I'm only going to do this in segments because the NFL blows so I'll start off with the NFC East.
The Dallas Cowboys
In 2013, Tony “Sonny Bono” Romo proved that once again he is no Tim Tebow. A dismal 8-8 record not only demonstrated how shitty the Cowboys truly are, but how shitty Texas and anything associated with that abortion clinic destroying state can be. Even with the addiction of CB Morris “Covergirl” Claiborne won’t hold much promise as Jerry “Chlamydia Hot Tub-Infected” Jones is running the show. Same fucking boring Cowboys, same fucking expectations for suck in 2014.
"Pull my finger."
Actually, it never does matter who the NFL’s favorite Brokeback Mountian team has, The Cowboys are never going to another Super Bowl until McScrooge shitpants dies. That’s a shame, too because the gay rodeo of Texas has a lot of talent. Sucks that Jason Garret will have to another humiliation perp walk every week,. Dude deserves so much better.
Prediction: 7 and 9 with Romo stroking his F A T cock over his ego.
Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles came on strong(er) in 2013 once they wised the fuck up and dropped known enemy of Sarah McLachlan Vick for Nick “Staying Frosty Fucker” Foles. Nick is kind of dick, though. A contract cry baby and a hangnail pussy in the clutch. Of course, this is what one expects of the Eagles every year. There are some highs, but mostly its lows as the fans blame everyone but themselves for having such a shitty, miserable team.
Chip's ninth grade high school yearbook photo. No shit
Oh, and just how well with Chip “Offense” Kelly’s college gimmicks work out for his arthrosclerosis ass in 2013? Fuck, what an embarrassment. “We’ll be coming at ya,” he yammered like a sick beached up sea otter in 2013. Yeah, that shit went over well. Eagles cannot draft for shit, either. Picking up some receivers and corner backs who will most likely wish they were playing somewhere else. More boring than a librarian on Quaaludes lecturing on what paint is drying in a dentist’s office is like. Fuck them.
Prediction: Who even cares?
The Washington Redskins
Redskins 2014 team photo
No, not going to the “is it not SHOCKING” how after all these years, their name is still racist” horseshit. Yeah, okay, it is racist but really, it just fucking stupid. Just a stupid, stupid fucking name. Washington is all about corruption, partisan bickering, and $500 an hour whores who beat the shit out of senators. No one in that town seriously give a shit about football much less what retarded name they have.
"Yes, it's a "meat" sandwich."
Good news about the Redskins is that Shanahan is long gone; the bad news Daniel Snyder is still the owner. So make of that what you will. Which is not much when you stop to think RGIII will continue to have his ass kicked by a lame O-line. Don’t know who they drafted in 2014 to make up for this but I really don’t care. Whenever the Redskins play on a Monday night it also does not matter who the opponent is, I’ll always switch over to watch some crap rerun of Two Broke Girls and play with my vibrator until the cows cum home.
Prediction Eh, they win some and lose some.
New York Giants
Another less than satisfied Giants fan
So sick of anything that is associated with a Manning. Plus, you have Tom “Coughing” Coughlin hacking up his Irish sputum allover Met Life Stadium once a play or call does not go his way. What a sad, sad senile toolsack with a pair of Depends under his sweatpants and denture implants. Can he just fuck off to play golf, bridge, or shuffleboard somewhere? The dude is just friggin’ wEiRd. The angry old white guy with a Petek Philippe watch a bunch of Shriners to watch his back.
Um, the locker room is the other way, Eli
Speaking of watches, there is Eli “Eco Drive” Manning. Watching him play is like watching an episode of Sesame Street. Say Eli, can you tell us who you should throw the fucking ball to? Hint: he plays on your team. What is that you say, that is no hint at all? This is why they drafted you a running back in the fourth round. There is no one clueless in the NFL than Eli Manning. No one.
Prediction: 6 and 10 with OverPeyton appearing on Letterman before Eli ever will.