Borowitz Report
September 29, 2015
Kochs Hope to Be First to Pollute Water on Mars
By Andy Borowitz
WICHITA (The Borowitz Report)—Just hours after NASA revealed the discovery of water on the surface of Mars, a spokesman for Koch Industries said that the company would spend billions to become the red planet’s first major industrial polluter.
“At Koch Industries, we are well aware that our practice of spewing over six million pounds of toxins a year into Earth’s water is not sustainable,” said the billionaire Koch brothers’ corporate spokesman, Harland Dorrinson. “That’s why this discovery of water on Mars is so exciting.”
The company hopes to conduct the first toxic-dumping mission to Mars by 2030—at a projected cost of three billion dollars, or roughly the price of four Presidential candidates, the spokesman said.
In response to a reporter’s question, the Kochs’ spokesman offered no opinion about whether the water on Mars could sustain life, saying only that it would be unlikely to in the future.
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