On Track…Van Halen by Morgan Brown (2023 book)

[Warham]

I don’t know if anyone mentioned this book yet. I picked it up at B&N about a week ago. I wasn’t looking for it, I just found it while perusing the music section. It covers their total output from 1978-2015. I can give a more thorough review but overall it is very kind to the Dave era, kind of meh on Hagar and the Cherone album is considered an abortion.

[Von Halen]

Wow. I don't have that one. Going to have to get it. Thanks for posting that. Definitely you should do a review on it.

[Warham]

Wow. I don't have that one. Going to have to get it. Thanks for posting that. Definitely you should do a review on it.

Yeah when I have some time today I’ll do a deeper dive. It goes track by track on each album and has the credits for each album as well.

[DLR Bridge]

Does is say things like, Ed came up with a cool groove on a 6 string baritone bass and all Hagar could come up with were lyrics about calling a spank line? That would be an entertaining read.

[Warham]

Does is say things like, Ed came up with a cool groove on a 6 string baritone bass and all Hagar could come up with were lyrics about calling a spank line? That would be an entertaining read.

I’ll see what it says for “Spanked” and get back to you.

[Catfish]

Does is say things like, Ed came up with a cool groove on a 6 string baritone bass and all Hagar could come up with were lyrics about calling a spank line? That would be an entertaining read.

VH used to be about sly innuendo and humor. Like the lyrics to Dance the Night Away. Then they transform with an asshole screaming about masturbating, having sex until you're black and blue, and his morning boner. Sweet Jesus.

[Rikk]

I did a review on this book recently. I'll see if I can bump the thread. It's a really good read...and they really give Sam a LOT of shit.

[Seshmeister]

VH used to be about sly innuendo and humor. Like the lyrics to Dance the Night Away. Then they transform with an asshole screaming about masturbating, having sex until you're black and blue, and his morning boner. Sweet Jesus.

Famously when they asked him to write lyrics for a song about their home town in Europe and Hagar comes back with -

Oh, wham, bam, oh Amsterdam
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Will stone you like nothin' else can
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Hot damn, roll an Amsterdam
Yeah, yeah, yeah
If she can't, then no one else can
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Woo wham, bam, oh Amsterdam
Yeah, yeah, yeah
You don't have to worry about the man
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Woo, hot damn, burn an Amsterdam yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Stone me like nothin' else can
Yeah, yeah, yeah

He must look on Spinal Tap as being a masterclass.

[Catfish]

Can someone green-light and start a 'Sammy Hagar Lyrics Appreciation Thread' and stock it with gems like these??

[DLR Bridge]

This may just give Dick In The Dirt a run for the money as his worst drivel ever…

Hey, I'm all feet up, watchin' TV
Someplace to feast my eyes, oh
Well, I've always tripped on commercials, yeah, yeah
This one blew my mind, oh, uh, hey
Tell me, who ya gonna call
When you need that affection?
You got to have it quick (got to have it quick)
Well, just a-hang your love line
In her direction, whoa
All you bad, bad boys
Call her up on the spank line, uh
Yeah, all you bad, bad boys
Call her up on the spank line, uh, whoa, oh
Three dollars, first minute, gosh, man
After that, cost ya four
And she be up for negotiations, mmm-hmm
If you call back for mo', oh oh oh ah
Now who ya gonna call
When you need that special (special)
Little somethin', mmm
You can say what you like
It's all confidential, whoa
Call her up on the spank line, huh
(All you bad, bad boys)
Call her up on the spank line, whoa
Hey
(All you bad, bad boys)
Make a mind blow
(All you bad, bad boys)
Dial 1-900-spanked
Call her up on the spank line, uh, hey
(All you bad, bad boys)
Call her up on the spank line, uh
Yeah, it's a spank line, ha, ha, ha, ha, woo
(All you bad, bad boys)
Just, call her up, ha, call her up
1-900-spanked (all you bad, bad boys)
1-900-spanked you bad, bad, bad, boys
(All you bad, bad boys) just call her up
It's a spank line, yeah, oh, ow

[Seshmeister]

this may just give dick in the dirt a run for the money as his worst drivel ever…

call her up on the spank line, uh, whoa, oh
three dollars, first minute, gosh, man
after that, cost ya four

wtaf!!??

[Rikk]

Yeah, it's a spank line, ha, ha, ha, ha, woo
(All you bad, bad boys)

This has ALWAYS been one of the worst-offenders in the Van Hagar catalog for me.

Sometimes, Van Hagar could have a really solid backing track ruined by Sam's putrid lyrics/vocals...
...but THIS ONE is fucking horrible all around.

For some reason, it reminds me (with that riff) of a kind of slowed-down version of an 80s Robert Palmer tune.

The lyrics are about as sexy as a 75-pounds-overweight drunk soccer mom singing along to Bon Jovi.

[DLR Bridge]

I kinda like the groove and the 6 string bass sound, but it really is difficult to imagine something better being done with the song once you’ve got this crap in your head.

Whenever I see the ‘Sam is a better singer’ crowd crying away on Facebook, I wonder how many of them have this gem in their rotation. There’s not a single song from the 6 pack that could be deemed skippable.

[Warham]

This has ALWAYS been one of the worst-offenders in the Van Hagar catalog for me.

Sometimes, Van Hagar could have a really solid backing track ruined by Sam's putrid lyrics/vocals...
...but THIS ONE is fucking horrible all around.

For some reason, it reminds me (with that riff) of a kind of slowed-down version of an 80s Robert Palmer tune.

The lyrics are about as sexy as a 75-pounds-overweight drunk soccer mom singing along to Bon Jovi.

Robert Palmer (RIP, should be in the RRHOF too) was far more talented than Hagar. He could write better tunes and he came up with the Power Station sound.

[Catfish]

all her up on the spank line, uh, whoa, oh
three dollars, first minute, gosh, man
after that, cost ya four

wtaf!!??

Hagar's math skills are FUCKING AMAZING.

[Catfish]

wtaf!!??

Robert Palmer (RIP, should be in the RRHOF too) was far more talented than Hagar. He could write better tunes and he came up with the Power Station sound.

To finish the degrees of separation, Hagar blatantly ripped off Robert Palmer's 'Bad Case of Loving You' in his putrid Drive 55 song. How he got away with that is beyond me.

[Rikk]

Seriously, Sammy Hagar is a dirty, rotten son of a bitch for wasting real human resources singing steaming goat shit like this:

Well, I've always tripped on commercials, yeah, yeah

We can tell, you fucking cunt. Your lyrics have the imagination and literary depth of a commercial for Cheap Plumbing.

I've seen Olive Garden commercials more fascinating than anything you've ever had to say about anything.

Tell me, who ya gonna call

I wish Ray Parker Jr. had sued his fat, tequila-peddling ass. Dave borrows from Chicago bluesmen, Louis Prima and Al Jolson. Sam steals from fucking Ghostbusters.

You got to have it quick (got to have it quick)

I thought you don't want women to be too quick? Didn't you want them to take their time and fucking "finish what they started" or whatever?

Well, just a-hang your love line in her direction, whoa

Whoa, indeed.

Call her up on the spank line, uh

I bet sheep actually text each other stupid shit like, "Hey, man...call me up on the spank line...LOL." The pinnacle of Ched-head wit is quoting song lyrics from "legendary" songs in their own sad cult like SOURCE OF ERECTION.

Three dollars, first minute, gosh, man, after that, cost ya four

He apparently KNOWS this. There was no Google in 1991. He must have known from experience. I bet he even would say, "This is Sammy Hagar from Van Halen. Don't you like me better than Dave? Anyway, get me hard."

Yeah, it's a spank line, ha, ha, ha, ha, woo

There's nothing more disgusting than an aging guy with greasy blonde hair & taco-breath talking to YOU while he's getting horny.

1-900-spanked you bad, bad, bad, boys

Hagar was a boxer in the 60s, right? Too bad he couldn't have gone the way of Kim Duk-koo or Patrick Day before he had a chance to begin his "music career."

[Rikk]

Robert Palmer (RIP, should be in the RRHOF too) was far more talented than Hagar. He could write better tunes and he came up with the Power Station sound.

Actually, I like his 70s stuff. It sounds like Little Feat (another good band that Van Hagar decimated with a cover version).

[Seshmeister]

Robert Palmer (RIP, should be in the RRHOF too) was far more talented than Hagar. He could write better tunes and he came up with the Power Station sound.

On a vaguely related note I don't know if everyone else knew this already but I learned last week that little Andy Taylor has stage IV cancer which is a shame.

[twonabomber]

Andy Taylor didn't go to Duran Duran's Rock Hall induction because of his cancer. Simon LeBon read a letter from Taylor as part of their speech.

[Rikk]

I thought I heard that Taylor is in a form of remission and the doctors gave him a few more years? I could be remembering wrong...