]

Russia the peace broker....The US the war monger.

Strange times...

[FORD]

Strange days indeed......

[Zing!]

I'm convinced coming up with the nickname 'Pooty-Poot' is the greatest accomplishment of Dubya's political career.

[FORD]

[jacksmar]

So....
how much does a 1 1/2 hour phone call to Russia cost? A little late for phone sex.

Ubama is without doubt the the dumbest boy cunt that has ever been prez. Even too dumb to remember Bush's Georgia move in 2008.

I have an idea,,

Bomb the fuck out of Iran while putzy is busy...............

[FORD]

Why don't we bomb the fuck out of Florida instead? Unlike Iran, they have actually done things to harm this country.

The stolen 2000 election being the most obvious example. The CIA flight school that trained Mo Atta and his pals (financed by BCE coke smuggling) would work too. Not to mention idiots running around killing children over loud music and bags of Skittles.

[FORD]

And BTW... if Barry hooked up the "Red Phone" to the Vonage International calling plan, he could call Pooty and all the other foreign leaders for just $9.99/month

http://www.vonage.com/world-calling-plans/vonage-world?refer_id=WEBHB090201002W1&iCMP=v_com_HomePage_HB_LearnMoreLink

Is it a secure line? With the NSA tapping ALL the phones, what the fuck does that even mean anymore??

[jacksmar]

Why don't we bomb the fuck out of Florida instead? Unlike Iran, they have actually done things to harm this country.

The stolen 2000 election being the most obvious example. The CIA flight school that trained Mo Atta and his pals (financed by BCE coke smuggling) would work too. Not to mention idiots running around killing children over loud music and bags of Skittles.

See if your little mind understands this:

As a true commie lib asshole you might get this..........





Let me know if you need any assistance; satan can assist.

[jacksmar]

And BTW... if Barry hooked up the "Red Phone" to the Vonage International calling plan, he could call Pooty and all the other foreign leaders for just $9.99/month

http://www.vonage.com/world-calling-plans/vonage-world?refer_id=WEBHB090201002W1&iCMP=v_com_HomePage_HB_LearnMoreLink

Is it a secure line? With the NSA tapping ALL the phones, what the fuck does that even mean anymore??

Barry White????????????

[FORD]

Well.... his mom was.