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Thread: Ralph Saenz: If You're Gonna Do A VAN HALEN Reunion, You Can't Have Your Son Playing

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave's Bitch View Post
    But what about Wolfie?, Wolfie's cool
    Oh he's the coolest! Just a super swell neato player. And the greatest singer ever! Can you get me an autograph?
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    Quote Originally Posted by DONNIEP View Post
    Oh he's the coolest! Just a super swell neato player. And the greatest singer ever! Can you get me an autograph?
    Did you know he's Ed's son?. Probably not because it never gets mentioned and all, but he totally is. I bet once this juicy snippet of information gets out, he won't be able to take more than 3 steps without being jumped and ravaged by women
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave's Bitch View Post
    Did you know he's Ed's son?. Probably not because it never gets mentioned and all, but he totally is. I bet once this juicy snippet of information gets out, he won't be able to take more than 3 steps without being jumped and ravaged by women
    I did hear that but I thought it was all just a nasty internet rumor. See, the story I heard was that Wolfie was actually a faith healer who used a pair of Holy Ear Buds to suck the drunkeness out of Ed and then used his Jedi Mind Trick to convince Ed to hire Dave. Because nobody else on the planet had ever thought to say, "Hey Ed, nobody wants to see your shitty band anymore unless Dave is out front". Amazing, isn't it?

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    Quote Originally Posted by DONNIEP View Post
    I did hear that but I thought it was all just a nasty internet rumor. See, the story I heard was that Wolfie was actually a faith healer who used a pair of Holy Ear Buds to suck the drunkeness out of Ed and then used his Jedi Mind Trick to convince Ed to hire Dave. Because nobody else on the planet had ever thought to say, "Hey Ed, nobody wants to see your shitty band anymore unless Dave is out front". Amazing, isn't it?
    What ever it was, he sure did a fine job. He even managed to suck the darkness out of Ed's filthy meth mouth. What a swell guy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave's Bitch View Post
    What ever it was, he sure did a fine job. He even managed to suck the darkness out of Ed's filthy meth mouth. What a swell guy
    I forgot about Ed's Filthy Methy Mouth! Yes, that truly was a miracle! Maybe he can use his powers to bring back Dave's hair...or his voice!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by DONNIEP View Post
    I forgot about Ed's Filthy Methy Mouth! Yes, that truly was a miracle! Maybe he can use his powers to bring back Dave's hair...or his voice!!
    The hair would be great, but what I miss is the Iron Man mask, that thing was fucking awesome. hell, go one step further and have Dave wear the costume to go with it, Picture this:

    The stage is black, there is smoke creeping in. Suddenly a lone spot light comes on and illuminates our savior, the mighty Wolfie. He thumps away the opening to RWTD, then lights blaze on and the song kicks in. Dave then comes flying out shooting lasers and shit, pyro going crazy. This would fix so much. A little spectacle, new stage, and best of all with Dave dressed as Iron Man, he could sing in a robot voice. Everyone is a winner

    Pretty awesome, huh?

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    Holy shit - that's the greatest idea EVAH!!!! The robot voice would solve everything! They could even do a kick ass cover of Mr. Roboto!

    They need to bring back the bass solo too! Just picture it, the stage goes dark, then you hear Mike's old solo starting up and wolfie comes out dressed in Mikey's old 1984 tour outfit! No, even better - he's hanging on a cross and dressed like Jesus! Then, just when he's really bangin on the bass, he rises up off the cross and flies around the arena - kinda like Kay Perry did but less gay - and he has this rig that shoots copies of VH Guitar Hero out of his ass into the crowd! You know, just to make sure everybody knows Mikey was never in the band.

    Oh man, what a killer fuckin show that would be.

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    I love it!. The Jesus thing is just the best. Jesus wore sandals, right?, I know a certain formerly filthy meth mouthed guy who could hook Wolfie up with a kick ass pair of striped Jesus sandals. Are these guys stupid or something?, why are they not doing this?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave's Bitch View Post
    I love it!. The Jesus thing is just the best. Jesus wore sandals, right?, I know a certain formerly filthy meth mouthed guy who could hook Wolfie up with a kick ass pair of striped Jesus sandals. Are these guys stupid or something?, why are they not doing this?
    YES!!! Wolf on the cross wearing EFMM Striped Flip Flops - Genius!

    Did you know Wolf actually invented a time machine? He did. He went back in time and not only did he give Ed the idea to name the band Van Halen, he also taught Ed how to play the guitar. It's true. Wolf was actually the guy playing bass on the original Van Halen records. And I have photographic evidence of it! That's right - this is the ONLY picture that has ever seen the light of day, documenting Wolf's role in the band:


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    That is not the ONLY picture, silly. You remember the cover of the first album?


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    How could I forget that? Yes, when Ed and Al finally wised up and removed Mikey from the album covers it was the right move. Best thing they ever did. And hell yes it was Ed and Al that physically worked the 'puter and photoshopped those pictures and then posted them. Or they hired Flappo to do it. I can't really remember now.

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    Quote Originally Posted by DONNIEP View Post
    How could I forget that? Yes, when Ed and Al finally wised up and removed Mikey from the album covers it was the right move. Best thing they ever did. And hell yes it was Ed and Al that physically worked the 'puter and photoshopped those pictures and then posted them. Or they hired Flappo to do it. I can't really remember now.
    I can imagine that raspy old fuck sat behind his computer and croaking "Play with Sammy, will he?. I'll show that fucker"

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave's Bitch View Post
    I can imagine that raspy old fuck sat behind his computer and croaking "Play with Sammy, will he?. I'll show that fucker"
    Probably in the corner of his smelly old studio..."Hahaha cough cough hack cough...I'll show that little fucker! Wolfie! Bring daddy another beer! Yes, I want another one dammit! I'm working. I don't care what your mom said. AL!!!! How the fuck do I C O P Y and what is this... P A S T E? Where's my damn beer???"


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    Quote Originally Posted by DONNIEP View Post
    I don't know man, just let Mikey sit in on a couple songs with Ralph and it sounds more like Van Halen than this current abortion.
    I'd be the first person in line to buy the album if the lineup was Ralph, Mikey, Eddie and Alex!

    Ralph and Mike and both major upgrades.....

    Dave is too damn old now.
    Dave will ALWAYS be the greatest, don't take what I said the wrong way.... his final hurrah was in 2001/02 when he was with the DLR Band screamin' and kickin' all over the stage... now he's past his expiration date.... this is why I look more forward to a laid back JOHN 5 album over fronting a band which requires youth and energy.... Dave can cut a good record with VH, no doubt.... but the live performances have past him by with his old age...

    Wolf can't touch Mike's stage presence or background vocals....

    Example: Mike can be seen backstage with a bottle of Jack Daniels with two groupie bitches in his arms....
    Wolfgang is backstage playin' Grand Theft Auto and making Angry Bird app tweets....
    Last edited by WARF; 02-26-2015 at 05:28 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by WARF View Post
    I'd be the first person in line to buy the album is the lineup was Ralph, Mikey, Eddie and Alex!
    Hippie.
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    Quote Originally Posted by WARF View Post
    I'd be the first person in line to buy the album is the lineup was Ralph, Mikey, Eddie and Alex!
    I would too! Fire Dave! No, wait, Fire Wolfie! No, Fire Ed! Just fire somebody and bring in a bunch of other people!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kristy View Post
    Hippie.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kristy View Post
    Hippie.
    Worse - he's half yankee!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by DONNIEP View Post
    Worse - he's half yankee!!
    Kristy is half male , and half female.... and 100% totally stoned.....

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    Quote Originally Posted by WARF View Post
    Kristy is half male , and half female.... and 100% totally stoned.....
    Oh no, she's all woman. And definitely not a hippie.

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    100% female - with a functioning vagina and limb. If only your washed up 1985 dog and pony act could do a song like this:

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    Best song ever!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kristy View Post
    100% female
    Hahahahahahaha...
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    Saenz was certainly right in that this current version of Van Halen isn't a proper reunion.

    Now, had Ed not started jamming with Wolfgang in 2005, and had Ed not brought Wolfgang in as a band member I doubt we would have had two tours with Dave, or the ADKOT album. Ed's basically still active with the band because he enjoys playing with his kid. We've seen what happens to Ed when he's left to his own (de)vices, and it's not a pretty picture.

    But let's not confuse that with anything along the lines of Wolfgang actually deserving to be in Van Halen as far as his talent/abilities goes. He did manage to acquit himself well on the ADKOT album and ADKOT tour (the first tour he did with the band in 2007-2008...let's just say the kid didn't look like he belonged onstage with the rest of Van Halen and leave it at that).

    But given the snail's pace Van Halen chooses to work at these days, and the meager creative output (Dave's been back in the band closing in on a decade now and we got two tours and an album [half of which were old demos re-recorded] - that's it), it really doesn't matter WHO is playing bass for the band these days.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Terry View Post
    let's just say the kid didn't look like he belonged onstage with the rest of Van Halen and leave it at that).
    Where's the fun in that?. Not like there is going to be anything else worth note from Van Halen, may as well rag on the kid some more

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    Quote Originally Posted by Terry View Post
    Saenz was certainly right in that this current version of Van Halen isn't a proper reunion.

    Now, had Ed not started jamming with Wolfgang in 2005, and had Ed not brought Wolfgang in as a band member I doubt we would have had two tours with Dave, or the ADKOT album. Ed's basically still active with the band because he enjoys playing with his kid. We've seen what happens to Ed when he's left to his own (de)vices, and it's not a pretty picture.
    I honestly believe the world would not have an Eddie Van Halen with us... had Wolfgang not taken an interest in music at the time and presented the opportunity to allow his father to do what he loves with his son.

    A brief reminder of the shape Ed was in during the 2004 tour and the Catherine porn era... that train wasn't heading to a nice destination.

    Rather than his son donating a guitar to the Smithsonian... we got the legend himself there to present his history. That was special... and rare.
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