Lawdy knows I have zero respect for Jimmy Page. Plagiarist, horrible fashion style, and nowadays a sad little man, Page has continues to be ass-licked to death in most musical circles. Why this imbecile maintains such a strange currency is beyond me. My best guess is he is one hell of a smart businessmen and that I’ll give him credit for. His company Zeppelin Incorporated still churns out a profit when many others from his era are either bankrupt or dead.
Jimmy Page has done much with little assets. Only 8 studio releases in the company’s career span these dreadfully recorded and produced offerings never failed to be as boring as today as when they were first released over some 40 fucking years ago. One can guess by Page’s tremendous occupational skills he knew the right people to hire – from his shitty band mates up to the engineers who had to endure such mindless drek. No question Page was the dick who ran the show.
Total dick
Over the years the interest in Zeppy & Co. has faded. Much of it replaced by copycat bands who took Jimmy Page’s blueprint of blues-stealing, riff-bashing, mindless soloing into the heavy metal waters of musical boredom. There wasn’t one spandex butt-plugging, effeminate-hair sporting, little cock swaging MTV act who wasn’t mimicking Page’s trade – particularly in the late 1980’s. Now I won’t dwell into that nonsense any further because for one, it’s an entirely different story.
Many Zeppy Heads ask me why I hate this asshole as if Page is some sort of a saint immune from all criticism. Truth is, I do hate him. I hate this shithead more than any other fucker on the planet and yes, that includes your George Bushes and Karl Lagerfields. My answer is simple: Page destroyed music. Well, particularly rock ‘n’ roll. Yes I know, what really killed rock was the limey and their dull-as-fuck “prog rock” with tunes about spaceships and maidens and silly cosmic shit. That was bad enough but Page took it one step further. He made rock ‘n’ roll pretentious.
Everybody with any fucking musical sense knows pretentiousness does not belong. It turns people into assholes. And assholedom is what Jimmy Page was and still is all about. Suddenly rock stars who were in the Zep shadow became assholes too almost overnight. A few escaped like T. Rex and The Modern Lovers but everyone else became zombiefied fuck Nazis with Les Pauls and Stratocasters. Remember when Paul McCartney used to be cool before Zeppy’s first album? Well, there you have it. Even your homoerotic pagan god David Lee Roth is an asshole and yes, you have Jimmy Page to blame.
"Whhhhaaaaat!? Whaddyyya mean Jimmy Page is why I'm such an asshole?"
If there is one constant in the whole god damn universe it’s assholeness. It never goes away. It reverberates in circles and when common sense takes over…look! Over your shoulder! Its assholeness coming back to fuck you in the ass like a jackhammer riding a tsunami. Case in point: The Led Zeppelin “remasters/deluxe edition” what-the-fuck ever marketing skills done by pissant college grads in Hugo Boss suits. Sure enough, Jimmy Page jumped on this gravy train and that fucker is going to ride it with your soul as fuel.
Corporate cocksucker is there ever was one
Like I said, Page is a clever businessman. He is re-releasing the re-releases in a new package but the abysmal music is still the same. That’s right, the rip-off remains the same. Page, being the smug, trendy, pseudo-intellectual that he really is has come to the conclusion of cliff hanging the Zep catalog. He’s pulled this shit before but now with ” 2013 digital remastering 20-bit blow me you cocksucker blowjob technology” he’s doing it again. Boy howdy!
As of June 3rd, 2014 Page is only releasing the first 3 Schepply offerings: Schepply I (The Con Album) Schepply II (The Hissy Fit Album) and Schepply III (The Mexican Gang Banger Album). It is Schepply II I will be focusing upon.
(Notice the Nazi unformed cover)
Schepply II was recorded in between touring breaks in late 1968 to early 1969. This piece of shit sounds like it, too: Haphazard, non-sequitur with piss poor overdubs and vocal tracks. Zep of course, was playing largely to white audiences so it only make sense they would make this a white album while insulting the black “blooz” artist they admir…er, ripped off. The song themselves (if you want to call them that) were inane mutterings of male genitalia being fascinated with female genitalia with lemons and floors. There were elements of hobbits, Hob-goblins, dwarfs and what appears to be a 3 minute anger management class masquerading as a drum solo. Of course there was the Page patented “blooz” theft but most Zeppy heads are too fucking stupid, stoned or senile to recognize this god damn travesty.
Hey Jimmy, why don't you get over here and suck my dick!?"
Schepply II starts off with ‘Whole Lotta Love’ an originally penned Willie Dixon tune about date rape. An unimpressive distorted sophomoric guitar “riff” attempts to be bombastic but only ends up annoying the shit out of you. Page pretty much set the standard for what was to follow. It only goes downhill from here. Page knows he can go into his bag of tricks so many times without sounding like the joke he is so he leaves it up to the engineers and a lot of studio gimmicky. There is a lot of unnecessary panning, overkill vocals dubs while Page’s crappy soloing becomes unhinged.
‘Thank You’ is downright fucking retarded. Cliché lyrics about “mountains and seas” while Plant praises his penis above all that is pure in nature. Page plays a 12-string so superfluously while the other two on the Zep payroll play along including the use of a Sunday school church organ. Yes, fucking ghey.
Side 2 of II manages to out embarrass side 1. Page’s playing is abominable; selfish sloppy solos, disjointed riffs and poorly mixed overdubs. ‘Ramble On’ is Simon & Garfunkel with Hobbit lyrics. No real depth to any of the songs. ‘Moby Dick’ is unfuckinglistenable and the ending ‘Bring It On Home’ Page drives the knife of plagiarism to the hilt. Just a terrible, terrible record.
As for the technical details of the 2014 “remastering” eh, a lot of the tape hiss gone or just below ear level of being noticeable. Page’s Lesbian Paul sounds raw for the 1969 recording equipment of mics and tape limitation(s). Drums are louder but that is not a plus; the real star here is the 1962 Fender Precision Bass because it sounds like a 1962 Fender Precision Bass should sound – y’know “bassy.” You can really hear the confines on Plant vocal styling and conclude without a doubt he was an overrated singer only later to have his balls cut off by Page to keep the corporation going.
Class act
The “Companion Disc” is a bit of a disappointment. There is nothing special to be found here. Much if it is engineer backing tracks that Eddie Kramer himself wished remained in a vault. Page has nothing to offer being the con man he is – many records have unvocalized tracks laying around. Sound more like a play along with Zep than anything remotely exciting. The only upshot to any of them is how much of Zeppelin’s sound was actually Kramer and just how dismal of a musician Page really was. Of course, that won’t stop any of your cretin assholes from buying this crap.
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Originally Posted by binnie
