Tweet
BIDEN SURGES IN POLLS After Convincing Terrified Voters He Is Causing the Eclipse
The Onion (the most-trusted name in accurate news)
April 8, 2024
WASHINGTON—Marking a sudden inflection point amid flagging approval ratings, President Joe Biden surged in the polls Monday after convincing terrified voters he was causing the total solar eclipse.
"I am sure you will make the wise choice to join me, the immense and all-powerful Mover of the Sun and Moon, in my reelection campaign," said Biden, who at the moment the eclipse began waved his hands toward the darkening sky, causing Americans to cower in fear and promise to give him their votes so long as he restored the sun to the heavens.
"If I can make the sun disappear, imagine what I could do to your harvests should I not receive your support in November. The only way to ensure the stars remain in the sky is to give me four more years in the White House."
At press time, Donald Trump’s poll numbers had rebounded after the former president once again demonstrated his ability to suffer no apparent vision damage despite staring directly at a solar eclipse without eye protection.
April 8, 2024
WASHINGTON—Marking a sudden inflection point amid flagging approval ratings, President Joe Biden surged in the polls Monday after convincing terrified voters he was causing the total solar eclipse.
"I am sure you will make the wise choice to join me, the immense and all-powerful Mover of the Sun and Moon, in my reelection campaign," said Biden, who at the moment the eclipse began waved his hands toward the darkening sky, causing Americans to cower in fear and promise to give him their votes so long as he restored the sun to the heavens.
"If I can make the sun disappear, imagine what I could do to your harvests should I not receive your support in November. The only way to ensure the stars remain in the sky is to give me four more years in the White House."
At press time, Donald Trump’s poll numbers had rebounded after the former president once again demonstrated his ability to suffer no apparent vision damage despite staring directly at a solar eclipse without eye protection.