“Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.”
― George Orwell, 1984
Van Halen fact! Thanks to (MTV) “heavy rotation”, none of the original members of Van Halen are still in the band. Just like Napalm Death and Herman’s Hermits. (Oh, Roth! What have they done to your legacy?)
Once upon a time there was a public school educated band called Montrose (who had a frightfully F A T lead singer called Spammy). Montrose were experts in auto-proctological wank rock. So much so they made a lot of very dim boys – who all stank of wank and leftover pizza – feel very, very clever about themselves. Then along came punk rock. And punk rock killed Montrose but then along came Van Halen. And they said – “Weep not, you sad fucks. Wank rock is safe, for, lo, we are Montrose re-born”. And they were. They fucking were. The bastards. As to what happened next, I don’t know and, frankly, I don’t fucking care. What matters is they have rerereleased their original catalog and I have been listening to it. Oh joy. I mean look at this shit covers. Dead clever. Dead original. Dead 1980’s. Dead arty. Dead.
Umm, sorry, what were we talking about? Oh fuck, I’m only 15 seconds into ‘Jump.’ It feels like hours. No, sorry, that’s it. Off come the headphones. I’ve heard enough. It’s exactly what you’d expect from a Montrose tribute band. Which is cool. If you spent half of your life on a Roth tribute site still stinking of wank. Which isn’t cool. Is it? So buck your ideas up. Get a haircut. Smarten yourself up and take a trip down to your local Walmart for some shit that rocks, OK? Like the one by Taylor Swift or that F A T dude who stole her songs or whatever. (I mean I’ve thrown my iPod across the room into the dirty laundry basket and I can still hear it. Squeaking through the “iBuds”, evilly. Like a horribly hairy little Montrose mouse.
Eddie Van Halen today
Van Halen, why are you still here? It’s not as if you get “rediscovered” every few years. Like Gary "Woking’s Answer To David Bowie" Numan, is it? So why don’t you fuck off and die? Literally? I mean what the fuck could possibly still be keeping you alive? (Oh, and Frank Black out of The Pixies, if you’re reading this, you useless F A T fuck, that goes for you too, OK?)
Look, let’s bottom line this. When Van Halen had a singer called by the name of David Lee Roth they were fucking shit but at least they had an original singer.
Person 1: Have you heard that band, Van Halen?
Person 2: Yes, they’re fucking shit.
Person 1: Yes, but they do have a singer.
Person 2: Yes, that’s kind of interesting.
And then for a while they did not.
The ghey Disco Stu's
And fuck these “1/4 remasters.” I’m just surprised there is no insert inside the CD case is a CD shaped piece of paper which says that any of these remasters should be a 2 CD job so send even more fucking money and you’ll get the work of art in the form in which the artists originally intended it. Yeah, milk it, Van Halen, milk it. Make like the evil wasp, baby. Paralyze your victims with your vicious sting. Liquefy their internal organs with your deadly venom. Then suck ‘em out through your trembling proboscis. Everything – and I do mean everything - which belongs to Van Halen fans should, in an ideal world, belong to Van Halen. Including their skins. So sayeth the Lord (and meanwhile, in the dirty laundry basket, it’s still squeaking!)
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