Kristy's 2014 NFL Prediction(s)!!!!!

[Kristy]

I'm only going to do this in segments because the NFL blows so I'll start off with the NFC East.

The Dallas Cowboys


In 2013, Tony “Sonny Bono” Romo proved that once again he is no Tim Tebow. A dismal 8-8 record not only demonstrated how shitty the Cowboys truly are, but how shitty Texas and anything associated with that abortion clinic destroying state can be. Even with the addiction of CB Morris “Covergirl” Claiborne won’t hold much promise as Jerry “Chlamydia Hot Tub-Infected” Jones is running the show. Same fucking boring Cowboys, same fucking expectations for suck in 2014.


"Pull my finger."

Actually, it never does matter who the NFL’s favorite Brokeback Mountian team has, The Cowboys are never going to another Super Bowl until McScrooge shitpants dies. That’s a shame, too because the gay rodeo of Texas has a lot of talent. Sucks that Jason Garret will have to another humiliation perp walk every week,. Dude deserves so much better.


Prediction: 7 and 9 with Romo stroking his F A T cock over his ego.

Philadelphia Eagles


The Eagles came on strong(er) in 2013 once they wised the fuck up and dropped known enemy of Sarah McLachlan Vick for Nick “Staying Frosty Fucker” Foles. Nick is kind of dick, though. A contract cry baby and a hangnail pussy in the clutch. Of course, this is what one expects of the Eagles every year. There are some highs, but mostly its lows as the fans blame everyone but themselves for having such a shitty, miserable team.


Chip's ninth grade high school yearbook photo. No shit

Oh, and just how well with Chip “Offense” Kelly’s college gimmicks work out for his arthrosclerosis ass in 2013? Fuck, what an embarrassment. “We’ll be coming at ya,” he yammered like a sick beached up sea otter in 2013. Yeah, that shit went over well. Eagles cannot draft for shit, either. Picking up some receivers and corner backs who will most likely wish they were playing somewhere else. More boring than a librarian on Quaaludes lecturing on what paint is drying in a dentist’s office is like. Fuck them.

Prediction: Who even cares?

The Washington Redskins


Redskins 2014 team photo

No, not going to the “is it not SHOCKING” how after all these years, their name is still racist” horseshit. Yeah, okay, it is racist but really, it just fucking stupid. Just a stupid, stupid fucking name. Washington is all about corruption, partisan bickering, and $500 an hour whores who beat the shit out of senators. No one in that town seriously give a shit about football much less what retarded name they have.

"Yes, it's a "meat" sandwich."

Good news about the Redskins is that Shanahan is long gone; the bad news Daniel Snyder is still the owner. So make of that what you will. Which is not much when you stop to think RGIII will continue to have his ass kicked by a lame O-line. Don’t know who they drafted in 2014 to make up for this but I really don’t care. Whenever the Redskins play on a Monday night it also does not matter who the opponent is, I’ll always switch over to watch some crap rerun of Two Broke Girls and play with my vibrator until the cows cum home.

Prediction Eh, they win some and lose some.

New York Giants


Another less than satisfied Giants fan

So sick of anything that is associated with a Manning. Plus, you have Tom “Coughing” Coughlin hacking up his Irish sputum allover Met Life Stadium once a play or call does not go his way. What a sad, sad senile toolsack with a pair of Depends under his sweatpants and denture implants. Can he just fuck off to play golf, bridge, or shuffleboard somewhere? The dude is just friggin’ wEiRd. The angry old white guy with a Petek Philippe watch a bunch of Shriners to watch his back.


Um, the locker room is the other way, Eli

Speaking of watches, there is Eli “Eco Drive” Manning. Watching him play is like watching an episode of Sesame Street. Say Eli, can you tell us who you should throw the fucking ball to? Hint: he plays on your team. What is that you say, that is no hint at all? This is why they drafted you a running back in the fourth round. There is no one clueless in the NFL than Eli Manning. No one.

Prediction: 6 and 10 with OverPeyton appearing on Letterman before Eli ever will.

[chefcraig]

The front office for roughly 28-30 NFL Teams at this moment:

[PETE'S BROTHER]

giddy with anticipation...

[Kristy]

The New Orleans Saints


The Saints OTA's look good in 2014

There is no doubt whatsofuckingever that the NFC South is the dullest in the entire NFL. You’re either an asshat, clueless or a loser if you follow any one of these teams. Granted, there are some breaks in the clouds and possibly the Saints allow for some sunlight in an otherwise horrid division. Problem with the Saints is that they are far from being a shitty team (from an athletic perspective) the head office and coaches that fuck it all up. Some impressive players on the Saints from Drew “Blue Balls” Breeeeeeeeze to Brandin Cooks to whathisface…that Coleman douche. There’s no shortage of offensive firepower to be found but didn’t I say something about the upper up? Sean Payton is a self-righteous asshole who loves to suck the dick of owner Milty Benson and the both of them are nothing more than a bunch of b-movie gangster wannabes staring in a NFL franchise.

Tom “Milty Milk Man” Benson Buttfucker had to know about the 2012 fiasco of defensive coaches putting out “hits” on other franchise players. That shit alone should follow this team for the rest of their miserable existence no matter what they win. Problem is no one in the Saints organization seemed to have any problem with this as long as no one was caught. So fuck them. Their schedule states they play the Lions in mid-October with that psycho Ndonkey Kong Su who I hope will rip the spine of out Drew’s body and eat it all Walking Dead style on live TV. The Saints deserve zero respect in 2014. They should be spat on at every opportunity given. So fuck you, Saints fan.

Prediction: Oh, they will win a lot of games and easily win their division because if there is one constant about the Saints it is the fact they love to piss other teams off when it comes to playoff and wildcard hopes. I’ll say 12-4

Carolina Panthers


Average Panthers fan in therapy after witnessing the trauma of the 2013 season

Zzzzzzzz…Zzzzzzzz…Zzzzzzz. I’ve seen paint dry in dentist offices that was more exciting than watching the Carolina Panthers. They are the Redskins of the south. They draft high and play low. Having chosen that date rapist from Florida Kelvin whathisname and Tyler Gaffney the ‘pants will not let you down in demonstrating they have no offensive schemes as Cam “Still In Therapy” Newton continues to stand statuesque on the sidelines clutching a towel to his head practicing Zen Buddhism instead of giving a single shit about the game. Why in the fuck this Prozac crybaby is employed in the NFL is beyond me. What’s so sucky about the NFL is how they ever allowed for a major franchise team to be named “Panthers.” Kind of ghey. If the NFL are going place a team in the south named it something like the “Walmart NASCARS.’ Apart from the name, this teams sucks on so many levels. Ron “Coach Of the Year” Rivera will be back trying to figure out what all those “X’s and O’s” on the chalkboard really mean and how he can use them to win a god damn game.


Towel therapy will once again be in fashion for 2014

Then again, who can blame him? Besides the date rapist what has Cam to work with? That Cotchery dude? Jason Avant? Who? The Panthers are nothing more than a gimmick team without a gimmick. Maybe the defense might save them here and there but beyond that, there is nothing to see from them in 2014.

Prediction: 6 and 10. Most likely won’t happen but that’s what I’m going with.

Atlanta Falcons


Atlanta's new offensive scheme

Each year I am optimistic for Atlanta and each year they manage to fuck it up. Why, fuck me, they have both Matt Ryan and Devin Hester AND fourth round pick Toilolo! Yet, they cannot sustain drives, keep defenses off-balance, and bury the knife in opposing teams. Ryan can be a pussy when it comes to winning. So many problems with this team. One is coach Mike Smith. Does he suffer from some sort of tentative hypnosis when his team is getting their ass kicked? Second is owner Arthur Blank a rich racist Jew who believes in Confederacism. Actually, I made that up.


Team owner Arthur Blank

Atlanta is the NFL Viagra in that they start with the biggest hard on and then go flaccid when opposing teams like to play rough. Desman Trufant is a perfect example of this. That dude has more safe words than a southern Baptist preacher does at a gay BDSM bar. Such a strange team with a stranger stadium and even stranger fans.

Prediction: I want to say Atlanta will go 10 and 6 in 2014 but just can’t. More like 9 and 7 with a post season erection that will last over 4 hours.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers


Mike who..?

Oh right, them the “Buccaneers” a NFL team so innocuous they might as well be the Arizona Cardinals. Former Bears all around nice guy and token black coach Lovie “love me for my mind” Smith will be in the captain’s chair for the 2014 season. Personally, I care so little about this team that I have no idea who Mike Glennon is much less Vincent Jackson or Mason Foster. No wonder they are banking high on free agency in 2014 to pull them out of the doldrums of suck. The Bucs are betting on defensive to do what Lovie cannot (can you say “Rex Grossman”?) but seeing they are in the NFC South even if someone does make a play no one will remember. Again, the Buc are the Cosplay of the NFL.


Bucs fan ready for the 2014 season

I see the Buccaneers getting less revenue than their counterpart the Dolphins from TV in 2014 which is good because there is only so much boredom an average NFL fan can take from the NFC South. Also, they are owned by another major Jewish Kabbala known as the Glazer Family who have an estimated net worth of over 4 billion but give little to a city that has a 10.2% poverty level. So yeah, I’m playing that card and going there and if you were a wise Bucs fan you’d avoid going to any of their games until they get some sort of an identity and quality charities going.

Prediction: 6 and 10 but no one will notice what they do.

[Kristy]

I don't know what is more boring: me or the NFL.

[Mushroom]

Believe me, you are less fun than the NFL but I can't wait to read your prediction for the Chargers! I stopped buying lottery tickets so I can save up and bet on football!

[Kristy]

The AFC West will be the last division I'll do. For reasons not worth saying.

[BITEYOASS]

Detroit Lions are going to win the Super Bowl! Why are they going to win? Because FUCK YOU!

[PETE'S BROTHER]

Detroit Lions are going to win the Super Bowl!

in 2026?

[Kristy]

NFC North

Detroit Lions


2014 Detroit Lions team photo

The Lions are a team that I am starting to warm up to. After so many years of suck owner Martha Firestone “Exploding Tire” Ford Explorer – a female owner mind you has it right: to win games you need thugs. Either that or she has a genie that comes out of her vagina. Detroit has more thugs than a Tupac CD. For one, they have NDonkey Kong Su who cut his teeth in football playing for the date rapist college team Nebraska. Nowadays NDonkey Kong Su is the most heavily fined player in NFL history; the dude is so fucking insane he received a $100,000 fine for knocking the shit out of Vikings lineman John Sullivan. Don’t tell me traumatic brain injury no longer happens in the NFL. Nick Fairley plays dirty, too as does Ezekiel Ansah. Wonderful ensemble these Lions.


Stafford after meeting with his agent

Matt Stafford is also perfect for the Lions: white and retarded but not too retarded. In 2013 the dude made 4 mil a year to be a condescending asshole to the rest of his team. Now in 2014 accomplished with nothing more than a faltering QB rating he signed a deal to bleed the Lions dry with a $76 million dollar contract. What class. According to USA Today Stafford’s deal “… gives the team some downside protection and him a chance at a third mega-deal while he's still in the prime of his career.” Of course no mention of winning but who needs to win in Detroit anyway? I mean, take a good look around. I’d take the $76 mil and run at the prime of my career, too if I lived in that shithole city.

Prediction: 8 and 8 so they’ll break even while Donkey Dick breaks the bank with more fines.

Green Bay Packers


Packers work ethic

Yeah, the Packers. How…exciting! It’s not that I hate the Packers it’s just all the white trash, cheesehead, beer-swilling F A T fucks who just happen to make up the majority of being their fans. America’s blue collar team my ass. Take Aaron “Porn Stache” Rodgers for example. In 2013 Aaron earned over 35 million watching sitting his F A T ass on a bench. So did Randall Cobb. So did Nick Perry. So Did James Jones. Sounds like a bunch of freeloaders to me. As for their labor that actually does work, the ‘Packs drafted extravagantly on offense taking wise receiver Davante Adams, Tight end Richard Rodgers (no relation to the lazy dude) and wide receiver Jeff Janis. No running back? Oh, that’s right, they have Eddie Lacy who managed to run for over one-thousand yards in 2013 and still could not find the end zone…much but way more than union QB Matt Flynn ever could.


Devotion or what!?

Look for the Packers to bring in usual rift-raft of white trash, obese future stroke victims, and Walmart shoppers in 2014. Abortion is still legal in Wisconsin and by judging from the array of Packers fans that you can see why. Wisconsin is also one of America’s increasing police states where swearing in public can land you a night in jail. Lastly, they have Governor Scott Walker one of the most corrupt, sexist, racist and homophobic pieces of shit to ever run that state yet, somehow, loves the porn stache on Rodgers. Go figure.

Prediction: The Packers have a somewhat light schedule in 2014 playing the Buccaneers, Eagles and Panthers. I’ll say 11 and 5 depending upon if Rodgers wants to work or not.


Chicago Bears


A man's man

One cannot help of thinking about the Bears without Jay Cutler. That man is a dichotomy in the NFL. One day he is the biggest pussy whiner the next he is getting his ass seriously kicked by Linval Joseph and taking it like a man. Cannot blame him though. Cutler has been playing on one of the worst offenses in the NFC for years. There is not one name on the Bears O line worth mentioning and there never will be as long as Marc “The Narc” Trestman is running the show. It’s no wonder the Bears drafted heavily on defensive than giving a shit about cry baby Cutler. Yes, I know they went after some free agents but even that experience (or lack of) is not going to stop Cutler from having another tooth from being knocked out of socket.


Masturbates to Cutler every night

To this day, I am in awe of how so many Bears fans can stay devoted to this team. Must be because they are too fucking F A T to root for anyone else. One Championship back some 30 years ago means little now. It’s also interesting to note the Bears also have a female owner Virginia Halas McCaskey – a woman so old she farts out Model T’s.

Prediction: Not much improvement form 2013 where “da Bearz” went 8 and 8. Maybe 9 and 7 – maybe. Depends on how many teeth Cutler has left to give.

Minnesota Vikings


Going to a tailgating party in Minnesota

Coached by Mike Zimmer, a man who always looks angry even while smiling cannot bring this team to any level of respectability in the NFL. Christian Ponder? Forget it. Cordarrelle Patterson? Nope. However, this team named after barbaric raping nomads and looters still possess Adrian Peterson a true freak of nature. Shame that such a powerhouse of talent will waste the best years of his career playing for a team so mediocre even circus clowns, emo kids and post-partum mothers become depressed and suicidal when watching them. Peterson can only carry this team so far in both revenue and accountably and his knees have proven that. A 53-man roster and little balls is what the Vikings are all about.


Suck it, bitch.

I’m also willing to say that their 1st round picks will be bust. Teddy Bridgewater? Eh, a 6”2’ token; Anthony Barr may fare much better but again, a serious lack of balls on this team will turn him into another Peterson. And speaking of which, why in the fuck would you waste a third round pick on a running back when you have Peterson? What a fucked up team.

Prediction: 5 and 11 with a lot of calls to suicide crisis hotlines all across Minnesota.

[VetteLS5]

in 3026?

Fixed

[PETE'S BROTHER]

NFC North

Prediction: The Packers have a somewhat light schedule in 2014 playing the Buccaneers, Eagles and Panthers. I’ll say 11 and 5 depending upon if Rodgers wants to work or not.

he broke his fuckin' collar bone

[Kristy]

I'll break my "fuckin'" collar bone for 35 million anyday.

[PETE'S BROTHER]

i don't think i like this..

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nfl-sh...130425708.html

[chefcraig]

he broke his fuckin' collar bone

[Kristy]

Yeah, I know I've been S-L-O-W in finishing this. This nonsense is taking more time than I originally thought. Plus, I have been running low on weed and can only do this shit while on some powerful weed.

[Kristy]

NFC West

Saint Louis Rams

Rams mascot

The Rams have been the NFL’s own charity work since their move in 1994 or 5, who really gives a shit? It’s rather difficult to explain The Saint Louis Rams season after season when all they do show up for work although they kind of don’t. Paradoxes aside, The Saint Louis Rams are a team with a lot of talent from QB Sam Sam Bardford; linebacker James Laurinaitis and wide out Tavon Austin. So why are they not winning games? Well, look no further than Jeff Fisher. As a NFL coach, Fischer’s record from his time with the Oilers, Titans, and now the Rams is pathetic. Fisher was the NFL’s leading douchebag in having his bullshit red flag challenges overturned which should give anyone with a half a brain just what a shitty coach he truly is. In zone coverage defense(s) Fisher loves to throw the ball; in a nickel package loves to run and on 4th and 1 will “go for it” when the ball is on the opposing team’s 35 yard line. Now many NFL diehards will defend Fischer claiming he is more of a “defensive man” but here some examples of those who tend to think otherwise about Jeff Fischer:

”Dude's a fukin bum and I fukin hate him and everything about him and the meth louis rams.”

”He was called .500 Fisher around here, dem 8-8 seasons.”

”I hated him when he was with the Titans. Bonehead play caller. I'm so glad they got rid of that bum.”


Rams OTA's in 2014

What else can be said about the Rams in 2014…what is the controversy surrounding them? Oh right, the draft of Michael Sam the NFL’s well, I would not say first, but first openly gay player. Michael Sam was brought in to play defensive lineman so he can tackle other big men while wearing tight spandex and leather. Seems like true entertainment to me. The NFL has been gay for years. It’s about time it caught up with 1962 in terms of cultural relevance.

Prediction: 4 and 12. They will never improve with Fischer.

San Francisco 49ers

Colin reviewing "film"

Colin Kaepernickaklink came on strong in 2013. He threw for over 3,000 yards and averaged over a 90.1 QB rating. So take that, OverPeyton Manning. Kaepernickaklink is the camp leader of an impressive array of talent. Anquan Boldin his Kinchloe; Vernon Davis his Lobo; Michael Crabtree his Sgt. Carter; Brandon Lloyd his Newkirk and Marcus Lattimore his Sgt. Schultz because he cannot run the ball for nuffink because he knows nuffink. Kaepernickaklink’s only dilemma is Coach Jim “Hogan” Harbaugh who keeps on throwing a monkey wrench in his brilliant schemes. Yeah, I know this sounds fucked up and ass-backwards but make your own fucking predications, okay!?

Harbaugh stands firm on the blown call on 4th and 1

San Fran is my pick to win the gawd-awful, highly pretentious, and truly boring Super Bowl in 2015. Why not just name that shit the “Advertising Bowl?” This can only be done if Kaepernickaklink’s stalag does not go all out M*A*S*H* with injuries and unnecessary drama. Kaepernickaklink is a one man air force.

Prediction: 14 and 2. Going all the way to corporate American central while taking down Nazis.

Seattle Seahawks

Seahawks in shape to beat women get drunk and drive cars

Funny team the Seahawks. They managed to outscheme, outplay and outperform the overrated Broncos when it came to the punch. So why is it they receive little if no respect from the rest of the NFL? Can’t be the usual assortment of wife beaters and date rapists, can it? Running back Spencer Ware was arrested for a DUI; or backup QB Josh Portis taken in for what’s this…a DUI?; how about when Leroy Hill was arrested after police say he beat the living shit out of his girlfriend and kept her in his home against her will. Who cares? They won the Super Bowl and that is all that matter with the intelligence that is your average NFL fan.

Russel Wilson attempting to hide another bad haircut

Many “experts” are flapping their gums about how Seattle with return to the Super Bowl in 2015 (with the Broncos, how dull). This remains to be seen. If the players can stop getting drunk, beating their wives and Russell Wilson stops doing shitty commercials for Micro$oft while getting an even more shitter haircut and Marshawn Lynch quits dressing “gangsta.” There is the high probability that San Fran has a serious score to settle with Seattle and I really hopes that fucks up Pete Carroll’s ego for the last time.

Prediction: 12 and 4 with anger management therapy classes.

Arizona Cardinals

Cardinals team photo 2014. One for your sins

Are the Cardinals still in the NFL? I guess if the Raiders are so must be the Cardinals. This goes without saying seeing Arizona is the most forgotten team in the entire NFL many are starting to believe they have been nothing more than a desert mirage. Does not mean they have not been drafting like a HUD home in the dead of winter. For one, Carson Palmer needs help if not looking for a new job but enough about his therapy. Hey Carson, can you say Logan Thomas? Troy Niklas looks sloppy; John Brown will be overshadowed by Larry Fitzgerald; and Walter Powell – a 6th round pick prone to injury. So that leaves defense Deone Bucannon looks good but a safety position is not what this team needs. They would do much better in Montana, Maybe Alaska.

Bruce Arians showing his better self

The Cardinals also have one of the strangest coaches in the NFL with Bruce Arians. I mean, the dude is just fucking WeIRd. The Pango fill-in cancer boy made some rather odd if not some of the most boring plays while interiming for the Colts in 2011 or whenever that was. Just run the ball on every down until the other team grows tired of chasing you. Brilliant strategy, Bruce. Here is some Steeler fan wisdom that is Bruce Arians:

”When we dropped him off late at night out in the country, you guys should have never picked that stray dog up.”

Prediction: Apart from the Eagles, Raiders and Rams Arizona has a bitch of a schedule so 3 and 13 with Arians back in an animal shelter.

[Nitro Express]

I don't know what is more boring: me or the NFL.

The NFL is pretty goddammed boring. I haven't paid attention since the last strike. It's full of spoiled idiots who never think what they are getting is enough. It used to be football players were just happy to be in the NFL. Everything else was a nice bonus they appreciated. Not anymore. They are entitled so fuck em.

[Mushroom]

How 'bout them Chargers!

Kristy hurry and finish your fucking predictions! I can see all that dope smoking has killed your motivation.

[Kristy]

Not going to happen. I've written enough about these date-raping, wife beating, over paid turd burglars. YOU finish it.

[Mushroom]

Ok: Super Bowl champion prediction: San Diego Chargers

[Kristy]

No.One.Cares.

[PETE'S BROTHER]