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Bush Proposes Splitting Iraq into Red, Blue States
Author: Andy Borowitz
Published on Jan 11, 2005, 07:37
With little more than two weeks until the Iraqi elections, President George W. Bush today proposed splitting the strife-torn nation into a series of red and blue states "in recognition of the deep hatreds that divide the Iraqi people."
While many in diplomatic circles had expected the U.S. to attempt to smooth over the differences between Iraqis in the run-up to the election, Mr. Bush said that he instead hoped to split the nation in two, with each half "hating the other's guts."
Using a map of Iraq and a pointer, Mr. Bush showed reporters how Iraq would be carved up, with a wide swath of red states in the middle of the country bordered by two narrow slivers of blue states.
Mr. Bush said that, effective immediately, the red states would be populated by Iraqis "who love freedom" while the blue states would contain "insurgents, terrorists, and Iraqis who favor gay marriage."
"I'm a uniter," Mr. Bush said, "but I'm also a pretty darn good divider."
In other Iraq news, the U.S. announced that recently departed CNN commentator Tucker Carlson would be added to the election-night news team for the Arabic-language television network established there by the U.S. government.
Mr. Carlson said that the fact that he did not understand Arabic would not be a problem, explaining, "I never listen to what other people are saying anyway."
Elsewhere, Vice President Dick Cheney blasted the United Nations' handling of Iraq's oil-for-food program, alleging that the organization accepted bribes and kickbacks that were rightfully Halliburton's.
Andy Borowitz writes a daily humor column at www.borowitzreport.com and is the author of a new book, THE BOROWITZ REPORT: THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS.
© Copyright 2005 by YubaNet.com
Send your letters to the editor to news@yubanet.com
Author: Andy Borowitz
Published on Jan 11, 2005, 07:37
With little more than two weeks until the Iraqi elections, President George W. Bush today proposed splitting the strife-torn nation into a series of red and blue states "in recognition of the deep hatreds that divide the Iraqi people."
While many in diplomatic circles had expected the U.S. to attempt to smooth over the differences between Iraqis in the run-up to the election, Mr. Bush said that he instead hoped to split the nation in two, with each half "hating the other's guts."
Using a map of Iraq and a pointer, Mr. Bush showed reporters how Iraq would be carved up, with a wide swath of red states in the middle of the country bordered by two narrow slivers of blue states.
Mr. Bush said that, effective immediately, the red states would be populated by Iraqis "who love freedom" while the blue states would contain "insurgents, terrorists, and Iraqis who favor gay marriage."
"I'm a uniter," Mr. Bush said, "but I'm also a pretty darn good divider."
In other Iraq news, the U.S. announced that recently departed CNN commentator Tucker Carlson would be added to the election-night news team for the Arabic-language television network established there by the U.S. government.
Mr. Carlson said that the fact that he did not understand Arabic would not be a problem, explaining, "I never listen to what other people are saying anyway."
Elsewhere, Vice President Dick Cheney blasted the United Nations' handling of Iraq's oil-for-food program, alleging that the organization accepted bribes and kickbacks that were rightfully Halliburton's.
Andy Borowitz writes a daily humor column at www.borowitzreport.com and is the author of a new book, THE BOROWITZ REPORT: THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS.
© Copyright 2005 by YubaNet.com
Send your letters to the editor to news@yubanet.com
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