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When we think of great movie villains we naturally gravitate to figures such as Darth Vader, John Lawrence of the Cobra Kai, and Hans Gruber. If we didn't already kinda like them despite their evil (such in the case of Gruber and his undeniable rizz), they all had their moments of redemption. But who are the best villains of all time? The true cocksuckers of film who were beyond ALL redemption?
Like with all great villains, you know there's a showdown coming in Act 3, so it makes the movie that much more enjoyable. Here's my list of the best. You put these fuckers in a room together and they'd defeat The Avengers, The Justice League, and The Goonies all without breaking a sweat:
Clarence Boddiker from Robocop: This bastard was mean as fuck and just a total dick. Had fun shooting Murphy with his scumbag pals and spit blood on the officer's paperwork. Did blow for good measure and called those two hookers "bitches." Wore glasses and wasn't physically imposing at all, which made him even scarier.
Shooter McGavin: Just no fucking scruples with this guy. Not only did he showboat at every turn and take cheap shot jokes about David Hasslehoff, but he made Happy Gilmore go to the 9th green at 9, paid someone to run Happy over, and was just an all-around faggot. Literally nothing to like about this choad.
Luther (played by Gene Simmons) in Runaway: Holy shit this son of a bitch gave me nightmares. If you haven't seen Runaway, get to it ASAP. How Gene Simmons didn't quit his band and go full time as a movie heavy is beyond me. I was still small when I saw this the first time and I was scared shitless of him and the prospect of Tom Selleck having to deal with him at one point. He even died scary!
Carter Burke (Paul Riser) from Aliens: This snake in the grass should never be forgotten. He tried to lock Ripley and that bastard girl in the infirmary with that alien. Then they spared him the justice he deserved and he still tried to slip away behind another locked door. I really hope that alien buttfucked him before killing him.
Ivan Drago: Dude shoves the ref away and keeps beating the black out of Apollo Creed (how did he ever escape criminal charges on that?) and then scoffs at the though of him dying with one of the best lines in cinematic history: "If he dies, he dies." Like, this fucker knows basically no English, but has that line down cold. Day-am! Then, after beating the absolute fuck out of Rocky for 14 rounds, has the gall to begin the final round by saying--again, in English--"you're dead." What the fuck is that??? Not only is it unsportsmanlike to say to a man who has gone toe-to-toe with you for an hour, but it's also downright terrifying! And at least when John Lawerence of the Cobra Kai was defeated he redeemed himself by telling Daniel LaRusso he was "the best" but Drago just sat on his stool and moped. Fuck this guy--and he was still a dick even when he was down on his luck in Creed 2. Good! (Honorable mention for Clubber Lang who also somehow escaped justice for at least 2nd degree murder of Mick!)
Diana from V: This was a just a total cunt! She plain looked scary, on top of doing unimaginably evil shit (dissecting and researching humans??). Then she ate that giant rat and blew ALL our minds! She also shot a bible with her lazer gun! What the fuck! She should marry Luther from Runaway--could you imagine the fucking kids these two would shit out???
Like with all great villains, you know there's a showdown coming in Act 3, so it makes the movie that much more enjoyable. Here's my list of the best. You put these fuckers in a room together and they'd defeat The Avengers, The Justice League, and The Goonies all without breaking a sweat:
Clarence Boddiker from Robocop: This bastard was mean as fuck and just a total dick. Had fun shooting Murphy with his scumbag pals and spit blood on the officer's paperwork. Did blow for good measure and called those two hookers "bitches." Wore glasses and wasn't physically imposing at all, which made him even scarier.
Shooter McGavin: Just no fucking scruples with this guy. Not only did he showboat at every turn and take cheap shot jokes about David Hasslehoff, but he made Happy Gilmore go to the 9th green at 9, paid someone to run Happy over, and was just an all-around faggot. Literally nothing to like about this choad.
Luther (played by Gene Simmons) in Runaway: Holy shit this son of a bitch gave me nightmares. If you haven't seen Runaway, get to it ASAP. How Gene Simmons didn't quit his band and go full time as a movie heavy is beyond me. I was still small when I saw this the first time and I was scared shitless of him and the prospect of Tom Selleck having to deal with him at one point. He even died scary!
Carter Burke (Paul Riser) from Aliens: This snake in the grass should never be forgotten. He tried to lock Ripley and that bastard girl in the infirmary with that alien. Then they spared him the justice he deserved and he still tried to slip away behind another locked door. I really hope that alien buttfucked him before killing him.
Ivan Drago: Dude shoves the ref away and keeps beating the black out of Apollo Creed (how did he ever escape criminal charges on that?) and then scoffs at the though of him dying with one of the best lines in cinematic history: "If he dies, he dies." Like, this fucker knows basically no English, but has that line down cold. Day-am! Then, after beating the absolute fuck out of Rocky for 14 rounds, has the gall to begin the final round by saying--again, in English--"you're dead." What the fuck is that??? Not only is it unsportsmanlike to say to a man who has gone toe-to-toe with you for an hour, but it's also downright terrifying! And at least when John Lawerence of the Cobra Kai was defeated he redeemed himself by telling Daniel LaRusso he was "the best" but Drago just sat on his stool and moped. Fuck this guy--and he was still a dick even when he was down on his luck in Creed 2. Good! (Honorable mention for Clubber Lang who also somehow escaped justice for at least 2nd degree murder of Mick!)
Diana from V: This was a just a total cunt! She plain looked scary, on top of doing unimaginably evil shit (dissecting and researching humans??). Then she ate that giant rat and blew ALL our minds! She also shot a bible with her lazer gun! What the fuck! She should marry Luther from Runaway--could you imagine the fucking kids these two would shit out???
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