The Knockz
11-05-2004, 03:42 PM
What do you do when your guest interview fails to return his questions on time? Well. we at HARDKNOCKZ know that shit aint' gonna fly so we contacted a friend of the site who put us in contact with Mr. Enricque' Jones.Who the fuck is that you ask? We are glad you did. Mr. Jones is none other than "the metal man servant". Once Gene Simmon's pool boy, Lita Ford's landscaper and yards keeper and then David Lee Roth's personal house assistant, now aspiring author and landscaper in the shrubbed shrouded homes of Malibu. Enricque Jones has alot to talk about and HARDKNOCKZ is the first to listen and help promote his new book " HARD ROCK HANDY MAN" available late July on Platinum Pressings.
HARDKNOCKZ: How are you doing Mr.Jones? We appreciate the save, as you were told RAY DANIELS , VAN HALEN's former manager ran into a issue regarding the legalities to speak with us. So what's your story? How did you come to work in these "metal circles"?
E J: Well, as a teen after moving from Bolivia to the U.S., I knew I wanted to be involved in music. I practiced guitar every day but unfortunately it just never came to me easily. So then I attempted to learn the bass, as most bass players seem relatively unskilled. It was then, around 1982 that while in a guitar shop in Hollywood that I took lesson's at, that Gene Simmon's walked in with a entourage picking up a order of picks he ordered and some strings. I nearly shit my ripped up 501 jeans. During this time I was just 19 or 20 and in good physical shape so when I saw GENE walk in a tried to muster my best bass playing pose , so I flexed my arms and started plucking away. GENE noticed and said something like "I wouldn't mind seeing him around my pool..," "Hey kid, you have a job?" So I said I was a unemployed at the moment which wasn't true as I worked right across the street as a landscaper and pool maintenance person at a now long gone Hollywood hotel. "So, you want to work for me?" Gene asked and the rest is history.
HARDKNOCKZ: So GENE hired you as a pool boy? Based strictly on your looks and your lack of musical skills?
E J: GENE is a giver. I think it made him feel important to help the less fortunate. So immediately Gene tell's me to be at his house at 6:00 a.m. the next morn , and gives me directions on the back of a napkin..
HARDKNOCKZ: So what exactly was your job?
E J: Gee, I hate to say it was actually work. GENE would have me clean and skim his pool which took all of 30 minutes and then the rest of the day when he was home I'd have to constantly pick up bikini's floating around the water as the multitude of women there always managed to end up naked. GENE could have paid me minimum wage and I would have been happy. GENE admired my dedication and in short time I was telling his bartender what to do.., GENE liked to delegate jobs to others and just sit back and see what would happen with more responsibility.
HARDKNOCKZ: So there was lot's of naked women? Where was SHANNON TWEED? I thought GENE didn't drink?
E J: GENE never touched alcohol, but naked women like lot's of booze, and so did his other guests. SHANNON often was there too, or out filming one of those movies that she does. PAUL STANLEY would occasionally drink during his frequent visits. PAUL was especially there often.
HARDKNOCKZ: How long did you retain this job?
E J: From summer 1982 to 1984 , late 1984. I loved my job.., it was great, for a kid from Bolivia to work with a famous rocker was amazing. In the end I was handling all of GENE's little issues like answering the gate buzzer call's and ringing in the ordered food. GENE liked to order lot's of food. PAUL STANLEY would show up and it would be like "Hey E J, get us some lobster and the works". SHANNON would hate it when he would order food out all the time. Why do you think he's so fucking fat now? It ain't SHANNON's cooking. She cooks worse than she acts. Her movies would go straight to video and her dinners straight to the trash can.
HARDKNOCKZ: What was PAUL like? Any other famous people there?
E J: PAUL was very funny and friendly. Back then PAUL had his hair real long and KISS were still the shit. PAUL would always head straight to the pool where all the naked women were. He was a magnet. He'd strip down to a pair of little gay looking speedo short's. The 80's KISS ruled. I remember Vinnie Vincent showing up once and GENE liked to fuck with him, so he would ring the buzzer and I would ask who was there and he would say "VINNIE". I would say "Who?" and VINNIE would yell back "VINNIE, You asshole" and GENE would be laughing his ass off. I would always say "WHO?" at least 3 times to VINNIE, until he'd be almost crying like a bitch. GENE would just love to see him and ERIC CARR get upset..,
HARDKNOCKZ: Well, that has to be where we ask you about PAUL. The rumors are that he is or was gay for awhile. Any comments?
E J: NO-FUCKING WAY! PAUL could meet a women he never saw or met before and be humping her where she stands in 3 minutes. He had that look. He could hypnotize women I swear. Plus in his speedo's it always looked like he was harboring some medium sized rodent. His cock would move around his shorts all by itself. He would stand there and flex his shit and the women would just line up. I saw PAUL bang maybe 5 women one night. He was with all 5 of them. (why are you looking at his cock?)
HARDKNOCKZ: So what happened? Why did you leave GENE?
E J: Well I think it was SHANNON's idea. One day at dinner time while SHANNON was in the kitchen fucking some perfectly good food up, I made the comment to GENE that I said earlier " She cooks worse than she acts".., and the next day when I attempted to buzz in at the gate I was told my services were no longer required. I have never heard from GENE or PAUL again. ( guess you fucked up, bro)
HARDKNOCKZ: So then what happened?
E J: Within a week I received a call from LITA's people. She needed a landscaper and a pool guy. Word had gotten out that I was a cool guy I guess.
HARDKNOCKZ: LITA FUCKING FORD? Did you ever see her naked?
E J: Almost, she would get in her pool and strip down and not allow me to come near it until she was done swimming. She was a babe. ( YOU ALMOST SAW HER NAKED? YOU FAAAAG!)
HARDKNOCKZ: She would swim naked? While you were there?
E J: I would only be there for a few hours each day and when I showed up if she was heading to the pool I was told to wait under the patio. I would be touching myself just at the thought of LITA being naked. When I cleaned the pool I would always splash a little on my face after she got out.(OH YOU SICK BASTARD!)
HARDKNOCKZ: Did you ever get to mow her lawn or perhaps trim her bush?
E J: I fucking wish. I will tell you this, LITA has the best ass in the biz. THAT BISCUIT IS MADE FOR A TOSSING!
HARDKNOCKZ: Do you have any dirt on LITA?
E J: I have to save it for the book, but not really. I was only there a short time. The pay wasn't as good so I needed to move on. It was only a few months later and I landed a job with DLR at his mansion.
HARDKNOCKZ: Good, what was DAVE like?
E J: Dave was the coolest man in the world.
HARDKNOCKZ: What year was this?
E J: It was right after Halen returned from the 1984 tour. DAVE was restless and ready to tackle some new territory.
HARDKNOCKZ: What were your jobs at DAVE's place?
E J: I maintained the pool, the yards, the exterior of DAVE's mansion.
HARDKNOCKZ: Did DAVE use his pool often? Was he home often?
E J: When DAVE was there he was in the pool a lot. He liked the exercise. He would swim laps like a professional to the point of burn-out. The man trained like a athlete. I would sit and watch this guy push himself to the edge no matter how much it hurt. I accidently came back one time when DAVE was in the pool with 4 nude babes and they all came out of the pool to drink some soda naked and then DAVE stepped out naked too.
HARDKNOCKZ: That had to have been a shocker.
E J: I hope this doesn't sound gay but there were these 4 totally nude babes, back then PETE ANGELUS was on the phone doing something, and there was DAVE standing there toweling off naked. He looked like chewbacca with a sub-sandwich hanging off of him.
HARDKNOCKZ: What does that mean? Or should we ask?
E J: The mother fucker is hung like a sub-sandwich. You know, the one's with all the meat hanging over the edge. DAVE's cock is so fucking big that if the head of his penis made a phone call to his balls, it'd have to dial long distance. If cock were sausage, DAVE would be JIMMY DEAN.
HARDKNOCKZ: umm.., ok, thanx for the description. What do you remember about that period after the HALEN split?
E J: DAVE was sad yet excited, I know DAVE never wanted to leave HALEN. But when he formed the EEAS band he knew he had equaled HALEN.
HARDKNOCKZ: Your vibe on that band?
E J: As a wanna-be guitarist, that band was packed with talent. VAI and SHEEHAN, no one could touch those two. And great guys the few times I met them.
HARDKNOCKZ: So how long did you work for DAVE?
E J: Clear up to the DLR BAND was being formed. It was to be APPICE, SHEEHAN, HARTMAN, and then it evolved into something else entirely.
HARDKNOCKZ: Why did you leave?
E J: I got married and started a landscaping business.
HARDKNOCKZ: How had DAVE changed over the years?
E J: Well after the EEAS band faded he grew abit cranky. His HALEN , that he and SHEEHAN created was gone. He knew he could never equal that band again. And it took years before he would. Plus his ass is bald now, where as it used to be quite hairy. Where do you think his transplants came from? DAVE is so fucking hairy that sometimes he would lose the key's to his Mercury and it turned out they were hanging from his chest hairs. True Story.
HARDKNOCKZ: THE DLR BAND?
E J: Yes. I remember one night CARMINE was at the house and everyone was drinking and making some music and bullshitting when CARMINE farted in front of DAVE and that was the last we saw of CARMINE. You just didn't fart in front of DAVE. DAVE was all about being cool and crapping aint cool, not at DAVE's place. It was so bad that cockroaches from Pasadena to IRVINE rolled over and died. I think it may have been something that JOHNNY ROD left lodged in his ass. I thought I was in NAZI Germany. MIKE HARTMAN said goodbye to CARMINE and that was it.That started the evolution of what became the DLR BAND.
HARDKNOCKZ: When was the last time you saw DAVE?
E J: In VEGAS, his last tour.
HARDKNOCKZ: So you are writing a book?
E J: Yes , at this time it's scheduled for a July release.
HARDKNOCKZ: What can we expect? More of the same here?
E J: I think it's a fun read. I only skimmed the story. Plus I do the lawns of some celeb's now.
HARDKNOCKZ: Have you ever had anal sex?
E J: Who fucking cares? The answer is yes, but who really cares.
HARDKNOCKZ: Well we thank you for your time.., any thing else to say?
E J: YES, Love the site, it's really fresh. I'll send you a book when it comes out.
HARDKNOCKZ: How are you doing Mr.Jones? We appreciate the save, as you were told RAY DANIELS , VAN HALEN's former manager ran into a issue regarding the legalities to speak with us. So what's your story? How did you come to work in these "metal circles"?
E J: Well, as a teen after moving from Bolivia to the U.S., I knew I wanted to be involved in music. I practiced guitar every day but unfortunately it just never came to me easily. So then I attempted to learn the bass, as most bass players seem relatively unskilled. It was then, around 1982 that while in a guitar shop in Hollywood that I took lesson's at, that Gene Simmon's walked in with a entourage picking up a order of picks he ordered and some strings. I nearly shit my ripped up 501 jeans. During this time I was just 19 or 20 and in good physical shape so when I saw GENE walk in a tried to muster my best bass playing pose , so I flexed my arms and started plucking away. GENE noticed and said something like "I wouldn't mind seeing him around my pool..," "Hey kid, you have a job?" So I said I was a unemployed at the moment which wasn't true as I worked right across the street as a landscaper and pool maintenance person at a now long gone Hollywood hotel. "So, you want to work for me?" Gene asked and the rest is history.
HARDKNOCKZ: So GENE hired you as a pool boy? Based strictly on your looks and your lack of musical skills?
E J: GENE is a giver. I think it made him feel important to help the less fortunate. So immediately Gene tell's me to be at his house at 6:00 a.m. the next morn , and gives me directions on the back of a napkin..
HARDKNOCKZ: So what exactly was your job?
E J: Gee, I hate to say it was actually work. GENE would have me clean and skim his pool which took all of 30 minutes and then the rest of the day when he was home I'd have to constantly pick up bikini's floating around the water as the multitude of women there always managed to end up naked. GENE could have paid me minimum wage and I would have been happy. GENE admired my dedication and in short time I was telling his bartender what to do.., GENE liked to delegate jobs to others and just sit back and see what would happen with more responsibility.
HARDKNOCKZ: So there was lot's of naked women? Where was SHANNON TWEED? I thought GENE didn't drink?
E J: GENE never touched alcohol, but naked women like lot's of booze, and so did his other guests. SHANNON often was there too, or out filming one of those movies that she does. PAUL STANLEY would occasionally drink during his frequent visits. PAUL was especially there often.
HARDKNOCKZ: How long did you retain this job?
E J: From summer 1982 to 1984 , late 1984. I loved my job.., it was great, for a kid from Bolivia to work with a famous rocker was amazing. In the end I was handling all of GENE's little issues like answering the gate buzzer call's and ringing in the ordered food. GENE liked to order lot's of food. PAUL STANLEY would show up and it would be like "Hey E J, get us some lobster and the works". SHANNON would hate it when he would order food out all the time. Why do you think he's so fucking fat now? It ain't SHANNON's cooking. She cooks worse than she acts. Her movies would go straight to video and her dinners straight to the trash can.
HARDKNOCKZ: What was PAUL like? Any other famous people there?
E J: PAUL was very funny and friendly. Back then PAUL had his hair real long and KISS were still the shit. PAUL would always head straight to the pool where all the naked women were. He was a magnet. He'd strip down to a pair of little gay looking speedo short's. The 80's KISS ruled. I remember Vinnie Vincent showing up once and GENE liked to fuck with him, so he would ring the buzzer and I would ask who was there and he would say "VINNIE". I would say "Who?" and VINNIE would yell back "VINNIE, You asshole" and GENE would be laughing his ass off. I would always say "WHO?" at least 3 times to VINNIE, until he'd be almost crying like a bitch. GENE would just love to see him and ERIC CARR get upset..,
HARDKNOCKZ: Well, that has to be where we ask you about PAUL. The rumors are that he is or was gay for awhile. Any comments?
E J: NO-FUCKING WAY! PAUL could meet a women he never saw or met before and be humping her where she stands in 3 minutes. He had that look. He could hypnotize women I swear. Plus in his speedo's it always looked like he was harboring some medium sized rodent. His cock would move around his shorts all by itself. He would stand there and flex his shit and the women would just line up. I saw PAUL bang maybe 5 women one night. He was with all 5 of them. (why are you looking at his cock?)
HARDKNOCKZ: So what happened? Why did you leave GENE?
E J: Well I think it was SHANNON's idea. One day at dinner time while SHANNON was in the kitchen fucking some perfectly good food up, I made the comment to GENE that I said earlier " She cooks worse than she acts".., and the next day when I attempted to buzz in at the gate I was told my services were no longer required. I have never heard from GENE or PAUL again. ( guess you fucked up, bro)
HARDKNOCKZ: So then what happened?
E J: Within a week I received a call from LITA's people. She needed a landscaper and a pool guy. Word had gotten out that I was a cool guy I guess.
HARDKNOCKZ: LITA FUCKING FORD? Did you ever see her naked?
E J: Almost, she would get in her pool and strip down and not allow me to come near it until she was done swimming. She was a babe. ( YOU ALMOST SAW HER NAKED? YOU FAAAAG!)
HARDKNOCKZ: She would swim naked? While you were there?
E J: I would only be there for a few hours each day and when I showed up if she was heading to the pool I was told to wait under the patio. I would be touching myself just at the thought of LITA being naked. When I cleaned the pool I would always splash a little on my face after she got out.(OH YOU SICK BASTARD!)
HARDKNOCKZ: Did you ever get to mow her lawn or perhaps trim her bush?
E J: I fucking wish. I will tell you this, LITA has the best ass in the biz. THAT BISCUIT IS MADE FOR A TOSSING!
HARDKNOCKZ: Do you have any dirt on LITA?
E J: I have to save it for the book, but not really. I was only there a short time. The pay wasn't as good so I needed to move on. It was only a few months later and I landed a job with DLR at his mansion.
HARDKNOCKZ: Good, what was DAVE like?
E J: Dave was the coolest man in the world.
HARDKNOCKZ: What year was this?
E J: It was right after Halen returned from the 1984 tour. DAVE was restless and ready to tackle some new territory.
HARDKNOCKZ: What were your jobs at DAVE's place?
E J: I maintained the pool, the yards, the exterior of DAVE's mansion.
HARDKNOCKZ: Did DAVE use his pool often? Was he home often?
E J: When DAVE was there he was in the pool a lot. He liked the exercise. He would swim laps like a professional to the point of burn-out. The man trained like a athlete. I would sit and watch this guy push himself to the edge no matter how much it hurt. I accidently came back one time when DAVE was in the pool with 4 nude babes and they all came out of the pool to drink some soda naked and then DAVE stepped out naked too.
HARDKNOCKZ: That had to have been a shocker.
E J: I hope this doesn't sound gay but there were these 4 totally nude babes, back then PETE ANGELUS was on the phone doing something, and there was DAVE standing there toweling off naked. He looked like chewbacca with a sub-sandwich hanging off of him.
HARDKNOCKZ: What does that mean? Or should we ask?
E J: The mother fucker is hung like a sub-sandwich. You know, the one's with all the meat hanging over the edge. DAVE's cock is so fucking big that if the head of his penis made a phone call to his balls, it'd have to dial long distance. If cock were sausage, DAVE would be JIMMY DEAN.
HARDKNOCKZ: umm.., ok, thanx for the description. What do you remember about that period after the HALEN split?
E J: DAVE was sad yet excited, I know DAVE never wanted to leave HALEN. But when he formed the EEAS band he knew he had equaled HALEN.
HARDKNOCKZ: Your vibe on that band?
E J: As a wanna-be guitarist, that band was packed with talent. VAI and SHEEHAN, no one could touch those two. And great guys the few times I met them.
HARDKNOCKZ: So how long did you work for DAVE?
E J: Clear up to the DLR BAND was being formed. It was to be APPICE, SHEEHAN, HARTMAN, and then it evolved into something else entirely.
HARDKNOCKZ: Why did you leave?
E J: I got married and started a landscaping business.
HARDKNOCKZ: How had DAVE changed over the years?
E J: Well after the EEAS band faded he grew abit cranky. His HALEN , that he and SHEEHAN created was gone. He knew he could never equal that band again. And it took years before he would. Plus his ass is bald now, where as it used to be quite hairy. Where do you think his transplants came from? DAVE is so fucking hairy that sometimes he would lose the key's to his Mercury and it turned out they were hanging from his chest hairs. True Story.
HARDKNOCKZ: THE DLR BAND?
E J: Yes. I remember one night CARMINE was at the house and everyone was drinking and making some music and bullshitting when CARMINE farted in front of DAVE and that was the last we saw of CARMINE. You just didn't fart in front of DAVE. DAVE was all about being cool and crapping aint cool, not at DAVE's place. It was so bad that cockroaches from Pasadena to IRVINE rolled over and died. I think it may have been something that JOHNNY ROD left lodged in his ass. I thought I was in NAZI Germany. MIKE HARTMAN said goodbye to CARMINE and that was it.That started the evolution of what became the DLR BAND.
HARDKNOCKZ: When was the last time you saw DAVE?
E J: In VEGAS, his last tour.
HARDKNOCKZ: So you are writing a book?
E J: Yes , at this time it's scheduled for a July release.
HARDKNOCKZ: What can we expect? More of the same here?
E J: I think it's a fun read. I only skimmed the story. Plus I do the lawns of some celeb's now.
HARDKNOCKZ: Have you ever had anal sex?
E J: Who fucking cares? The answer is yes, but who really cares.
HARDKNOCKZ: Well we thank you for your time.., any thing else to say?
E J: YES, Love the site, it's really fresh. I'll send you a book when it comes out.