View Full Version : Things To Ponder
Ozzy Fudd
10-03-2004, 08:25 PM
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth!
Warham
10-03-2004, 08:35 PM
Hilarious.
:D
Top Ten Reasons Why Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to find and hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage out on the curb.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone [exclamation point removed]"
And, finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve:
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than that."
sambo
10-04-2004, 01:20 AM
Originally posted by lms2
8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.`
LOL, very insightful..
Rules Men Wish Women Knew
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are.
Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or
the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never
going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult.
We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair,
out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That
is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us
how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever
you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose
their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses.
We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings.
Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why
MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be.
Our lack of mind-reading ability is not
proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are
lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly
fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry;
the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
Sarge's Little Helper
10-04-2004, 01:20 AM
`
LOL, very insightful..
Rules Men Wish Women Knew
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are.
Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or
the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never
going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult.
We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair,
out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That
is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us
how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever
you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose
their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses.
We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings.
Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why
MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be.
Our lack of mind-reading ability is not
proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are
lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly
fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry;
the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
Oops. I wasn't paying attention. Tell me again what is going on.
sambo
10-04-2004, 01:39 AM
Things you'll NEVER hear one woman say to another woman
************************************************
That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping
my husband company while I go for a swim?
Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go
introduce myself!
His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm
happy for them both.
If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.
I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned
waiter with a heart of gold any day!
We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him
with the color choices!
He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
Why?
I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt *is* fat!
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