The Sheep Pen

[tjvhou812]

rikk needs those small hands

how else do you expect him to take a leak

[Nickdfresh]

Originally posted by Rikk
WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT???

My therapist is the only person on Earth that should have that picture!!

You have to answer for this one, Nicholas.

RIKK! You need to accept what you are and where you came from in order to know where your going!


You have to admit that my bitch...er...guy I hardly know is one good looking bastard!

[Rikk]

Originally posted by tjvhou812
rikk needs those small hands

how else do you expect him to take a leak

SHUT UP AND GET IN THE FUCKIN PE...er...

Uh...shut up!

[Rikk]

Originally posted by Nickdfresh
You have to admit that my bitch...er...guy I hardly know is one good looking bastard!

Yeah. He certainly is one lucky guy, considering your bragging rights.

(The next post explains this...)

[Rikk]

[tjvhou812]

thats quite a big cock you got their....

your ass must be in alot of pain

[bueno bob]

I expect I can download the mpg of that on WinMX?

[Nickdfresh]

Originally posted by tjvhou812
thats quite a big cock you got their....

your ass must be in alot of pain

MUHUHAWHAWHAW! My ass hurts from constantly having my head in it lately.

My lower back hurts from carrying my cock around though. (He doesn't like to walk).

[bueno bob]

Originally posted by Nickdfresh
MUHUHAWHAWHAW! My ass hurts from constantly having my head in it lately.

My lower back hurts from carrying my cock around though. (He doesn't like to walk).

You know, I saw some gay porn lately (don't ask, it's a long story) and there was this black dude who's dick hung down to his ankles - no shitting. I had a nightmare that it was chasing me later on that night, serious.

Um...OK, back to business.

[bueno bob]

You know what? Maybe we should have an honorary inductee week - we should just induct ALL of Van Hagar, concentrate all of our energies on them...anyone up for that idea?

[Nickdfresh]

Originally posted by bueno bob
You know what? Maybe we should have an honorary inductee week - we should just induct ALL of Van Hagar, concentrate all of our energies on them...anyone up for that idea?

Maybe we can just parley some writing skills into long winded dissertations of the Van Hagar franchise members and their personal shortcomings. I think this could work!

[Matt White]

I do agree that we need to ratchet up the torture around here.
TomVu, Jimbogun112, etc. I know it's the winter & things are slow but we need to pick up the pace!

[Rikk]

* * * * * SHEEP PEN ANNOUNCEMENT * * * * *

Well, it's been slow. Yup. It's been very fucking slow. It's been so slow that the Administrators have been PM'ing me, suggesting that one of the other Administrators be inducted. And for the gayest reasons too.


You don't believe me? Check some of these gay PM's I've been receiving:

Originally posted by Matt White
Dude, can we induct POOP BOY this week? I mean, I have to admit, I've never liked him. In fact, I hate him. I hate him so much, it gets me so angry. He will never truly be one of us. Plus, I saw him stealing cookies from the cookie jar in Pen Kitchen #3. Please RIKK, we need to induct someone. And I think it's POOP BOY's turn.

Or this?

Originally posted by Nickdfresh
Yo. We gotta induct MATT WHITE this week. Have you noticed what a pussy he is lately? I don't hate many things, bro...but I fucking hate MATT WHITE. I hate him so much, it gets me so angry. He was here before me, but he's going soft. I noticed him bringing out some extra meat to the sheep when you went home last week. It was lamb...but, still...

Or how about this?

Originally posted by bueno bob
How dare you fuckers insult EPISODES I and II??? I swear, if I'm ever alone with you mother fuckers again, I'm going to crush you like insects!!! I'm going to use the force like Yoda did in Star Wars Lightsabre Chronicles Novel #32 "YODA AND RAMOON: THE TRUE LOVE OF HIS FORCE", and you will die like Lando almost did in the Mindharp of Shamu. Death will be instananeous as I use my lightsabre to slice off your head and then violate your woman with it!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU SO MUCH, IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY.

:eek:


Or this?

Originally posted by tjvhou812
i was thinking that if you dont have anything to do tomorrow night, if your not busy, maybe we could get together for some drinks and dancing

And 7884's been with us for...what...two weeks? Maybe less? Check this out:

Originally posted by DLR7884
Time to take out the trash. Let's get Bill Lumbergh and kill him. Yes, kill him. I want to take that piece of shit and shit all over his face. Then I'll rub some shit in his nostrils and then step on him and then shit on him some more and then rub the shit in his eyeballs and shit on him and shit on him and shit on him and shit on him and shit on him some more!! Yeah! Then I'll kick his cock with steel-toed boots and then shit on him!!! YEAH!! Then I'll break his legs with a sledgehammer and then set him on fire and then shit on him while he's burning to death!!!!

Of course, BILL has just become a parent again (to which the SHEEP PEN staff would like to give their colleague a proper and sincere congratulations). This also means that he's become a little mellower.

Originally posted by Bill Lumbergh
Let's not induct anyone this week. The sheep don't mean it. You know, it's not their fault that they have bad taste.

Have you ever noticed how wonderful life is sometimes? I'm so happy. I'm going to go count some flowers.

Okay, if we must induct someone, induct DLR7884. He needs a bit of hazing because he's new. I still think he's wonderful, though.

Those are all good suggestions, SHEEP PEN staff. Truly great suggestions, in fact.

But I say it's time to induct something that has truly deserved it for a long time. I say it's time to induct something that has been asking for it for...well...14 years now!! YES!! For almost a decade and a half, something has been begging for induction because it has been the cause of so much pain in our lives. Just before this horrible thing happened, we were teased again with VAN HALEN reunion rumors. But instead, this monstrosity happened, and we were inundated with horrible radio-play for over a year.

These days, this monstrosity receives little respect. But it goes to the root of the problem. And because the SHEEP at the RothArmy are relatively silent...we still must induct something...

So I give you.............



























That's right. This is one of the worst record-albums in history. Those of you that actually know some of the songs here can be open about it and talk about how it affected your lives in a negative way.

This album is a sheep. It is a sheep of the worst kind...for it gave strength to other sheep. To see other high school students (usually the REALLY dumb jocks or the losers in the A/V club) bopping their heads to TOP OF THE WORLD or punching their fists in the air to POUNDCAKE or humming the truly dreadful POUNDCAKE when Suzy Creamcheese walked down the hall past the geography office...

Sammy Hagar enabled the moron of the early 1990s to have a soundtrack celebrating his or her idiocy. This was the crowning moment of VAN HAGAR's horror. This was JUDGMENT DAY.


"But RIKK, there were no keyboards."

Who cares? Does the lack of keyboards make Hagar's voice less annoying? If anything, with the keyboards no longer in the mix, Hagar's voice is the only thing in the high frequencies...and it caused that cunt Andy Johns to make sure that voice from Hell is prominent in the mix. And Ed? Didn't you once play exciting guitar? While Dave was screaming over amazing Jason Becker riffs like IT'S SHOWTIME, Ed was producing noodling wackoff licks like 316, one of the most boring, middle-aged, sexually-repressed guitar solos ever. When Wolfgang heard this abomination of a tribute, he probably wanted to jump right back up Valerie's lovehole and stay there.



How about some "great" photos of Sam in action with the band from the F.U.C.K. ME I PAID FOR THIS TICKET TOUR, straight off the www.redrocker.com website (send any complaints about this album to its webmaster...the same cunt that refuses to give MEZRO any confirmation of an interview with Sham):






Does this look like a rock star to you?



Those pants look like he stood in a pond of lipstick for half an hour.



Administrators, we've been inducting idiots like ROBOANUS, Daveisahasbeen, TongueNAss, etc. for over half a year now. Don't you think it's time we go to the source?

[bueno bob]

Preach on, brother Rikk! Hallelujah! Amen!

[bueno bob]

Damn your eyes, For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge! DAMN THEM TO HELL!!!

On a serious note, though, folks, who could actually bring themselves to ENJOY this crap? It's beyond me.

"Poundcake" - One of the most senseless songs Van Hagar has ever written. To this day, I have NO CLUE what the lyrics are supposed to represent (other than Spam's ever increasing appetite). It's a flimsily constructed song with repugnant, safe, PEDESTRIAN playing...general "let's start the album with a rocker! Get the format ready!" forumla...so boring, so contrived, so ill-advised, so repetative and mundane...there's NOTHING positive that could be said about it and the negatives are beyond belief. Hagar sounds constipated as if he was recording the vocals while on the shitter with a bottle of Beano in one hand and the microphone in the other....awful. Just awful.

"Judgement Day" - Yep, a song about waiting around to get things accomplished with my life, THAT'S what makes me want to rock! Need I say anything more?

"Spanked" - I thought, at the time, that this was lyrically the dumbest thing I'd heard out of Van Hagar since "Only time will tell if we stand the test of time" - "Up for Breakfast" has since changed this, but it doesn't take away any of the sheer and unlistenable garbage that this song is.

"Runaround" - Hmmm...classic Van Hagar pedestrian rock at it's finest! Yup, THIS is the dangerous Van Halen I remember so well! Oh for God's sake, somebody shoot me...

"Pleasure Dome" - What's worse than Sammy Hagar singing? Sammy Hagar TALKING, and then trying to sing!

"In 'n' Out" - More of Hagar's brilliant lyricism raising it's ugly head. More overproduced garbage. More crap.

"Man On a Mission" - FUCK, CAN THIS MAN NOT RIGHT A GOOD LYRIC???? JESUS CHRIST BANANAS!!!

"The Dream is Over" - NO SHIT.

"Right Now" - Oh sure...this is the Van Halen song we've waited ALL OUR LIVES for...PLEASE, VAN HAGAR, TELL ME WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW??? Right now, I'm pouring my Crystal Pepsi down the drain, bitch.

"316" - Right on par with "Eruption", isn't it? This is what happens to your guitar solos when you're in a band with Spam Hagar, I guess...

"Top of the World" - Sam's ode to being BEHIND Mike, I guess...

Oh yes, indeedy, kiddies, "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" is DEFINITE material for "Sheep of the Week"! This album was SHEEP ROCK if ever it existed...safe, pedestrian rock for middle aged assholes who thought they were bad ass by buying it. Corporate, radio friendly, no risk taking, compromising, out of your face, unoffensive, dumbed down, label friendly, meets you with an open hand rather than a slap in the face Van Hagar in all it's fuckin' glory. Wasn't it a fun album?

Let's hear it for this weeks sheep, "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge"; without a doubt the most DESERVING inductee we've had for some time.