MICHAEL ANTHONY: THE BASS PLAYING HOUSE-BOY PART 1      Michael lay in bed, having his recurring fantasy that he is the "star" of the group. Although Edward was out of the country on a business trip in South East Asia with his new business partner, Kathie Lee Gifford, to promote his new brain-child, "Van Halen - The Clothes," to be distributed by Wal-Mart, Mike quickly cutoff this dream, out of fear that Ed could read his thoughts.  He then started to plan for the day ahead of him. As the personal valet of Mr. and Mrs. Edward Van Halen, his days are often filled with non-stop jobs. "Let's see," Mike thought to himself, "I have to supervise the Budweiser delivery, and God knows, that's at least three hours long. Hmmm, then I have clean the pool. Check. Get the tires rotated on Ed's Ferrari. Check. Change the oil in the Mercedes. Check. Vacuum the interior of Val's Range Rover. Check. Go to Sunset Cleaners and pick up suits. Check. Make and serve lunch for Val and her friends. Check. Clear plates from table and make sure I ask if anyone wants coffee or dessert. Check. Wash dishes. Check. Insert movie (Twister) into VCR for Val and friends. Check. Make popcorn and drinks. Check.."  After going down the entire list of 'Things To Do Tomorrow,' Mike was starting to get sleepy. He tightly hugged Elmo, and soon settled into a deep slumber. After a long and much needed sleep, Michael awoke to a long day of chores. He looked at his watch. "Oh Lord, I've over slept," he cried out. He quickly showered, dressed, and hastily slapped on his toupee. Running out of the servants' quarters and sprinting across the front area of the Van Halen estate, Mike could see that the delivery man from Budweiser had already arrived. Wolfie, giggling uncontrollably, is sitting in one of the windows of the main house, watching Mike wobble across the well-manicured lawn.  Finally Mike makes it to where the delivery man is standing. "Hey Buddy, you got a squirrel on your head," said Joe, the delivery man. Quickly realizing that the fuzzy thing on Mike's head is not an animal, but a hair piece, Joe blurts out, "Err, never mind. Look, Goof Ball, I have been here for ten minutes waiting for you. Mr Van Halen does not like skunk beer. Let's get this load into the fridge."  Mike, now having turned plaid from embarrassment, turns away to quickly fix his hair piece. Once in place, he turns back to begin the long, hard job of unloading the mountain of beer cases and stocking them in Ed's huge fridge inside Studio 5150. PART 2 - MICHAEL TAKES THE FERRARI IN FOR SERVICE After three and half hours of walking back and forth between the beer truck and the fridge inside Studio 5150, pushing hand trucks stacked with cases of Budweiser, the job of unloading Ed's supply was finished. As it turns out, this was the third time Joe had made a delivery to the Van Halen estate that week, and it was only Tuesday!  Although thoroughly exhausted, Mike knew he had to press on, as this was just the beginning of a chore filled day. He pulled out his check list and looked it over. "Alrighty, let's see. What is next?" he thought to himself. "Looks like the Ferrari to the shop is next." Mike started the long walk over to the twenty car garage where the Van Halen's keep a stable of prized sports cars.  While walking down the beautifully landscaped path that lead to the garage, Mike met up with Alex Van Halen who, dressed in a very preppie tennis outfit, is on his way to play a game or two on Ed's personal tennis court.  "Hi Alex, I just heard Me Wise Magic for the first time yesterday. Ed sounds great on the bass," Michael gushed. "Yeah, yeah, it is a good tune. By the way, Ed is coming back from his business trip today. We are having a band meeting tonight," Alex said in a very cold voice. Michael, knowing full well that a twitch attack was coming at any second, pinches himself.  "Why the meeting," Mike asks. "Well, it seems that Ed has become friends with the bassist from Kaja Goo Goo and might want to hire him so you can devote more time to being Wolfie's nanny." Needless to say, Mike is now in full turbo twitch.     Alex, forever the sadistic and cruel practical joker decides to go in for the kill. "Hey Mike, I just talked to Sammy. It was a good talk and I like the guy. Do you?" asked Alex. Mike, his body doing the funky combo of twitching, trembling, and shaking, sweat pouring off his forehead, knows the next ten minutes are going to be hell. Mike answers, "Sure Alex, I don't have a problem with Sammy. He is a good guy." Alex shoots back "Hagar? You like that guy? I hate him and so does Ed!" Mike, now fully drenched in sweat, even the toupee, nervously says, "Ye, ye, ye yer right Alex, Sammy was nothing but trouble."  Alex, totally disgusted by the sight of a human being groveling, decides to let Mike get back to his chores. Besides, Charlie Sheen and two strippers are waiting for him to play tennis. "See ya, Mike," Alex says as he spins and starts a slow jog towards the courts. Mike yells back, "Thanks Alex, see you later."  Mike looks at his watch. "Time to get moving," he thinks to himself. Mike gets in the Ferrari, a blue steel power-house owned by the man that signs Mike's paychecks, looks it over, all the while dreaming that maybe between the money he gets from babysitting Wolfie and the paper route, he could afford this one day.      Mike, sitting in the car day-dreaming he is in an episode of Starsky and Hutch, makes car chase sounds: "Vrooom, vrooom, vroooom, waaa, waaaaaaa, waaaaaaaaaaaa, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, wuuuuuuuuurt, eeeeeeeeeert." While he is totally engrossed in his fantasy, in walks Valerie Bertinelli. "Mike? Hello? Hello, Mike?, Hello?, HELLO!" she screams. Mike fumbles and blurts "Uh, ah, OH hi Mrs. Van Halen. I was just applying Armor All to the shift knob. You know, you can never have enough Armor All. It keeps it nice an....." "Would you please SHUT UP and take the car to the shop, NOW!" an icy Valerie spits outs. Mike is really, really, really twitching now. "Yes Mrs. Van Halen," Mike answers. Mike gets back in the car, starts it up, and pulls it out of the garage.  He exits the Van Halen estate, "Villa La Moolah," and proceeds to the Ferrari shop, which is less than five minutes away. He pulls up the shop and getsout.  A new mechanic is on duty and says to Mike, "Oh my God, HOLY (expletive), you're Michael Anthony." Mike, flattered that the man recognizes him, says back, "Why yes I am. The one and only." Again, the mechanic is freaking. "Man, I play the guitar because of Van Halen. I would kill to meet him. You are so lucky, you get to wash his clothes, drive his car and shit. Man, DUDE, what is it like working for Eddie Van HALEN?  Michael, feeling like a crushed penny on a railroad track, stares into space and does not answer. PART 3: MICHAEL TAKES A STAND      Rotating the tires on the Ferrari took only about ten minutes, however, with all the taunting and teasing from the mechanics, time seemed to stand still for Mike. Mike, twitching and in need of a change of clothes from all the nervous sweating, paid the bill and got into the car. As Mike backed out of the repair shop, he could see all the mechanics in a huddle, pointing and laughing at him. Mike was red faced with humiliation, but was now starting to get angry.  Mike who is so fearful of the Van Halen brothers, sometimes gets paranoid that Edward and Alex can read his thoughts. But this time he did not care. While driving down Rodeo Drive, Mike stomped on the brakes and screamed " I HAVE HAD IT!!" Michael didn't notice the motorcycle cop behind him who had to swerve to avoid being made into a permanent feature of the Ferrari's trunk. The Police officer rolls the bike in front of the stopped Ferrari. The cop gets off his cycle and walks briskly to the drivers side of Ed's car, where Michael is, yup, you guessed it - twitching, and says to Mike, "GET THE (expletive) OUT OF THE CAR, (expletive)! NOW!!" Mike obeys the officer's command and gets out. The cop points his finger in Mike's face and is just about to unleash a verbal assault that would stop a rhino in its tracks, but he pauses and says "I know you. Yeah, I know you." Mike replies, "I'm Michael Anthony, you know, Van Halen?" The policeman remembers Mike now.  As it turns out, the cop used to moonlight as a security guard at the Van Halen estate. Well, he did until that one Christmas Eve, when the Van Halens told all employees that their health benefits were being terminated. "Hey Mike, I never told you this before, but you make a great peach cobbler." said the cop.  Mike, because he was labeled a jinx in the studio, would be locked out of the recording sessions. Alex gave him the name 'Jinxy,' after Mike, who went to shut off a light, hit a switch and erased 3 hours of a secret jam session Ed did with Steve Vai and Randy Rhoads. Mike, who has been banned ever since, came up with a plan. He would bake lots of treats, like double fudge brownies, M&M cookies, Rice Krispy treats, and his most famous - peach cobbler, then give them to the security guards. The guards would be so involved in gobbling down the baked goodies and fresh milk that Mike brought out, they would not see him sneak in to the studio.  Jimmy, the cop, noticed Mike was twitching like a fish in a dry bucket, told Mike to relax "Alright, calm down. I'll forget all about this. Just stop by the station tomorrow with a pecan pie and we will forget the whole thing happened." "You got it. I'll bake it from scratch!" Mike said gushing and sighing with relief.      Mike, wobbly legged from twitching, crawled into the car, waved goodbye to Jimmy and drove off. While he was relieved that the confrontation with the cop was one down, he still had one to go. Tonight at the band meeting, he was going to confront Edward Van Halen. After a five minute drive, Mike was putting on the left-hand signal to pull into the giant five-lane circular driveway at the Van Halen estate, which was now filled with five black stretch limos, all with darkened windows............... PART 4: THE MEETING      Pulling into the gravel driveway of Villa La Moolah, Edward Van Halen's sprawling estate, Mike gazed at the fleet of limos. He knew what was going on. The big boys were here. This was going to be a meeting of the five families. Mike knew he'd better hurry up, as he was expected at this meeting. Besides, who else was going to serve dinner? Mike pulled the Ferrari into the stable, put the car cover on and started the long dash to his room in the servants' quarters. Michael finally reached the servants' quarters, opened the door and bolted to his room. Mike's room in the servants' house is a modest, twenty-by-twenty foot room with a small bathroom and kitchenette. The walls are plastered with posters of well-oiled Belgian muscle men, in various poses.  Knowing he has little time, Michael quickly showers and gets dressed into a ill-fitting tuxedo-style suit, as all the waiters are required to wear this outfit. After placing on his toupee and applying several dabs of Old Spice cologne to his cheeks and neck, Mike pours the bottle down his shorts and then races out the door heading across the courtyard to the servants entrance of Studio 5150.      Mike enters the door and is standing in the kitchen of the banquet hall inside 5150. The head waiter, Tony, sees Mike and motions for him to come over and get his assigned tables and to learn what the specials are for tonight's dinner/meeting. After twenty tries and seven false starts, Mike has the dinner specials almost memorized. Tony with meat cleaver raised above his head, not used to such incompetence, is being held back by seven members of the kitchen staff. Tony pops several of his blood pressure pills and starts to relax. Mike and the rest of the wait staff get into a huddle and clasp hands. They say a little motivational prayer and end it with a Marine style "Woo - Ah."      The wait staff, including Mike, head through the doors that separate the kitchen from the banquet area. The Van Halens have spared no expense in the building and design of this room where they can entertain up to three hundred guests in one sitting. From the Italian marble floors to the platinum, jewel- encrusted chandeliers that hang from the hand-painted cathedral ceilings, the Van Halens wanted only the best.   Upon entering the lavish, ornate banquet hall, Mike could see the heads of the "Five Rock & Roll Sell-Out Families" seated at the main table. The other tables were filled with subordinates and VIPs invited by 'Don' Van Halen and Alex. The five families are made up of: (1) The Van Halen Family: Godfather - Edward Van Halen. Consigliere - Ray Daniels. The strongest of the five families, they take a cut from all the other families. (2) The Michaels Family: Godfather - Bret Michaels. Consigliere - Lita Ford. They control the garment district, sanitation removal. (3) The Perry Family - Godfather - Joe Perry. Consigliere - Richie Sambora. They control gambling, narcotics. (4) The Osbourne Family: Godfather - Ozzy Osbourne. Consigliere - Nikki Sixx. They control prostitution, extortion. (5) The Journey Family: Godfather - Steve Perry. Consigliere - Neil Schon. They are into strong arm, and torture, mainly using their own recordings. Also invited to the meeting of all meetings, are special VIPs, most notably, the dark lord of the underworld, Satan himself, who is here to present Ed with a Life Time Achievement Award. Mikey works the room, offering tasty treats to the distinguished guests. He is pinching himself to prevent any ill-timed twitch, as he is determined to have a showdown with Ed. PART 5: THE SHOWDOWN      The dinner/meeting/party/nut-fest was in full gear. Everyone was enjoying the free flowing booze, sex, and rock & roll. There was Ed, well on his way to winning the blue ribbon in the Foster Brooks impersonation contest, still hamming it up and stunning his guests by drinking his tenth beer............. case! Alex, with his pants down at his ankles, is stretched out on top of Bambi at the 18th hole of Ed's personal golf course, teaching her his meaning of a hole in one. Mike, having regained his composure, reports to the security guard booth at the main entrance gate of Villa La Moolah to begin his shift.      As the assistant to the Assistant Security Manager, it is Mike's duty to check that all visitors have a valid invitation to get onto the property. Mike looked around the inside of the guard booth to make sure he had everything he needed. Mike takes a mental inventory " Let's see, I have the two-way radio, billy club, flashlight, pepper spray, bag of jelly beans, Doritos, eclairs, Twinkies, Yodels, six pack of Yoo-Hoo, Ding-Dongs, Snow-Balls, Snickers bar, Kit-Kat, and Gummi Bears. Looks like it is all here," said Mike with an eager smile and glazed look in his eyes.  Back inside Studio 5150, the party in getting more insane by the minute. Paul Stanley is dancing with two young bimbettes, both named Christine, both look sixteen. Ace is seated next to Ed, competing with him for first prize. Rob Halford is checking out Jon Bon Jovi, and, in turn, Jon is checking out Pamela Lee. Tommy Lee is checking out the insides of his eye lids, as he is deep into a "Heineken Hypnosis." Scotty Ross is discussing Satan's latest book, "Manipulating Public Opinion," with Mr. 666 himself. Val is discussing her new CBS project with herself. Vince Neil walks the room picking fights. Mick Mars sits in a corner with Gene Simmons trading investment tips. Meanwhile Alex, being (blanked) by Bambi for the eighth time, his toes curling upward, is pleading with her to let him go back to the party. The fiesta could not be more out of control or could it?      Off in the distance, the sound of a car horn playing to the tune of "La Cucaracha" is heard getting louder and louder. Mike hears the noise and comes out of the security booth. Standing directly in front of the security gate, Mike listens as the sound gets closer and closer. Suddenly from around the corner, tires are screeching, engine revving, and the horn blaring La Cucaracha are right there in front of the estate. Smashing right through the security gate at ninety miles-per-hour is a white 1970's convertible Cadillac. The hood of the Caddy is adorned with the spiked horns of a steer. The passengers inside the car include a midget; two hot, busty babes; a very muscular chick; a person in a donkey suit; and the driver, the MC of Koo Koo Ka Choo himself, David Lee Roth. Looking down to see Mike pinned under the security gate, Roth says " Hi ya, Mikey!" Having had the wind knocked out of him, Mike can only muster the reply of "Aaaga haa aaaaah." PART 6: THE DREAM JAM (It is also the end of the series)      The two former band mates stare at each other in disbelief. Mike is puzzled why Roth would show up at the Van Halen estate and David is wondering why Michael is wearing a security guards uniform.  "Dave?" Mike questioned. "In the freaking flesh, my foul fiendish friend. WOW!," said Dave, screaming with an energy burst equal to that of the sun. "Does the Boss ... I mean Ed, know you are coming over?" asked Mike. "Well Mikey Mikey, Mikey, bo bikey, fee fi, mo Mikey, not exactly. I figured it would be a nice surprise. By the way, what's the deal with the monkey suit?" Roth asked.      Mike, breaking down and sobbing, tells Dave of the many changes that have occurred since his departure in 1985. "Dave, I have been reduced to washing his clothes, mowing his lawn, babysitting his kid, waxing his cars, painting his house, fixing his meals "Mikey, I get the picture." Roth interrupted. "To make matters worse, I am not even allowed to look Ed in the eye when he speaks at me," Mike sobbed. "Well, listen here my peanut-shaped pal. I am here to change all that. Follow me." Roth said.       Mike, wiping tears away, got up and followed Dave into 5150. The doors to 5150 flew open as if hurricane force winds kicked them in. In the doorway, engulfed in bright lights, David Lee Roth poses for all to see. One by one, the party-goers take notice and the fiesta comes to a screeching halt. All eyes are fixated on Roth, who is now starting to make a slow, Buddy Love-like bad-ass walk to where Edward is seated. Michael sheepishly follows. As Dave struts across the room, Tommy Lee comes up and tries to pick a fight. "Hey Dave, go back to Vegauggggghh." Dave, without missing a beat, stops Tommy in mid-sentence with a chop to the adam's apple, grabs Pamela and they mash their tongues into a flesh pretzel.. "Oh Dave," Pamela gushes." Take it easy, doll- face. This cat was born to roam," replied a smooth Diamond Dave. And with that he pushes her by the face to the ground.  Dave scans the room looking for Edward, spots him and walks over. "Hey, Fingers. How have ya been?" asks Dave. An incoherent, booze-soaked Edward looks up and sees a blonde figure standing over him. "Ohsh hi Shammy, didggg youshgg seegg theshs elephantshgggsgh, allsggg pinkssgg an furryggsshh?" asked Edward.      Just then, Alex walks up to the table. "Dave, what are you doing here?" Demanded Alex. "Look you Gotti wannabe, get up there behind the kit and get ready to slam the cans. Mikey, you too. Grab your thumper and get up there on the stage." Roth ordered. Mike, confused, looked at his crotch. "Mike, not that thumper, your bass," said Roth. Alex, not used to being ordered around and feeling knocked off his pedestal did as he was told. On the other hand, Mike, used to taking orders, also obeyed.      Dave took a look at the comatose King of Kramer and knew he had to use the emergency brew to revive him. Dave motioned for the drummer of Bon Jovi to come over. "Hey Chico, Taco, Tito, whatever the fuck your name is. Get over here! Go to the bar and get me two bottles of Jack, one bottle Jaigermeister, three bottles of Wild Turkey, one bottle Everclear, two bottles Schnapps, preferably peppermint, one bottle Old Grand Dad, one bottle Vermouth, and two bottles of vinegar," Roth barked. The drummer from Bon Jovi ran to the bar, grabbed the ingredients, ran back and handed them to Dave.      Dave turned to Tico and told him to take off his boots, as he needed something to mix the potion in. Tico took off his boots and handed them over. Dave poured the ingredients into the boots like a mad scientist from a B-movie.      After shaking the mixture for a full ten minutes, Dave knew it was ready. "Taco, hold Eddies mouth open while I perform the bottoms-up," said David.  Dave slowly poured the fuel into Ed, then threw the empty boots out of his way. "This won't take long. Have the Kramer ready," Dave yelled. Ed, was sitting there lifeless, but all of a sudden, his right leg shot up and locked straight out. His left hand followed. Everyone stared as they could see the life coming back into him. Suddenly, Ed shot out of the seat screaming, "WOO WOO WOO, YUCK YUCK YUCK, YAA YAA YAA, ZOWIIE WOWIIE!!!"      Dave thrust the Kramer into Ed's hands, just as Ed began running around the room bouncing off furniture and walls like a runaway top. Dave ran up on stage and gave the signal to the roadies to turn on the power. Eddie's Kramer is totally juiced and ready to roar. Ed lifts his arm up high in the air and brings it back down tearing into vicious power chords. After a twenty minute,     Thor-inspired solo, Ed tears into the now familiar opening to Unchained. The crowd is going bonkers, uniformly punching their fists into the air. The collective thought among crowd is: "Finally." Alex, pounding the cans with tree trunks for sticks, thinks to himself, "Daves back. I am moving my wife to Australia." Dave, smoking the lyrics, scans the crowd for babes. Eddie, doing the neck tap like a typist on speed, looks over at Dave, smiles and thinks to himself, "I love that guy." Mike, plucking the strings as if he were demon-possessed, thinks aloud, "Did I take the brownies out of the oven?"! THE END To email the article you just read above to someone else {click here} .

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