I want to welcome you to my band and my return to rock. This is a day many thought would never come... until JLT started blabbing it around the internet some time back. (And now you know why he's not the main singer like he thought he would be. Let that be a lesson to you.)
In Rainbow, I was known for firing people. Fortunately, you already know you're all being fired after four gigs. However, don't think I won't fire you sooner if you get out of line or talk to me pre- or post-gig.
I need to give you some instructions so you're prepared in how to be on stage with me and what will be happening with our special guests.
The first thing you need to know is that my side of the stage is just that... MY side of the stage. I will, on rare occasions, allow the singer to venture into my space. He will receive a subtle nod allowing him in. After 17 seconds (no longer) he will remove himself from my presence and return to center stage. This will occur no more than two times a show.
The bass player, under NO circumstances, will EVER come to my side of the stage. Please refer to the CalJam video for a sense of your fate should you forget. As a bass player in my band, your job is to be as noticeable as a black line drawn on a black piece of paper. Talk to Roger Glover about being fired for not doing anything wrong so you completely understand the tightrope you're walking.
Note that we will have special guests performing with us. We are quite excited that Ian Gillan will perform a few songs. He thinks he's doing Smoke on the Water, Highway Star and Perfect Strangers. However, as soon as he comes on stage, please start the riff to Burn. Remember to try to look serious so he doesn't know we're pulling his leg. For lessons on how to look serious, watch any video of me from my days in Purple and Rainbow.
Now we don't want to be cruel, so we'll just play the intro riff to rattle him, then stop. After that, start playing Child In Time. This time, don't stop... play that bugger all the way through or until his testicles burst. (Technical note: We'll be performing this song tuned a half-step UP just for laughs.)
If Gillan has any voice left, we'll do Perfect Strangers. I'm not totally heartless.
(Note that, for obvious reasons, we only expect Gillan to join us for one night.)
Our next guest will be David Coverdale. Since he just recorded an album featuring his Purple songs, Coverdale will be the one singing Highway Star and Smoke on the Water. We're working on another song to perform with Coverdale, but making sure none of them include an opportunity for him to sing "Oh baby" over and over. Just to be safe, Coverdale's other song may need to be 'A' 200.
Next up will be Glenn Hughes. He'll sing Mistreated solo just to piss off Coverdale. Although if Hughes shouts "WHOOP!" just one time, I swear I'll belt him with that cheap guitar I always destroy at the end of a show. If Hughes begins to sing or play any song from Stormbringer, gang tackle him and drag him off the stage.
If we can have Glenn all four nights, it will officially be longer than his time with California Breed. Also remind him it's not the 70s and he's 64 years old, so he needs to wear a shirt. White jacket is optional.
JLT will be joining us to do songs from Slaves & Masters. Why? Because it was a bloody good album! I still can't believe I got the others to let Joe in the band. Sometimes I get wistful thinking about the power I had in Purple back then.
I do like Joe, so I've told him to join us on stage for three songs from his era of Rainbow. What I haven't told him is that those three songs will be Difficult To Cure, Maybe Next Time, and Snowman. Gosh this is gonna be fun.
A couple of closing notes...
Each song will start with me, feature a solo by me, and ends with me. Each song will also feature a penny-whistle solo by Candice.
That reminds me... you will all dress in renaissance garb. Except for the bass player. It doesn't matter what you wear as no one will notice you. You're just the guy who blocks my eye-line with the keyboard player.
A few words about each night's encore... there won't be one. Although I've told Gillan there will be one. Thus, he'll walk out there all alone. The keyboard player should be hidden and ready to play Child In Time as he walks out there. Forget what I said earlier about not being heartless.
Finally, I want you to relax and enjoy the experience. After all, it's my first full-blown rock shows in about two decades and the first chance for my kids to see me rock in person. Don't let that pressure you in any way. Of course, we barely had the internet back when I last rocked. Can't imagine what a sh#t-storm it will cause if you guys blow it. Guess I wouldn't want to be in your shoes if this all goes south. I'm set, plus I've got that other gig where we wear funny clothes, so it doesn't matter to me. I'll already be paid for these four nights.
So let's have a great time! This will be the best four nights (possibly fewer) of your lives!
Ritchie
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Originally Posted by DONNIEP
