Dave Crashes Lilith Fair- By T4 Guitar Dave Crashes Lilith Fair- By T4 Guitar The second season of the much ballyhooed Lilith Fair Concert Festival, featuring such folk and light rock artists as Sarah McLachlan, Natalie Merchant, Paula Cole, and the Indigo Girls, was interrupted last night in San Antonio by the surprise and raucous appearance of David Lee Roth, original singer for the heavy metal supergroup Van Halen. "Mr. Roth will_ hear from our attorneys," a steely McLachlan, founder and headliner of the Tour, stated at an emergency press conference organized immediately after the incident. "Today was a black day for touchy feely music and sensitive people everywhere. That man is a pig." "He just ruined everything!" sobbed Jewel, one of the singer songwriters featured on the Tour. Amidst questions to other performers, Jewel interrupted several times to add emphatically, "I'm from Alaska! I grew up poor!" The fracas began midway through pop fledging Fiona Apple's self described "bitter" set. Roth, suspended from a giant chain, swooped down on stage before the puzzled and then terrified crowd of 20,000, most of whom were either insecure female literature majors or gay menwho work in Barnes and Noble bookstores and/or Starbucks coffeeshops. Roth, wearing spandex leggings and a ripped tank top apparently made from some net material, detached from the chain, then ran out and gestured grandly to the uneasy crowd. Groping Apple lewdly, wiggling his ass into the nearest of many cameras, he then shouted "I HEARD SAN ANTONIO LIKES TO PARTY!!!!" into the nearest live microphone. Slinging the fiery but diminutive Apple over his shoulder, smacking her thighs repeatedly as she pummeled his back with her fists, he cued bandmembers (apparently smuggled onstage) to hit the opening riff of the Van Halen classic "Hot For Teacher." Roth was able to elude security and perform for roughly twenty minutes, as apparently he brought a number of bodyguards with him, who not only prevented his removal from the stage but also the shutting down of the soundboard and massive audio electrical system wired throughout the stadium. As the crowd threw cups, beads, concert tee-shirts, and flaming bras at him, Roth returned their fire with incendiary performances of such classic Van Halen nuggets as "Running with the Devil," "Panama," "Jump," and the highly suggestive "Ice Cream Man." By all appearances, Roth, teasing his blonde mane of hair as he karate kicked across the stage, seemed to enjoy himself thoroughly. So, too, did the handful of boyfriends who surely thought they were in for a grim evening of dreary acoustic hugs when they agreed to go with their girlfriends to this latest stop in the summer long Lilith Fair Tour. "I JUST HOPE I SHOWED YOU PEOPLE WHAT YOU'RE MISSING BY FORKING OVER FIFTY BUCKS TO SEE LAME CHICK ROCK LIKE THIS," Roth shouted nodding derisively at the fuming Merchant and other female performers just offstage. Then, announcing it was time for "Diamond Dave's Vocabulary Session," Roth mockingly donned a large pair of novelty glasses and looked up the word "misogyny" in a pocket dictionary. He read the definition aloud to the furious crowd before seguing into an explosive "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love." Shortly afterward, Roth happily allowed himself to be arrested after closing his set with the thunderous wallop of "Everybody Wants Some." He even briefly introduced the Indigo Girls before leaving the stage by saying "NOW THESE TWO, UH, LADIES CAN HARMONIZE WELL TOGETHER. AND AFTER A FEW BEERS, THEY MIGHT LOOK PRETTY GOOD TOGETHER, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? GIVE IT UP FOR THEM, AND THEY MIGHT GIVE IT UP FOR YOU!!! THE INDIGO GIRLS!!!!! WOOOO-HOOOOO!" The original Lilith Fair concert lineup was resumed ten or so minutes after Roth left the stage. Subsequently, every single performance was dedicated to "the eradication of _all_ men from the _entire_ planet!!!!" Deafeningly defiant roars greeted each new song. The San Antonio District Attorney's Office is investigating the case, a police spokesperson stated. Roth posted $50,000 bail this morning. As he left the courthouse grinning, a throng of reporters asked what he planned to do next. "Why go to Disneyland, of course," the loquacious Roth cartoonishly responded while signing autographs. "Or maybe that Paula Cole's house. I think she likes me, you know. She might not act like it, but she does. You can tell. I'm not bragging, but you can just tell, you know?" Neither Cole nor Eddie Van Halen returned calls late this afternoon. The Lilith Fair Tour continues throughout the summer. To email the article you just read above to someone else {click here} .

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