the fucking sick jokes thread

[flappo]

What's the worst part about eating out your grandmother?

Hitting your head on the coffin lid.

[flappo]

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for an prenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies. Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one...

"What was that?", the other two ask, curiously.


"Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby", she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.


Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...


5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..


"What was that?", the other two enquire


"Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" and she pats her stomach affectionately.


All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting...


5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..


"What was that?" ask the other two..


"Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves..."

[flappo]

Two hobos bump into each other on the street.

"Hey Frank, how was your weekend?"

"Oh mine was great. I found a whole case of beer and a box of uneaten donuts I had a big feast. How was yours?"

"Mine was incredible. I was walking along by the train tracks when I run across this woman tied to the tracks. She was gorgeous! I untied her and took her back to my cardboard box and she was so grateful that she let me have sex with her right then and there. Then we went back to my shipping crate I use for a house and stayed in the crate and had sex in every position you could imagine all weekend long."

"Wow! That is really something. So tell me, did she blow you?"

"No I couldn't find her head."

[flappo]

A man is walking through the desert. He is thirsty and close to death when he spots a man at his stall.

He begs him for some water but the man only has custard.

The man continues through the desert and he spots another stall this time selling only jam.

Confused the man continues until he spots a third man.

On the verge of death he pleads with the man for a drink but this guy only has sponge fingers to sell.

"I don't get it" the man says "One of you sells custard, one sells jam and you sell sponge fingers. That's a bit strange don't you think?"

The man looks at him and says:

"Yes Sir it is a trifle bazaar."

[flappo]

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"What are cojones?" the man asks.

"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.

"What's this?" he asks the waiter.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

[flappo]

This reporter gets this lead on this story about this really special pig. So he goes to interview the pig's owner for the evening broadcast. He drives to the house, knocks on the door. The man opens the door and invites him inside. The reporter says, "I understand that you've got a very special pig here."

The man says, "Special? Hell son, let me tell you some stories about that pig."

"About ten years ago, I found this pig by the roadside. He had dropped off of a pickup truck, and left for dead. So I went and picked him up and nursed him back to health. About two years later the whole family was asleep, and the house and barn caught on fire. The pig busted into the window, woke me up, and told me the house was on fire"

The reporter is stunned. "You mean to tell me that that pig can talk?"

"Hell, yes, he can talk," says the farmer. "This pig is helping to perfect the cold fusion process, and he's on the lecture circuit, making $10,000 per speech."

The reporter asks the farmer hastily, "Can we go see this miracle pig now???"

The farmer replies, "Sure we can." So they go out into the farmyard, and there, sitting on the fence smoking a cigarette is this pig missing one front leg and one hind leg.

The pig says to the reporter, "Hello there. Beautiful weather, isn't it? I haven't seen weather this pretty since I was sailing the Barbados..."

The reporter is too stunned to respond. He drags the farmer back into the house, and says, "Dammit, you're right. The pig can talk!!!"

The farmer says, "See, I told you."

Then the reporter says, "I've just got one question. What happened to his legs?"

The farmer says, "You see, son, a pig that smart, you just CAN'T eat him all at once."

[flappo]

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?


A: Nothing, you damn well told the bitch twice.

[flappo]

Q: Why wasn't JFK a good boxer?

A: He couldn't take a shot to the head.

[flappo]

A Russian, a Mexican and a Texan walk into a bar.

The russian orders a bottle of vodka
The mexican a bottle of tequila
And the Texan a bottle of Shiner.

They're drinkin' steadily and starting to feel the liquor when the russian suddenly tosses the bottle of vodka in the air and shoots it with his pistol.
"There is much vodka in Russia" he sputters.
The mexican looks at his bottle of tequila, looks at the russian, throws the bottle into the air and shoots it with his pistol.
"There is plenty o' Tequila in Mehico too" he drunkenly declairs.
The texan seeing all of this, turns around and tosses his beer bottle into the air and shoots the mexican.
"Plenty a damn Mexicans in Texas."

[flappo]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident."

"OH MY GOD! Will she be alright?" Harry asks.

The Doctor replies, "Well I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that the injuries are pretty severe. She's a quadriplegic which means she's lost the use of her arms and legs and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God, that's terrible!! W-w-what's the good news?"

The doctor says, "The good news is that I'm kidding. She's dead."

[flappo]

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, will you shut up!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

[scottydabodi]

How do you make a 6-year old cry twice?

Fuck her in the ass, then punch out her teddy bear.

[VHdamaco]

jesus christ...

this is the greatest thread i have ever seen...

keep it up you guys

[Anonymous]

"Mom, mom! Does gramma knows mechanics?" "No, Joey. Why do you ask?" "'Cos she's lying under the bus."

Cheers! :bottle:

[Golden AWe]

Originally posted by flappo
Two hobos bump into each other on the street.

"Hey Frank, how was your weekend?"

"Oh mine was great. I found a whole case of beer and a box of uneaten donuts I had a big feast. How was yours?"

"Mine was incredible. I was walking along by the train tracks when I run across this woman tied to the tracks. She was gorgeous! I untied her and took her back to my cardboard box and she was so grateful that she let me have sex with her right then and there. Then we went back to my shipping crate I use for a house and stayed in the crate and had sex in every position you could imagine all weekend long."

"Wow! That is really something. So tell me, did she blow you?"

"No I couldn't find her head."


AHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH!!!!

[Chester]

A door-to-door salesman has had a really rough day and decided to try one more house before heading home. He knocks on the door, determined to make a sale. A small boy opens the door, and the salesman starts in with his sales pitch. The boy stood there speechless, and the salesman, seeing that he wasn't getting anywhere, asked the boy where his mother was. The boy didn't say a word and just pointed upstairs. The salesman goes up the stairs, opens the bedroom door and finds the boy's mother in bed with a goat!! Completely flabbergasted, the salesman slams the door shut and flies down the stairs. He grabs the little boy by the shoulders and yells, "Do you know what's in bed with your mother? Do you know what they're doing? Doesn't this bother you?" To which the little boy responded, "Na-a-a-a-a-a-a."

[Chester]

One day a young boy named Max walked into a pharmacy. He walked around for a while until he found what he was looking for. He grabbed a box of ribbed condoms, walked up to the checkout lane, and slapped them on the counter. The sales clerk, looking suspiciously at the young boy, said, "Well son, here you go, that'll be $6.00. The boy pulled out $6.00, handed it to the man, and the salesclerk asked him, "Now, boy, do you know what the ribs are for?"

Max answered, "No sir I don't, but they sure make the hair on my goats back stand up!" :D